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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
DD (13) Miserable at School Suddenly...What to do?



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groisamomma




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 12:32 pm
DD is a top student and b"h beloved by her principals, teachers, and peers. Until this year she occasionally found school to be restrictive, as every school is. Not with regards to Yiddishkeit, just school rules in general. She's the kind of kid that listens to school rules and goes the extra mile to be frum. She's happy to wear tznius clothing and not watch or read non-Jewish books (we do have them in the house sometimes, but I've noticed and commented and she acknowledged that she'd rather not.). In the past, she'd complain that there isn't enough recess time, she felt some teachers were unrealistically demanding at times, and the usual grumbling of a preteen girl who would rather stay home and schmooze than spend her days at school. I always hear her out and validate, but she knows when push comes to shove she has to deal with it, and for the most part she has.

Someone recently commented to me that she doesn't look happy at school. I'd noticed that the grumbling got more frequent this year and she flat-out talks about her teachers disrespectfully. She complains they don't teach well (she's smart) and hates studying all of a sudden. I finally asked her about it and she started ranting about hating school with a passion this year, saying it's a crazy school and she can't wait to get out. She hates every waking moment of it. I'm not sure if it's because she misses camp terribly and can't settle down or if I should take her seriously. She asks to stay home all the time (she doesn't because she's too conscientious to miss the work), but I can tell she really isn't happy. She also yelled that she's nervous about getting into a high school and has a pit in her stomach ALL day, every day. A person can't live with that kind of anxiety, it's literally crippling her and making her miserable! And in Lakewood we won't find out whether she's accepted until Shavuos! How will she survive the year like this? My husband calls her his little steam engine, that's how riled up and anxious she is about high school. She has 4 choices and doesn't care which one she gets into, but she's paranoid she won't get in anywhere and be like the girls without schools all summer. She's smart but she claims it's not enough. We have no pull anywhere so I can't promise her anything.

How do I make her happy about school again? I'm so nervous she'll hate the rest of the year and enter high school on a negative note!
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amother
Beige


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 1:30 pm
I'm afraid that this seems to be a diagnosable condition.

It's called "teenager."

My 13-yo DS sounds the same way.

To paraphrase a book on chinuch, take two aspirin and call me after the chuppah.
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 1:32 pm
I do think by the last year of elementary school some kids are really just ready to be done and move on to something new. Its burn out. Combine it with the stress of lakewood school acceptance its enough to make most kids go nutty.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 1:40 pm
amother wrote:
I'm afraid that this seems to be a diagnosable condition.

It's called "teenager."

My 13-yo DS sounds the same way.

To paraphrase a book on chinuch, take two aspirin and call me after the chuppah.

Love this!

I do believe that it's the fact that she is an official teenager. However , validate her feelings about her misery. If I were you I'd let her stay home from school on occasion if she wants to.
Some years, teachers are a better shidduch with the students than others. It's very hard for students when the teacher don't "click" with them. I've been there myself, my children have been there too. It can be very irksome to go to school every day with nothing to look forward to and to listen to someone you really don't like or appreciate.

In regard to the highschool thing, also validate her concerns. I remember feeling antsy too. Everyone is in the same boat. Try to encourage her to have at least some fun with friends after school or during extra curricular activities.
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amother
Taupe


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 2:13 pm
I agree that she's probably hitting the rough years of adolescence, where she will be moody and irritable for reasons you can't quite discern. I also think that she might be having some real anxiety about he admission. If it doesn't let up, you might consider having her learn some anxiety management techniques. Either with you or with a therapist.
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flmommy




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 2:45 pm
Are you sure everything is OK socially? Girls can be very mean at this age. I would check with her teachers and make sure everything is OK in this department as your daughter may not share what is REALLY going on.
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groisamomma




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 4:28 pm
Thanks for the responses, especially the teenager one. It made me laugh. This particular DD has had anxiety in the past and b"h went to therapy and learned self-calming techniques, which I know she uses. She hasn't had a setback in years, though, and when I asked her recently if she wants to speak to a therapist her response was, "Why should I talk to a stranger? If I have anything to say I'll say it to you thank you very much." Geez, like I'd bitten her head off.

