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Forum
-> Parenting our children
amother
Hotpink
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Tue, Oct 23 2018, 5:43 am
Anyone else feel this way? When my child behaves or overall is a good kid, I think to myself, it's because of them, they really are a good kid, but when they misbehave or have an overall bad quality, I think, what did I do? Where are they getting it from?
Why can't I take the "blame" or not take either for the good and the bad? Do you feel like this too?
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southernbubby
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Tue, Oct 23 2018, 6:04 am
amother wrote: | Anyone else feel this way? When my child behaves or overall is a good kid, I think to myself, it's because of them, they really are a good kid, but when they misbehave or have an overall bad quality, I think, what did I do? Where are they getting it from?
Why can't I take the "blame" or not take either for the good and the bad? Do you feel like this too? |
I always figured that if children are well behaved then the parents probably did something right. If a kid has lousy midos, and bullies other kids, I also blame the parents. It may not be so black and white because kids have various other influences besides parents but usually there is a trait in the parent that is being imitated by the child.
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amother
Green
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Tue, Oct 23 2018, 7:05 am
I had this discussion with my teenager today. I asked her if Totty and I are such lousy parents, how did our kids turn out so great. She said Hashem.
I know I did something right.
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Ruchel
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Tue, Oct 23 2018, 8:38 am
Both are not black and white
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amother
Navy
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Tue, Oct 23 2018, 8:39 am
Nah. Just the opposite. But I’ll never admit it. In public I “credit” their classmates for the less attractive behavior.
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sushilover
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Tue, Oct 23 2018, 8:52 am
So true!
There is so much that goes on to make a person what she is. Genetics, health, patents, family order, friends, school, and of course siyata d'shmaya. ..
Parents are an important factor of the equation, but they are not the only factor.
Don't take too much credit for the good OR the bad! A good parent is not judged on the "result", but the effort.
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ShishKabob
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Tue, Oct 23 2018, 9:33 am
sushilover wrote: | So true!
There is so much that goes on to make a person what she is. Genetics, health, patents, family order, friends, school, and of course siyata d'shmaya. ..
Parents are an important factor of the equation, but they are not the only factor.
Don't take too much credit for the good OR the bad! A good parent is not judged on the "result", but the effort. |
This! Expressed really swell. Thank you
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Chayalle
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Tue, Oct 23 2018, 10:01 am
southernbubby wrote: | I always figured that if children are well behaved then the parents probably did something right. If a kid has lousy midos, and bullies other kids, I also blame the parents. It may not be so black and white because kids have various other influences besides parents but usually there is a trait in the parent that is being imitated by the child. |
I think good kids are a bracha from Hashem.
I've known nasty people who have sweet kids. And lovely people who have challenging kids.
At the end of the day, kids are pikadon from Hashem. They come here with a tafkid, and it's our job as parents to try to help them fulfill it. They are not Nachas machines.
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amother
Babypink
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Tue, Oct 23 2018, 11:54 am
I was blessed with a wonderful son who has ADHD and is on the spectrum. My husband and I have been through alot with this kid, and we are BH seeing slow and painstaking improvements.
So I don't appreciate when my sister and her husband are publicly praised by my parents for the perfect behavior of their naturally angelic son (same age as my son), while we are gently reminded of our son's continuous wrongdoings... my reply is that if my sister and BIL were given a son like mine, we would see how they would do in the chinuch department.
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amother
Slateblue
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Tue, Oct 23 2018, 12:16 pm
amother wrote: | I was blessed with a wonderful son who has ADHD and is on the spectrum. My husband and I have been through alot with this kid, and we are BH seeing slow and painstaking improvements.
So I don't appreciate when my sister and her husband are publicly praised by my parents for the perfect behavior of their naturally angelic son (same age as my son), while we are gently reminded of our son's continuous wrongdoings... my reply is that if my sister and BIL were given a son like mine, we would see how they would do in the chinuch department. |
Yes, I agree BUT some parents who do have kids with ADHD or "issues" dont parent and "sit back" ....like my sil who says nothing to her son when he pushes my kids or throws things.
I agree that sometimes kids have certain bad behaviors that were put there by hashem in that child and is there despite the efforts of the parents.
Within my family, I see this. Some of my kids are easygoing, more responsible, behave good....and some of my kids are the opposite despite the fact that I am doing the same things, routine and discipline....
However, I really can't stand when some parents dont address their kids issues/bad behaviors at all. For ex. One child was bullying my son in disgusting ways but the bullies parents refused to address their sons bullying. Even if its not their fault, he was acting "bad", they shouldn't have "given up" and should've at least spoken to him about not bullying....
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southernbubby
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Tue, Oct 23 2018, 12:20 pm
Chayalle wrote: | I think good kids are a bracha from Hashem.
I've known nasty people who have sweet kids. And lovely people who have challenging kids.
At the end of the day, kids are pikadon from Hashem. They come here with a tafkid, and it's our job as parents to try to help them fulfill it. They are not Nachas machines. |
True, but if we want nachas, we have a better chance if we do the job of helping them fulfill their tafkid. That may mean accepting them with the limitations that they have. We also have to realize that our behavior could affect them. A mother who screams at her kids may raise a daughter who does that, or she may raise one who hated the screaming so much that she avoids it to a fault and she may even raise one of each. I have seen families where everyone was at war with one another and nobody was surprised when the next generation carried the torch of animosity.
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amother
Linen
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Tue, Oct 23 2018, 6:58 pm
Like others have said, I’ve seen great kids come from really horrible and terrible parents and family situations and really challenging kids from great families. Some siblings are also so different from one another, you wouldn’t even guess they’re from the same parents.
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