Tossing the Pacifier(s)

amother

Slateblue

Sat, Oct 06 2018, 3:11 pm

I have K'H 4(!!) kids with pacifiers. The oldest is 8.5, she needs it to fall asleep, and also throughout the day, when she's in a zone-out mood, tired or sad. The rest are the same. My oldest 2 kids already have some grown-up teeth. I don't know how to get them to give up the paci, they are truly addicted, they can not fall asleep without them, and when they are in a "paci" kind of mood, it's torture for them if we withhold it. I calculated that I spend 25 days out of every calendar year just looking for lost pacifiers.
It needs to end, and I need some tips. I don't think just taking away the pacifiers is the right way to do things, seems cruel. A sticker chart with the promise of a worthwhile reward might help, but it's not enough. Should I focus on one kid at a time, or do all of them at once (except the baby)? Please help!

amother

Maroon

Sat, Oct 06 2018, 5:03 pm

I know nothing about this in the sense that my kids gave up the paci much younger, but logically you need a multifaceted approach. This is no particular order.

1. You need to teach your children other methods to self soothe. Reading, a game like Rubik's cube, or a fidget spinner might help. Or concentrate on teaching them all the tefilos of krias shema al.hamita really well. Or the children may have something else more appropriate that they use sometimes (bouncing a ball?) that you can encourage.

2. I am wondering as write if your older children are neurotypically developing or not, that at 8.5 they (a) aren't embarrassed by the paci, and (b) still require the oral stimulation. If the oral stimulation is important then there are chewy toys that can be worn around the neck that are sold to children with disabilities to chew on to stop them chewing on their clothes. Another option may be to use gum (not at bedtime of course).

3. A reward chart is likely to help especially if you set it up so that others rewards gradually for small steps. For example each one hour period that a child is home not using the paci gets a sticker. Some of those wil be very easy to earn. Going to sleep without the paci might get 5 stickers because this much harder. But I don't think it will help.so much without also teaching other methods to self soothe.

4. Some may suggest a competition between the children but I think this can spark rivalry /jealousy and so on, so I'd rather see a "family together" competition when the whole family is rewarded (eg trip to the zoo or similar) when no one is using the paci any more.)

5. The children are old enough that you can say to.them " I love you and because of this I want to help you give up the paci because it is not good for you to.be having this any more. What do you think would help you to replace the paci with something more appropriate for your age?"

6. A simple start could be that for anyone over 3, you say "from now on it is going to be your responsibility to find your paci. If you lose it I am not replacing it.". Then follow through, calmly but firmly. "sorry sweetie, it your job now to find it. I can't help you any more because it's not good for you to keep using it, and it is not good for me to keep looking for it.". And certainly do not buy any more.

7. Obvious try to avoid things like calling them babies when they do give in and do it.

Good luck. This your type of plan is very easy to come up with and type out (especially for someone else's children!) but to implement can be very challenging because the children have not yet learned alternative coping skills, or to tolerate a "No" from you in relation to this matter. Expect lots of tantrums but it will be worth it in the end.

mama2

Sat, Oct 06 2018, 7:58 pm

Getting rid of the paci is sooo difficult so I really feel your pain. I just did it with my 4 year old and it was heart wrenching watching him try to fall asleep for hours and being so exhausted but it’s really a week or 2 max of difficulty and then it’s over! You’d be surprised at how quickly they forget about it. The thing is that it helps tremendously if ur child wants to do it or not. I’d suggest talking about it and setting a date for when the throw out will happen. Then make the day a happy occasion. I took my son to party expert and we bought helium balloons together and attached the paci to the balloon and he let go and threw it up. We then invited our neighbors over for donuts and made it a big deal. Of course the nights were difficult but I stuck it out and praised him for how big he is and we’re now about 7 weeks later and he’s totally and completely fine. You have to be ready to give up a significant amount of time and energy tho. Just remember you’re doing your children a favor cuz once that paci is gone they learn other ways to self soothe and as another poster mentioned u may have to help them find those ways but they really mature and feel better about themselves.
Good luck!

amother

Seashell

Sat, Oct 06 2018, 9:06 pm

I’ve never experienced this firsthand as I don’t allow my kids to start with pacis but I’ve heard people who have and heard that it’s more traumatic for the parents then the child to give it up. The parents need to be ready for it for it to be successful. Once you set up a system you need to stick to it or the kids won’t do well adjusting. When the kids see the parents are firm and committed it gives the kids strength to follow through. Although they will put up a fight it is the subconscious that will allow them to weather it. So it may be a hard week but the main thing is you have to stick to your plan whatever it is and don’t give in otherwise your kids will see that this is too hard for you and they will have trouble giving it up.

