Overcoming the Need for Revenge

amother

Babyblue

Sun, Oct 07 2018, 10:27 am

DC, age 12, has always had this desperate need for revenge. In school she's fine, and has never had a problem with friends, but at home... it's a disaster. If someone hurts her by mistake she'll make sure to get after them until she's hurt them back. If someone's taken something of hers, she won't just be happy to have it back, she'll need to hurt them too. She always makes sure to come even until the last drop. Every. Single. Time.

How can I help her overcome this urge to come even and help her learn to be the bigger one at times?

dankbar

Sun, Oct 07 2018, 11:23 am

Is she in middle of boys & has to show her stronger bros that's she's strong too even if shes a girl? kids that let themselves be bullied & don't take a stance to counter the bullying...will be taken advantage at & will be bullied. Maybe you can teach her constructive ways to express her assertion

amother

Babyblue

Mon, Oct 08 2018, 4:30 am

dankbar wrote:

She is a real middle child, considering we have only three, but they're all the same gender.
Nobody is actually bullying her, she tends to bully everyone else. I've tried to teach her effective communication many times, but when it comes to revenge, it's as if I've never spoken. She has such a strong desire to come even; there's no stopping her.

dankbar

Mon, Oct 08 2018, 7:53 am

She might feel like squashed in the middle. The peanut butter in the sandwich. Doesn't always mean that the middle child is ignored or not noticed, but sometimes they "feel" that way. Oldest gets priveleges....attention wherever they go....you rely on them more....baby takes up your time....every little cute thing they say....they get babied & spoiled sometimes....everyone has to b mevater when baby tantrums....I am not saying that all these things apply by you, I am just saying why a middle child sometimes feels "Where am I, in middle of this?"

amother

Salmon

Mon, Oct 08 2018, 8:17 am

I have one like this too, OP. She's 10. It just gets worse all the time. I wish I had an answer. I try to talk her through her feelings and make her see how revenge is wrong and isn't really going to make her feel better, etc. but she doesn't let up. It's very hard. We had one good week because I promised her if she went a whole week with zero hurting her brothers and sisters I would buy her a book she wanted very badly. She would sit on her hands at times with steam coming out her ears, but she made it. But I don't feel like I want to bribe her on a weekly basis. Maybe I should.

amother

Babyblue

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 1:38 am

Thanks. As an example, she got woken up last night by her older sister who got home very late so she refused to be quiet this morning saying 'She woke me up last night so I can wake her up now'. For the record, older DD had a school function last night and is starting late today so was still asleep.

I keep explaining that two wrongs don't make a right but the message just doesn't get across.

oneofakind

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 12:23 pm

I think she needs validation, "You are so upset she woke you up. You were all warm and comfy and deep in sleep and she came into the room and made noise etc..and then you had to fall asleep again. Now in the morning, you're so tired and it's all because she woke you up. You make sense." a little exaggeration doesn't hurt.
Now she says ,"Yeah, so now I can wake her up so she'll know what it feels like."
You say, "So you want her to feel it now, how yucky it was to wake up in the middle of the night etc..."
Spend less time lecturing about the evils of revenge and more time validating her feelings. It does not mean you give her permission to retaliate but the more understood she feels, the less need to act it out.

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 12:44 pm

amother wrote:

I get it.

Your DD2 has a sense of justice -- perhaps perverted, but nonetheless a sense of justice.

What sanctions are being meted out against DD1 who woke her last night? And if none, why is it fair that DD1 can wake DD2 without punishment when she gets home late, but DD2 can't wake DD1 when she (DD2) gets up earlier.

Perhaps if you sympathized with DD2 (as someone else suggested), and also made it clear that her sisters' transgressions are being addressed by you, it would help.

amother

Aubergine

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 7:12 pm

amother wrote:

Please talk to a professional psychologist. Even if there is a waiting time, please reserve. Go yourself and talk. I dont want to be negative. But having a husband that takes revenge and many times will not be satisfied until he revenges so strongly and obsessively, so wicked and out of proportion, I can say that you need the best advice on this..my life is in shambles time and time again from this and I suffer. And Im always embarassed because many people have seen/ heard his revenges. If the revenge or disproportional silent treatment is towards me, now (after a separation and some improvements in other sholom bais issues) I text him like "please let me know when I'm accepted back into your life" . Then he srarts opening up his whatever dispointment is and the revenge or severe obcessive rude treatment improves much faster. Its a super sickness for my husband. My husband came with a lot of bagage. Your child is nowhere near this but do it right. Get advice from experts. Go hear from a parenting specialist.

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 3:28 am

We're super close and she gets a ton of validation. It's evidently not enough.
I totally understand her frustration, and told her so, but for the record, older DD didn't intentionally wake her. She got home late and turned on the tiny light of her alarm clock so she could set it for the morning and that woke DD. Why should she be punished? Obviously I spoke to older DD in the morning and told her to set her alarm outside of the room in the future, and that's what she did last night.

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 3:31 am

amother wrote:

I appreciate your concern. Thank you.
I'm sorry your husband is so difficult. You don't deserve this. I hope he is able to overcome his difficulties and be the kind of husband that is deserving of a wife like you. Hugs!

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 3:33 am

mha3484 wrote:

I would look into using the method from the explosive child book. I think it can really help a kid like this. https://www.livesinthebalance.org/about-cps

Thank you for recommending this approach. You were probably one of the catalysts for our starting on this program a while back. We've made a lot of progress using his approach but revenge is one area where we haven't been successful. Any ideas how to go about this more successfully?

amother

Sapphire

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 11:07 am

amother wrote:

You're making excuses for one child -- she came home late; she didn't mean it; it was just a tiny light -- while attributing malice to the other -- it was revenge -- for what is essentially the same act of waking the other.

amother

Green

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 11:14 am

amother wrote:

One was intentional and the other wasn't. Sounds like mild inconsideration on the part of the older sister, followed by deliberate nastiness on the part of the younger one. Intention matters.

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 4:29 pm

I don't have advise, but I have similar with a 5 year old on perhaps a 'smaller' scale.
This child definitely has to get 'even' with others that bother him which leads to many fights at home between him and siblings. However, on the other hand, I feel like he is definitely not at risk of becoming a victim to a bully this way which I look at as a good thing!
What's the best way to teach a kid to 'stick up' for themselves when others bother them but on the other hand without it being about 'getting even'. In an ideal world, I would think that if he would say STOP or DONT DO THAT EVER AGAIN in a strong tone of voice that would work for him in terms of empowering him and ensuring he does not become a victim but I do know (and see with his siblings) that it does not work unfortunately since the one who started up doesn't necessarily listen to such Sad

.

Any tips and advise would be appreciated for this. I don't intend to hijack OP's thread, but think they are similar situations.

thank you!