The girls are nice to her, mostly because she holds her own and interacts well with other kids. I suspect school is getting on her nerves because she's obsessed with camp. She lives, and breathes camp, writes letters, everything is camp-related. She's on the phone until I unplug it with camp friends. Is that why she's unhappy in school???

I'm really nervous about high school, too, but is there anything to do? Why do the other kids in her class seem so oblivious to it? She says they're all so confident and she's not.

I'm not sure I can take another 8 months of this!
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amother
Taupe


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 4:42 pm
Someone who has a tendency to be anxious will often "relapse" during periods of higher stress, especially during adolescence. Maybe you can schedule a couple of sessions with a therapist for yourself, to learn how to effectively coach her through this.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 25 2018, 3:14 am
She may be into camp because she's unhappy at school.
Sometimes very good girls are bullied even in frum schools, sadly. I would definitely look into that. A test I have is ask the child if they'd rather be homeschooled (which means no peers except shul etc). If c'v a child of mine seriously answered yes I would consider doing it.
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amother
White


 

Post Thu, Oct 25 2018, 3:31 am
1) Yes to the social thing. What Ruchel said.
2) Yes to finding out how her teacher is his year, in general and for her. Has her class composition changed? Is she bored stiff?
3) The stress of the whole high school process is immense. Add the Lakewood high school experience, and it's another level. People talk about it all the time, and there's so much the girls (and their parents) have no control over.

Definitely do a check in with the therapist. You can also look for an after school or weekend activity she can do that she likes. At this age, it can be a class like dance or cake decorating, but it can also be a job like babysitting. In general, she might need to feel productive and needed- one of my dd's likes to make supper for our family.

Finally, please check in with the school about the high school process and dd. Her anxiety might or might not be well founded. The girls talk, even if the school doesn't- she may be in a grade full of girls who have siblings in the schools she wants. Her administration might acknowledge that it's a hard year, and she really has what to worry about.
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groisamomma




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 25 2018, 8:35 am
amother wrote:
1) Yes to the social thing. What Ruchel said.
2) Yes to finding out how her teacher is his year, in general and for her. Has her class composition changed? Is she bored stiff?
3) The stress of the whole high school process is immense. Add the Lakewood high school experience, and it's another level. People talk about it all the time, and there's so much the girls (and their parents) have no control over.

Definitely do a check in with the therapist. You can also look for an after school or weekend activity she can do that she likes. At this age, it can be a class like dance or cake decorating, but it can also be a job like babysitting. In general, she might need to feel productive and needed- one of my dd's likes to make supper for our family.

Finally, please check in with the school about the high school process and dd. Her anxiety might or might not be well founded. The girls talk, even if the school doesn't- she may be in a grade full of girls who have siblings in the schools she wants. Her administration might acknowledge that it's a hard year, and she really has what to worry about.


I just left a message for her principal. I asked DD about bullying but she looked at me like I have 2 heads. (One particular girl doesn't get along with her since first grade, but DD never let it bother her because that girl does it to the whole class.) DD says in her class the girls discuss high schools all day and she has to keep saying, "I don't know" when they ask her where she's going. They all know where they're going because they are either continuing on in this school (the high school is NOT a good fit for our family so no chance I'm sending her there) and the rest have siblings in the schools DD wants to go to. I don't see how her principal can do anything about it but I definitely want to ask her if we have anything to worry about. Until now I really didn't think we'd have a problem but if DD's fears are well-founded then I have no idea how to deal with this. Crying
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 25 2018, 8:49 am
Hormones hormones hormones. I’m surprised no one mentioned it. Puberty can be a killer especially if she had anxiety in the past.
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