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Oct 07 2018, 5:32 am

Wow, thank you for your replies and great suggestions. The problem is, as parents, we are pretty weak. We look for what's quick and easy. Really, it's just me, my husband is more structured naturally, but he doesn't really have a say in things like this. I'm currently trying to stop my baby (toddler, actually

) from nursing all night and get him to sleep in his crib and not my bed, last night I lasted 7 minutes before I caved and took him into my bed to nurse.
So not sure how I'll have the stamina to wean 4 kids of pacis at once. I think I"ll start with the oldest 2, who are somewhat motivated to stop. The oldest is quite embarrassed about it, but she's very sensory, ADHD, and it's just really hard for her. Maybe I should do one at a time so bedtime is less horrific?

amother

Maroon

Sun, Oct 07 2018, 6:18 am

amother wrote:

I believe quite strongly that the kids are there to teach us, not the other way around.

Take this opportunity to learn to be a stronger parent and a stronger person. This is relatively easy in comparison to what could be thrown at you when the children are older .

FranticFrummie

Sun, Oct 07 2018, 7:34 am

Does anyone watch Supernanny? Nanny Jo has a great method. She had a book that she reads as a night time story, about a "Paci Fairy". She gets the kids all excited about what the fairy will bring them if they get rid of the paci (or bottle, whatever.)

She has the kids race around the house, finding as many pacis as they can. The more the pacis, the bigger the prize (or so the story goes.) Then she puts them all in a pretty gift bag, and hangs them on the doorknob outside.

Bed time is pretty rough, but she keeps telling them about the fairy, and how fun it will be in the morning. In the meantime, the bag is emptied in trash (and taken far away!), and toys are put in the bag. Really nice toys, not dollar store toys.

In the morning the kids are super proud of themselves, and thrilled with the toys. The next night they will cry for the pacis, but they are then reminded of the new toys. Some of the toys will be snuggly, so there are some comfort objects as replacements.

It works amazingly well, you just have to build up the excitement, and then have a big reward. You can tell the older child about the story you're going to tell the younger ones, and let her help you pick out toys. Then let her pick out her own special prize. If she's involved in the project, she'll be able to motivate the younger ones, and be more committed to sticking with it.

imasinger

Sun, Oct 07 2018, 7:44 am

If you have an opportunity to cave, you probably will, especially since you have little sleep, with a nursing infant in the house.

You might want to try a multi prong approach.

Have a family meeting. Explain why pacis are bad for kids. Tell them that you love them so much, you don't want those bad things to happen to them. Take them shopping to buy a replacement comfort of their choice. A case of gum. A sippy cup with a soft top that can be replaced when chewed, or a sensory necklace or other chew item. A new stuffed animal for nighttime comfort.

Then, tell them they get their new prize after The Great Paci Hunt. Go through the house and collect every single one. Cheer every time someone adds another to the collection. When they're gathered, arrange with a friend to deliver the collection. The friend can babysit the pacis (until they forget about them), maybe that will be softer than throwing them all away. Then take them all out for a celebratory treat.

Have DH commit to being there for bedtime for a few nights until the tears end. Lock yourself into a bedroom with the baby, or go over to a neighbor's till he texts you that they are asleep, and let him handle it.

Most of the time, it's 2 or 3 nights of misery, max.

And then, a huge relief for all.

ETA: I cross posted with FF. Wow, I think like a super nanny! Smile

amother

Saddlebrown

Sun, Oct 07 2018, 10:55 am

amother wrote:

8.5 is way to old for paci. Does she get OT?

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Oct 08 2018, 4:59 pm

Thanks for all the tips and replies. She just started OT, less for sensory, more for handwriting and organizational skills. I actually didn't even mention the pacifier to the OT yet, I think I will and ask her if it's wise to be working on it at this point, while she's working on other things. But she does want to get rid of it, she keeps asking when we are going to start working on it. She wants the prize. I always say it's not a good night. No night is a good night for something that hard. Wow, if I read that on an anonymous Imamother post, I'd think, wow, there are some pretty lousy parents out there....

pesek zman

Mon, Oct 08 2018, 5:12 pm

amother wrote:

I don't understand. If she is saying she wants to get rid of it, why are you saying it's not a good night. If she's on board, why aren't you?

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Oct 08 2018, 5:18 pm

pesek zman wrote:

I don't understand. If she is saying she wants to get rid of it, why are you saying it's not a good night. If she's on board, why aren't you?

Because it will take her a very, very long time to go to sleep, and it will just wind up being several hours of me laying down with her, her crying, coming in and out of her room. And it's not like it will be one night and that's it. It will take many nights of this. A couple of years ago, we tried to get rid of it, I told her after 3 days she'll already find she needs it less, she was fully on-board. Well, she cried, tossed, turned, we went for a week and a half of this chaos, and countless mel-o-chews to get her to sleep, and you know what? After a week and a half, she went back to her paci, the need never left her. It never even got a little better. This was a couple of years ago, and it could be she's stronger now.

pesek zman

Mon, Oct 08 2018, 5:31 pm

amother wrote:

I think children look to their parents for strength. If you are strong she will try to be too. Of course she'll cry for several nights. All sleep training (and essentially this is what this is) takes sustained patience) She'll always cry and go expect otherwise isn't fair or realistic. She's not weak but this is all she's ever known. Be kind to her and remind yourself that she needs YOU to be strong for her