They do good, it's them. They do bad, it's on us.

amother

Hotpink

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 5:43 am

Anyone else feel this way? When my child behaves or overall is a good kid, I think to myself, it's because of them, they really are a good kid, but when they misbehave or have an overall bad quality, I think, what did I do? Where are they getting it from?

Why can't I take the "blame" or not take either for the good and the bad? Do you feel like this too?

southernbubby

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 6:04 am

amother wrote:

I always figured that if children are well behaved then the parents probably did something right. If a kid has lousy midos, and bullies other kids, I also blame the parents. It may not be so black and white because kids have various other influences besides parents but usually there is a trait in the parent that is being imitated by the child.

sushilover

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 8:52 am

So true!
There is so much that goes on to make a person what she is. Genetics, health, patents, family order, friends, school, and of course siyata d'shmaya. ..
Parents are an important factor of the equation, but they are not the only factor.

Don't take too much credit for the good OR the bad! A good parent is not judged on the "result", but the effort.

ShishKabob

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 9:33 am

sushilover wrote:

This! Expressed really swell. Thank you

Chayalle

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 10:01 am

southernbubby wrote:

I think good kids are a bracha from Hashem.

I've known nasty people who have sweet kids. And lovely people who have challenging kids.

At the end of the day, kids are pikadon from Hashem. They come here with a tafkid, and it's our job as parents to try to help them fulfill it. They are not Nachas machines.

amother

Babypink

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 11:54 am

I was blessed with a wonderful son who has ADHD and is on the spectrum. My husband and I have been through alot with this kid, and we are BH seeing slow and painstaking improvements.
So I don't appreciate when my sister and her husband are publicly praised by my parents for the perfect behavior of their naturally angelic son (same age as my son), while we are gently reminded of our son's continuous wrongdoings... my reply is that if my sister and BIL were given a son like mine, we would see how they would do in the chinuch department.

amother

Slateblue

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 12:16 pm

amother wrote:

Yes, I agree BUT some parents who do have kids with ADHD or "issues" dont parent and "sit back" ....like my sil who says nothing to her son when he pushes my kids or throws things.

I agree that sometimes kids have certain bad behaviors that were put there by hashem in that child and is there despite the efforts of the parents.

Within my family, I see this. Some of my kids are easygoing, more responsible, behave good....and some of my kids are the opposite despite the fact that I am doing the same things, routine and discipline....

However, I really can't stand when some parents dont address their kids issues/bad behaviors at all. For ex. One child was bullying my son in disgusting ways but the bullies parents refused to address their sons bullying. Even if its not their fault, he was acting "bad", they shouldn't have "given up" and should've at least spoken to him about not bullying....

southernbubby

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 12:20 pm

Chayalle wrote:

True, but if we want nachas, we have a better chance if we do the job of helping them fulfill their tafkid. That may mean accepting them with the limitations that they have. We also have to realize that our behavior could affect them. A mother who screams at her kids may raise a daughter who does that, or she may raise one who hated the screaming so much that she avoids it to a fault and she may even raise one of each. I have seen families where everyone was at war with one another and nobody was surprised when the next generation carried the torch of animosity.

amother

Linen

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 6:58 pm

Like others have said, I’ve seen great kids come from really horrible and terrible parents and family situations and really challenging kids from great families. Some siblings are also so different from one another, you wouldn’t even guess they’re from the same parents.