How to help my FFB kids connect with Hashem

amother

Mistyrose

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 3:44 pm

I'm an idealistic BT, former Neve girl. Now that my kids are growing up (11th grade girl, 9th grade girl, 8th grade boy, and several younger ones kah), I see that they aren't into davening and growing in the same way I was (am). From you FFBs, who can guide me how to help them connect in a way that's real? I know your probably going to say to let them figure things out on their own. But is there anything else you can think of that was helpful or inspiring to you? What helped you to realize that Yiddishkeit is really about connecting, not about just following rules?

bigsis144

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 3:51 pm

Your kids sound pretty old already! A high schooler is really developing into their own person and you won’t be able to shape their personality and values like you would a younger child.

What have you done until now?

(^^ Not in an accusatory way, but how have you set the tone/example so far?)

(I have no advice because my kids are still young-ish, but I even freak out sometimes that “DS is already nine! Where have I been until now?! I could have planted age-appropriate seeds for X behavior/attitude ages ago but I was just busy/on autopilot...”)

mommish613

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 4:05 pm

OP,

I try to bring Hashem into everyday mundane things. For example- when my teen DD is up and dressed and will tell her she is so lucky that Hashem has made her so beautiful.
When another child does something special I will tell that child that I am so lucky that Hashem gave me such an amazing child that does xyz. When I am worried about a child, I will tell them that I am davening for them and asking Hashem to help them in the best possible way for them. I also constantly tell them that Hashem has a plan for each one of us, including myself, and it’s our job to make the best of each and every situation.

I am, by nature, a very spiritual person. I don’t enforce davening- I myself have a hard time with davening sometimes too. It’s somethjng that comes within and you cannot enforce. You just have to live by example and do your best to model the best person you can be so that your children have the best possible role model.

I also find that children immersed in technology don’t do as well with the spiritual connection- there is only so much that their minds and hearts and tolerate....

Ruchel

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 7:42 am

There was always a more litai and a more chassidi side, even before both names existed Smile

I am very into technology and yet very spiritual. That said FFB kids have the blessing (but also the hardship) that they had everything brought to them on a silvered plate, if you will. They didn't have to search (as much). As a FTB I find myself in the middle and I see both sides.

amother

Taupe

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 7:48 am

sometimes I think FFB kids should be treated like kiruv not yet frum kids.
make yiddishkeit fun, participate in youth groups, make your home and shabbos and Y"T very kid centered, good camps, fun jewish activities, good jewish books, talk about hashkafa, engaging, put in lots of effort, always open to questions and explanations, varmkeit, a very loving and accepting place, each mitzvos is so special and so appreciated when done and focus on strengthening a relationship with Hashem.

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 8:15 am

amother wrote:

Yes, I agree. But, I think this is the way the schools should educate our children bec all children need this, not just kiruv kids. So many ffb kids are not into davening...bec they are missing the connection,with hashem"" part.

Op, I agree with the poster who said to talk about hashem in ur life....and ur kids will hear it and hopefully the younger ones will learn to develop a connection with Him. My personal experience as an ffb was that although I davened everyday, it didn't mean much to me. I was missing the talking to hashem in English"" part such that now I will say in front of my kids, thank u hashem for the delicious food we have or pls help me manage everything....
My kids learn all about davening...in school but not enough Tim is spent on the connection to hashem so some kids feel they are just saying words that they don't understand and it has no meaning for them.

thunderstorm

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 8:27 am

OP, my mother was is also a Neve alum and BT. When I was growing up, my mother mentioned HaShem a lot but that's about all. When I went to school, the love for Yiddishkeit was instilled in us since nursery. This really doesn't exist anymore. It's very sad.
I never had interest in davening on Shabbos until I was around 14. But that wanting to daven came naturally to me as I matured. My mother never mentioned or asked me to daven.
My parents were very involved in kiruv and we always had Shabbos and Yom Tov guests. For us Shabbos and Yom Yov were always pleasant and looked forward to.
Thank HaShem daily for the little things in life , in front of your children. Otherwise, you need to Daven for syata dishmaya. It is much harder to raise children in Yiddishkeit in this generation than it was for our parents.

amother

Mistyrose

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 8:34 am

I think I'm pretty good at talking about Hashem, about talking about connecting and mitzvos. I think they've had a good role model in that regard. And I encourage them to talk to HAshem in their own words. And their school is good at making things fun and appealing. So I guess I'll just wait for them to mature a bit. The seeds have hopefully been planted, now I just have to be patient. Thank you for the advice!

thunderstorm

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 8:37 am

amother wrote:

I think I'm pretty good at talking about Hashem, about talking about connecting and mitzvos. I think they've had a good role model in that regard. And their school is good at making things fun and appealing. So I guess I'll just wait for them to mature a bit. The seeds have hopefully been planted, now I just have to be patient. Thank you for your advice!

Just keep in mind that they will never be as eager about it as you. For you it was something new to discover at an older age. For them, they were born into it and don't appreciate it as much because it was never missing from their lives.

amother

Peach

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 8:52 am

I think that just the fact that you are asking this is a good sign. Vs parents who say "that's the school's job, or why I am paying such high tuition?"

No advice really except don't get too fixated on the davening. A person can be a good Jewish and feel very connected to H' and express that in ways other than davening. I'm probably biased because I'm not much of a davener myself but I talk to H' in my own words throughout the day.

PinkFridge

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 11:04 am

amother wrote:

When I was a teenager, I had to deal with a seriously ill parent, which you can be sure made me less superficial than the average bear. B"H, my kids were pretty impressive teenagers, but I tried to remember to be grateful that they could be normal superficial kids.
If your kids are within the realm of normal, polite, producing in school, ashrecha. Keep doing what you're doing. Endorse them for being the wonderful people they are. Let them know how much you appreciate their fine characteristics. Be subtle when it comes to praising them for ruchniyus. Daven. "Remind" Hashem that you're doing what you're supposed to and ask that this hishtadlus bear fruit.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 11:21 am

gande wrote:

Encourage them to thank Hashem for everything, talk to hashem in thier own words, and realize that everything comes from the one above. This will help them establish a personal connection and live with true emuna.

YES! Many kids find davening from a siddur to be dry and meaningless, not to mention boring. Introduce them to Breslov style davening, and it might ignite a spark.

There's a slim, teen friendly booklet called "6 Days to the Top" by Rabbi Lazar Brody. It was written exactly with this age group in mind, and it's a fun read. Not too preachy or heavy, but with a beautiful message.

Another good thing is some hands on connection, like getting involved with chessed projects. Have the kids bake a cake for Bikur Сholim to deliver. They can visit people in nursing homes. Help train guide dogs. Volunteer with Friendship Circle. Join clubs that do community service. They need to do something that shows how to put their values into physical action.

amother

Plum

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 12:00 pm

gande wrote:

This.
I'm a BT and the first words out of my mouth every morning after I've said "Modei ani" is a long list of things that I'm thankful for from the previous day. Everything from the most obvious (good health), to what some people might see as mundane (thanking Hashem for having given me a parking spot near my house). I don't ask for anything, I just just say "Thank you Hashem for ...."
I'm posting amother because I've said this to my friends.
OP, I'm a former Neve girl too!

mommish613

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 12:28 pm

Ruchel wrote:

There was always a more litai and a more chassidi side, even before both names existed Smile

Ruchel,

I’m also into technology Wink

I mean specifically with teenagers- they often don’t have time management skills with technology usage and sometimes get so absorbed in their other worlds it’s hard to get through to them. That’s one of the reason why kids need much more today enhance their spirituality, there are so many other pulls from so many other directions....