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Shiva visit
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Tue, Oct 23 2018, 1:41 pm
Having read more- honestly just go, when it's time to leave go with your friend, let the friend say the posuk, say amein and leave.

And don't worry / think about this anymore.

Take the opportunity to concentrate on the feelings of the avel instead of your own fears, it should help those fears dissipate.
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penguin




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 23 2018, 1:41 pm
OP, if you are anxious about speaking in public this does not have to be public. You can go close to the aveil & say the words quietly so only she hears them.

However, as you say she will understand then I think you are fine to go and not say the words.

Which, PSA to everyone, I am 99.99% sure, are not a POSUK, they are a TEFILAH or maybe a BRACHA - wishing the aveil that Hashem will comfort them.
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Cheiny




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 23 2018, 1:43 pm
amother wrote:
I need to go be menachem avel someone. It’s extremely awkward for me. Can I go but text the hamakom yenachem to her phone when I’m ready to leave instead of saying it? Or is that really not ok?


Not ok at all. Cold. And how do you know she’ll be checking her
PHone while sitting shiva? Just practice saying it beforehand and then do it...it’s a mitzvah.
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Cheiny




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 23 2018, 1:44 pm
amother wrote:
To tell you the truth, I felt so stupid sitting there, when people said the Pasuk.
I wish they would not.
Sfardim say Min Hashamaim Tenachumu. It's shorter and in my eyes a lot nicer.
It really helped when people came. Don't stay to long. The point that you care is what makes the difference.


Why is that “a lot nicer?” The “Hamakom” includes other mourners in the bracha as well,,,
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penguin




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 23 2018, 1:51 pm
Quote:
it’s a mitzvah
And you know this because....? Most likely it's a minhag at most, I will try to ask someone when I have a chance, or look it up.
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amother
Beige


 

Post Tue, Oct 23 2018, 3:04 pm
Op, a lot of people sit in back amd dont say a word, and since some find it akward to be the lone one to stand up, they wait for someone else to say it, then stand up and say it with them/after them...
as someone who was on both sides( sitting shiva amd being menachem avel) I didnt think it was akward to be interrupted or if someone stands up...iv had people who havent said a word but for the pasuk...and it was ok
Wait for someone to stand up to say the pasuk, and stand next to them so you can say it. You can even murmur it under your breath, and if you mispronounce or whatnot, it wont be noticed. But its verrrrrry appreciated
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amother
Teal


 

Post Tue, Oct 23 2018, 3:30 pm
Wow! I didn’t dream I’d receive so many responses! Thank you to all those who took the time to do so!
Since there is more than one person sitting, going over and saying it quietly isn’t an option - there are too many people for me to feel comfortable there. I will definitely go since it appears it is a mitzva to do so even if I don’t say the pasuk. I think she would be “proud” of me for doing the right thing and coming - she definitely doesn’t expect me to, will understand completely if I don’t etc - so not saying the pasuk is not the worst thing.
And no, I don’t think the texting is “cold” - many of you said inappropriate which I can hear. But it’s not like I’m texting randomly - I would go in and use it instead of speqking. That’s still personal not cold in my opinion
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ahuva06




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 23 2018, 3:33 pm
Cheiny wrote:
Not ok at all. Cold. And how do you know she’ll be checking her
PHone while sitting shiva? Just practice saying it beforehand and then do it...it’s a mitzvah.


Did you even read the thread?? Why are you saying "just do it" when op clearly expressed extreme discomfort in saying the bracha?
I agree with all the people who took the time to read through the thread and understand op's discomfort, and advised op to go pay the shiva call and leave without saying anything. That's obviously better than not going at all. Op's question was whether or not to send a text, not how and when to say the bracha.

Eta I see I cross-posted with op. Glad you got some responses that you found helpful!
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 23 2018, 5:50 pm
amother wrote:
I am involved with diff org.....thats why I am saying that I get to know other people going thru same, by events....or get to know ones in same hospital as my child....we become like one family.....so when there is a loss.....its difficult for all of us going thru.....its like we lost a family member.....I am shattered when I hear such news...the images of these little kids don't go out of my mind.....but I can't bring myself to go to levaya or shiva. Being that we end up being close....I know it's wrong....because they need the support from people who they got support from till then.....& understand everything they've been thru until that point


I don't think you have to defend yourself. Right now you're incredibly strong to be holding it all together yet also fragile. Preserve your strength.
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penguin




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 23 2018, 9:35 pm
I checked with DH. You are definitely yotzais the mitzvah of nichum aveilim just by being there. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to.
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salt




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 23 2018, 11:35 pm
I know the pasuck is a bit of a tongue twister, but I think it's actually helpful. For people who find it hard to say something off the top of their head to the mourner, especially if you're not that close with them, or not a good conversationalist, our wonderful Jewish Minhag has given us something fixed to say.
Write it down for yourself on a piece of paper and read it out.
The mourner will really appreciate you coming and making the effort.

Having said that, no need to say that pasuck at all, but if you are nervous about going as it is, and don't really want to say anything, then that's your best bet.

It's a big mitzvah to go.
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amother
Teal


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 4:08 am
penguin wrote:
I checked with DH. You are definitely yotzais the mitzvah of nichum aveilim just by being there. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to.


Wow! Thank you!!! That’s such a relief to hear! Now I know I’m doing the right thing! You really helped me tremendously!!! I’m going to go tonight
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 4:33 am
kol ha kavod op
and thank you so much for posting. have the same issue but never thought to post and this discussion helped so much. May you and everyone see much Brochos.

tizki l mitzvos
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 5:00 am
Cheiny wrote:
Not ok at all. Cold. And how do you know she’ll be checking her
PHone while sitting shiva? Just practice saying it beforehand and then do it...it’s a mitzvah.


When I lost my fav cousin the best comfort I got was through text exchange. It was on my terms, I could cry if I wanted (I don't cry in public period), and I could re-read. Cold? I wasn't up to visits AT ALL.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 5:58 am
Ruchel, I sat shiva twice. The first time was before cell phones. Yeah, after Alexander Graham Bell but we didn't get too many calls, AFAI remember.
The second time, well into this century - and I see this is every shiva home I visit - at least one of the aveilim was on the phone a good part of the time. (We took turns.) If my phone was nearby and no one was there for me, maybe I'd look at my phone. And I actually asked that word get out with my cell phone number and that I might not have good coverage. I so much appreciated the texts I got. On my time, on my terms.

But if someone's local, showing up is worth making the effort. The mere showing up is meaningful to the aveil, and based on what OP's saying, I think she's going to be yotzei the mitzvah fully.
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 9:50 am
imokay wrote:
Not sure why you don't want to say the pasuk but it's more awkward to go and not say the pasuk than to go and say the pasuk.

Sometimes I don't say it and don't feel awkward at all.

Unrelated to whether one says it or not, it's not a pasuk.
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