Do you care about your children loving you?

amother

Ecru

Tue, Oct 16 2018, 5:26 am

Some of my children constantly say, I love you to me. To me, when you say something so often it gets old and loses its power. I love that they love me and I tell them I love them back, but then sometimes I realize that I love them no matter what, but I don't need them to love me, but respect me. I'm not saying they don't. As an aside thing, I wonder if I have the need for them to respect me because it says so in the torah or just that feeling.

The only one that I want to love me is my husband and that's too bad for me because he doesn't Sad

. He does care about me though. Is this normal that I don't care if my children love me or not? I will love them no matter what, but I don't need their love. I guess that's also kind of some sort of unconditional love.

Ruchel

Tue, Oct 16 2018, 6:30 am

I don't worry about it because to me it's normal and natural that children love parents. But I love when they tell me they do and I tell them I do and I also think it's normal that parents love children.

As for respect and even fear we both love and fear Hashem right and he's our parent.

Chayalle

Tue, Oct 16 2018, 6:57 am

I dunno, I just love my children, and "kamayim hapanim lapanim kein lev ha'adam la'adam" - they love me back.

OP, I think your feelings may be rooted in the challenges of your marriage. A woman needs so badly for her husband to love her, I believe it's a fundamental need. I would really suggest you do something about this - get help for your marriage. It's the most worthwhile investment you can make for both yourself and your children.

amother

Ginger

Tue, Oct 16 2018, 7:26 am

I do care. Hearing those words never gets old and never ceases to melt my heart.

And by the way, OP, the love one gets from children vs. DH is so different, there is really no equating the two. From child to parents is typically very natural and unconditional. Not so between a husband and wife.

amother

cornflower

Tue, Oct 16 2018, 7:37 am

Of course I need my kids to love me. What kind of relationship would we have if they wouldn't love me?

However, I don't need them to tell me they love me. I mean, it's nice if they do and it melts my heart, but I certainly don't notice if they don't tell me about their love for me. We have a healthy relationship so I know the love is there.

Tzutzie

Tue, Oct 16 2018, 7:42 am

Of course I do. And the little ways they show it is so precious.

Like this morning, I was waking my kid up for school, I leaned in to kiss he warm cheek, and she put her tiny arm around my neck.
Just warms my heart.
Gives me the energy go deal with her craziness she deals me the sheer tunes it of day. Black Eye

.

I love those kids beyond life.

amother

Ecru

Tue, Oct 16 2018, 8:45 am

OP here. I love that they love me and want them to, but I don't need it. I'll love them whether they love me or not. When a child says, I hate you, do I get insulted? No, because besides I know they're saying it in anger and I also don't need their love.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Oct 16 2018, 9:14 am

amother wrote:

It sounds like your love language is not "words of affection". Do you prefer them to bring you gifts, or to be physically affectionate? Do you feel loved when they do their chores or homework without complaining?

Everyone has a different way of relating in relationships. I think that a lot of women are a "words" type, but not everyone is. There's nothing wrong with that.

amother

Coffee

Tue, Oct 16 2018, 9:24 am

It’s hard for me to imagine ever getting tired of hearing your children—or anyone—saying I love you. Well, maybe my bank and mass transit system. That “ we love our customers” tripe is utterly phony.

Wanting to hear it and enjoying hearing it is different from NEEDING to hear it. Neediness is unhealthy. Feeling that life has no value if your children don’t love you, or even if your dh doesn’t love you, is understandable but unhealthy. But it seems to me that not caring whether your children love you or not is not only unhealthy but extremely strange.

Understand, it’s ok not to be paralyzed and wanting to end it all if they don’t. I don’t think it’s healthy to make anyone the center of your life to the extent that you can’t survive without them. But to not care if your own dc love you or not? What’s the point of having them, then? Just to populate the earth?

urban gypsy

Tue, Oct 16 2018, 9:42 am

amother wrote:

I think I understand what you are saying here. My ex husband was obsessed with the idea that the children (particularly our son) will stop loving him one day, and to this end he spoils them endlessly with stuff and doesn't enforce boundaries and discipline to try and win their love. I feel secure in the absolute knowledge that I love them, and I don't feel I need to curry favor with them to "deserve" their love. I know that they are just kids and their moods go up and down and if it seems they "hate" me today, it's just a passing mood. I do agree with the other poster that some of your ambivalence could be rooted in your relationship with your husband though.

amother

Gold

Tue, Oct 16 2018, 10:08 am

When my kid is angry & says "I don't even like you, your'e a bad mom" I don't take it personally, I know hes trying to test me, & see if I still love him if he misbehaves. I just respond calmly, Nowhere in Torah does it say that you need to love your parents, but it does state that you need to respect your parents, whether you like them or not. So respect is something I expect. You don't need to love me, but you do need to listen...etc. I also tell him, no matter if u love me or not, I will, anyways, love you forever! He usually calms down after that if he sees I'm not feeding into his manipulation, provocation etc....

Tzutzie

Tue, Oct 16 2018, 10:53 am

amother wrote:

When a child says "I hate you" especially when said out of anger, it is an expression of their frustration. Not their feelings.

When a child is cool as a cucumber and just having a conversation and mentions hating you, THEN I'd be concerned.

It's what they express day to day, not in a heated moment.
My kids don't say the words "I love you" often. But like the precious example I gave. Or when my other kid says that I'm cozy. It's the biggest compliment your can give HER, (she IS supper cuddly amd cozy. Lol) so she feels like its the grandest thing she can tell me to express her feelings.

Every child every person expresses it in a different way.

And yes, as a mother, If I felt they didn't love me.it would hurt. A lot.

Tzutzie

Tue, Oct 16 2018, 10:57 am

amother wrote:

Absolutely. But your kid doesn't really hate you. He might hate that you said no. Or what's happening. He also might not yet have the emotional intelligence to recognize that. But he doesn't hate you. He is just expressing anger and testing you to see if you will be able to "handle" anything you put him thru. That you will be strong and he can feel safety in that.

They also need to express their independence. It's complicated. But I absolutely believe every child loves their parents. Unless the parents were so terrible that they didn't deserve it.