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What does it mean to have difficult children?



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Motherhood




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 15 2018, 9:58 pm
A previous thread got me thinking about this question.... what is considered a difficult child and who gets to decide what difficult means? Do your kids belong under the "difficult" section because a b & c or because I feel that they are more difficult than other children their age? Will you take my word for it that my children are more difficult than average or am I just being a complainer and overdoing it?
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Mon, Oct 15 2018, 10:18 pm
I don’t know if there is a clinical definition. But I have a difficult child and I base this assessment on how extremely off the charts her behavior is compared to siblings and peers. It’s not me just kvetching or having a harder time mothering than others. This isn’t her just having some quirks or some bad days. If you’re living it, you know it.
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Motherhood




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 15 2018, 10:23 pm
So I think my children are more difficult than my neighbors or friends or sisters children, but they barely acknowledge it. Why do I care? bec I feel that I need an "excuse" for myself as to why I only work part time, or why I'm on bc. I know it's nobody's business, but I still compare my kids to others and validate my actions based on that.
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Mon, Oct 15 2018, 10:25 pm
If you got one, you know it.
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Mon, Oct 15 2018, 10:33 pm
Motherhood wrote:
So I think my children are more difficult than my neighbors or friends or sisters children, but they barely acknowledge it. Why do I care? bec I feel that I need an "excuse" for myself as to why I only work part time, or why I'm on bc. I know it's nobody's business, but I still compare my kids to others and validate my actions based on that.



your friends and neighbors and sisters can't excuse you from the "requirement" to go to work full time or have more children.. (1) that is not their place (2) the former isn't a requirement and either the is second (how I hold anyway).

so don't use them to validate your choices for you by validating how hard your children are. You do you.
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Mon, Oct 15 2018, 10:39 pm
I know there's a saying, "Normal is just a setting on a washing machine." But I define normal as a kid for whom the things taught in general parenting seminars actually work.

For example, I remember learning that it takes between 1-3 months of consistency, on average, to instill a habit. But that didn't seem to work with mine. Eventually, he got a diagnosis and I learned that with "difficult" kids, it can take 1-2 years. Which is a lot harder.
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amother
Black


 

Post Mon, Oct 15 2018, 10:40 pm
amother wrote:
If you got one, you know it.



This
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amother
Olive


 

Post Mon, Oct 15 2018, 10:51 pm
When one kid is constantly and consistently making every single situation a hurdle and difficult for everyone around them.
I realized when on of my kids somehow got every single other kid crying whenever she came into the room, started up with everyone in seconds.
When they get a bit older and you fear for their life and everyone in the family as they lack a basic sense of danger and don't realize normal limits.

Where you hesitate about eery decision the family makes to see how it would affect this child, if the situation would work.

We're talking about every situation every single day.

For the record, this child has been in therapy for years and years, definitely has helped, still difficult and we wagon eggshells.
This child has never got a definitive diagnosis.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 15 2018, 11:40 pm
I think of it as when "regular" parenting/teaching techniques don't relate to that child. When I say don't relate, I mean it's not just that they didn't work this time but that they seem to be created for a different species. Of course not every tactic will work for every family, and parenting style is always a factor, but when you have a situation where the parent is doing basically normal effective parenting, and she starts describing an issue to her therapist/teacher/rebbetzin/ mother/mentor/sister/whatever, and they give what would seem to be a perfectly reasonable response, but you are just internally shaking your head and saying "they just don't GET it" - then you might have a difficult child.

But in more practical, observable terms - what Olive amother said.

Also, whether or not you have difficult children, you really need to find a more internal source of validation...
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amother
Brown


 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2018, 8:31 am
amother wrote:
I don’t know if there is a clinical definition. But I have a difficult child and I base this assessment on how extremely off the charts her behavior is compared to siblings and peers. It’s not me just kvetching or having a harder time mothering than others. This isn’t her just having some quirks or some bad days. If you’re living it, you know it.


Exactly this.
I am living it. I have 5 kids. None are alike but none of the other 4 are anywhere remotely near my difficult one.
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elisheva25




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2018, 8:36 am
amother wrote:
Exactly this.
I am living it. I have 5 kids. None are alike but none of the other 4 are anywhere remotely near my difficult one.



This !!!!
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