Fed up with my 8 year old

amother

Pearl

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 11:03 am

Part of the problem is that you are feeling bad for her challenges, so stop feeling bad for her. Keep talking to yourself that she can act OK if she wants to & tell her you won't tolerate chutzpah....when she's ready to talk nicely, you are ready to listen. When you put her to sleep, even if you let her do st in her room, there's a time there's lights out which you tell before. When time comes don't argue just close the lights & walk out & don't look back. After that if she fights you tell her I put you to sleep already, by me you are sleeping already from now on its not my responsibility. Ignore any interaction she's trying to have after that. This will end the power struggle

FranticFrummie

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 11:07 am

amother wrote:

Thank you for taking the time to inspire me. You're right, self care is very important and I'm working on it. I think what's the most draining is the amount of money we spend on her, driving her around town, really just trying so hard to help her be successful and the response is so negative.

You sound like a very loving mother, and you want to do all the right things.

The problem is when you expect a cheshbon. Life is not fair, and you are never going to get an equal return (until maybe you have grandkids, lol). The word "love" in Hebrew is ahava, which means "to give". There's no mention of anyone expressing any kind of gratitude.

Gratitude is part of chinuch, and it falls on the parents to teach it and model it every single day. It's an ongoing lesson, and takes a long time to sink in. Even married adults can be ungrateful and entitled, so not everyone outgrows it! It absolutely has to be taught, just like all other middot.

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 11:10 am

amother wrote:

Yes. And she may even bicker about something, anything, and may try to make it seem as if it's the end of the world, but you can keep in mind that she's putting up a facade to grab your attention. With that in mind and some distracting activities it'll be somewhat easier for you to start setting up a disciplined and structured healthy atmosphere.

amother

Puce

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 11:47 am

I can relate. Sometimes I feel the same way. I think what helps me the most is to try not to care so much and not let it get to me. She thinks the world revolves around her, but I don't have to feel the same way. I don't need to feel everything is lost if she behaves in such a manner. I have a lot else going on in my life and I will only give this much of the intensity of my feelings in dealing with the relationship with her. When I am able to be calm, (or at least rational enough to realize I need a time - out away from her for a while), I can give consequences nicely and try to teach her how to behave without me flying off the handle in anger because of how "unfair" her behavior is.

seeker

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 12:13 pm

This all sounds very age-appropriate, ADHD or not. A typical 8-year-old doesn't have any concept of what it takes from other people to provide for her. They only know what they are taught, and even then it is often only a skin-deep level of recognition.

I'm also finding that a new level of chutzpadik talk is emerging in my DD similar age. It's extremely irritating and triggers the worst of one's parental instinct. But I'm trying to stay cool and teach her what is and isn't OK. I always pair it with an alternative approach - when you want X, you can say this but not that.

For bedtime, work out a plan together (not at night.) That way even if you need to put your foot down if she doesn't follow the plan, she will know that it's her own plan she's not following. Something like "As the mom, I need to make sure you get a healthy amount of sleep. I see that you don't like it when I (existing bedtime tactic.) Let's think of a way to make sure that you get enough sleep without either of us getting upset." I had to do something similar for homework time. In the end I was the one who proposed a solution, but DD still was part of the process and my solution involved choices and backup (each day she makes a schedule of when will be playtime and when will be HW time. I do not mention HW during playtime except a 3-minute schedule warning. If the HW doesn't happen on any day,then the next day she will have to do it right after school before any playtime.)

FranticFrummie

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 12:22 pm

seeker wrote:

For bedtime, work out a plan together (not at night.) That way even if you need to put your foot down if she doesn't follow the plan, she will know that it's her own plan she's not following. Something like "As the mom, I need to make sure you get a healthy amount of sleep. I see that you don't like it when I (existing bedtime tactic.) Let's think of a way to make sure that you get enough sleep without either of us getting upset." I had to do something similar for homework time. In the end I was the one who proposed a solution, but DD still was part of the process and my solution involved choices and backup (each day she makes a schedule of when will be playtime and when will be HW time. I do not mention HW during playtime except a 3-minute schedule warning. If the HW doesn't happen on any day,then the next day she will have to do it right after school before any playtime.)

Excellent! This works great with my DD. I learned how to do this by reading "Parenting With Love and Logic." If I could have only one parenting book in my collection, this would be the one. (The book for teens is excellent, too. A real sanity saver.)

amother

Honeydew

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 12:40 pm

amother wrote:

Thank you so much to all the kind responses. I've already had her evaluated and she does have ADHD. It could be that I'm going through a rough time being in my third trimester of pregnancy and I'm just falling apart. But my husband is also appalled by the way she acts.
It's very disheartening when you just give and give and give, and stand on your tired feet to give her what she wants and then she is so chutspadik and mean when something/anything doesn't go her way.

But that’s what being a parent is about—giving. I feel so bad reading this because my parents have your attitude of resentment and it is so damaging to a child. My brother went through a rough phase in elementary school where he needed therapy. My parents were so resentful of having to drive him and spend time working with him, and they never let him forget it. It is so damaging to a child to have this attitude, and I guarantee you your daughter is picking up on it. A parent’s job is to give to their child and that, in my opinion, should be part of the cheshbon before deciding to have children/more children. We are not guaranteed malachim. It is our job to work with what our children are and have and teach them. One way of teaching is by example. Maybe try thanking your husband for even the tiniest of things, when your daughter is around. This can help show her the effect of gratitude but this level of resentment which you have is extremely unhealthy for yourself, your daughter, and your family.

amother

Seashell

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 1:13 pm

amother wrote:

I’m not op but I had to respond to you.
You clearly don’t understand anything about having a challenging child. And you don’t have to understand.... but your amazing advice is for parents of regular kids. It’s a whole different world when dealing with a challenging child and you clearly aren’t aware.

amother

Honeydew

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 1:31 pm

amother wrote:

You should really think before you posts things like this to someone who you neither know personally nor know of their circumstances. My advice comes from a place of understanding where the OP is coming from and a place of spending a long time working on myself to have the attitude I have. So next time you attack someone in the manner you have, either don’t, or, if you can’t control yourself and must attack, make sure you are certain that you are 100% aware of the entire circumstance.

seeker

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 1:39 pm

I'm not so sure it's true that a parent needs to give endlessly. I think it is good chinuch to let children know that you're human and that your resources are finite. That also can help the parent not feel as burned out. I think the important thing is that what you do manage is done with love, warmth, and as many smiles as you can muster. And that true needs are met without grudge.

amother

Ivory

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 1:46 pm

Hugs, OP. It is very hard to take. I have a ten year old who really pushes me over the edge daily. I have to remind myself that #1 it is the nature of a child to be selfish and feel the world revolves around them, and #2 I am certain that at her age I didn't appreciate my mother very much either.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 1:54 pm

It's normal to be resentful. It's normal to feel unappreciated.

What is HEALTHY, is to post and say "How can I change this dynamic, and make the parent child relationship work better?"

OP, I think you're off to a good start.

One of my favorite sayings is "I was a perfect parent, and always knew the right thing to do... then I had kids of my own." LOL

amother

Emerald

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 2:01 pm

daughter same age. my dh said I was being too lenient with her. It was very challenging. we made a zero chutzpah policy. She needed to listen right away. Chores needed to be done rather she liked it or not... I'm glad to hear it wasn't just my kid. We made a big deal when she did listen, showed how there was now time to hang out with her since we weren't spending that time on her crabbin or being disciplined.
She's thank G-d so much better now but she doesn't have ADHD and she's a good hearted kid in general. Showing gratitude to the other members of the family is something we try hard to demonstrate.

amother

Orange

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 2:17 pm

amother wrote:

Omg op adhd kids are super hard! And most adhd kids struggle with ODD.
Read up on it it will give you lots of answers plus compassion for your child.

The book “smart but scattered” has helped me understand my child tremendously. Recommended by therapists.

seeker

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 3:10 pm

amother wrote:

I believe "most" is a gross exaggeration. ODD is a serious condition and can't just be thrown around. There is a correlation in that kids with ADHD are far more likely than non-ADHD kids to have another disorder including ODD, but even the highest correlates are not "most." (Among the highest, if I'm not mistaken, are anxiety/depression, dyslexia, and addictions. And even those are, as of last time I checked which may not be up to date, less than 50%)

dancingqueen

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 4:29 pm

amother wrote:

Just a thought, maybe she’s also a little burnt out and exhausted from running all over town to these therapies too? Maybe you could cut back on some activities?

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 8:38 pm

I'm the OP. Thank you for all the feedback. I'm really not looking for her appreciation, I'm looking for some decency in return for everything done for her. Just to illustrate what our day looked like. I got a call from school that she refuses to go to lunch because it's too much noise in the lunch room. My husband decided he was going to pick her up early and have a heart to heart talk with her. They went out for ice cream and bowling (spending about 3 hours together). When it came time to do homework, she was screaming and crying that school takes up her whole life and she's not doing her homework. We told her we'll give her a small treat for every answer she does (like a winky). She pulled through on her homework. By 8:15 me and my husband were discussing putting up a shelf we had bought for her room. Which, as soon as I brought it home, my husband had run out to Home Depot to buy the right screw. But when we realized it's really time for bed, we said we'll put it up tomorrow. She lay on the floor and kicked her feet and screamed and cried that we never do anything for her, we never keep our word (there was never any word given about when it would go up), actually it was a total surprise for her that I had even bought it. The night ended by my locking myself in my room and her howling about how rotten I am that I ruin everything. Im just totally overwhelmed by her.

tachles

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 8:41 pm

seeker wrote:

This all the way.

amother

Pink

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 8:46 pm

I posted that I have an 8 year old that is challenging. My guess is that she is doing that to manipulate you. At least in part. You feel bad for her and she knows that. The two of you are turning over your life for her. Maybe seek outside council bec not sure you should be doing all of that. .