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Forum -> Parenting our children
S/O very difficult parent
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amother
Red


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 8:05 pm
amother wrote:
And how did that make it ok? Will I pour my whole physical and emotional being into my children only to be told at age 60 that they resent me for one thing or another?


I feel the same way.
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 8:33 pm
southernbubby wrote:
They may resent you for one thing or another but if you loved them then they will love you. When you go to a levayah, and listen to the eulogies, you hear the children asking mechila because they didn't always get along with, or respect the parents, even if they basically loved them. Sometimes they are mature enough to understand that we all have our struggles in life and maybe we come out on top and maybe we continue to struggle.




This exactly describes my mil.
Her children love and adore her.
At the same time they are resentful of some of the things she did.
It's not a contradiction.

@ amother crimson, she knows her children love her. She doesn't have to wait for any eulogies to know her children don't like some of the things she does and says and still love her!!! Her children and their spouses and kids bend over backwards many times for her.
No one doubts her love for her children. and her wishes to do right by them, till her dying day. Even though the way she shows it isn't always appreciated.

My fil a"h, was not the typical father. His love for his children was so pure. I don't think any of them have any lingering resentment. It was so pure that before he passed, hashem gave him the opportunity when he was already unconscious in the dying process to bring peace to the one child that could have harbored resentment . Hashem should spare us all.


My father could also be very difficult at times. (he lives with my mother. He is a shell of his former self)
But we love him, respect him and would do anything in our capabilities to help him if needed. We feel honored to be bothered by him (by "we" I mean my siblings, their spouses and children).

Of course there is always thay ungrateful grinch. But generally over the years, children feel your intentions of your actions a lot more than you think.
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 8:57 pm
amother wrote:
And how did that make it ok? Will I pour my whole physical and emotional being into my children only to be told at age 60 that they resent me for one thing or another?


If you pour your whole physical and emotional being into your children for their sake, then barring some unusual case, they will love you, be there for you and will be able to put some petty disagreements aside.

If you pour your whole physical and emotional being int your children for YOUR own sake - to make your own life better: to use them as a mechanism for personal praise from others; to gain kovod; to control them in self-serving ways; to gain sympathy from others, to use them as props, etc - then they will rightfully resent you for more than one thing or another.

In short, if you truly are a mother in all sense of the word, you shouldn't have much to worry about. If you're an antisocial, narcissistic person with a borderline personality, (or possess one of these traits), then worry away.
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 8:58 pm
amother wrote:
Quote:
But sometimes good parents get treated this way. I have a friend who was complaining about her mother and about how she was raised (quite a few friends, actually). I know her mother- I know she made mistakes, but she is a good person and probably did a lot of good things for her children as well. Every mother does. I know this woman and she is a really good person.
Honey, you only know what you see. Some people are very talented at putting up a good front to outsiders.

Everyone who meets my mother tells me how adorable, charming and sweet she is. Yes. To you.


Exactly!! Everyone who meets my mother tells me how wonderful, kind and helpful she is. - That is until they get a little closer to her and then they run for the hills.

Unless you actually live with the person, what you see is NOT what you get.
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 9:05 pm
amother wrote:

But sometimes good parents get treated this way. I have a friend who was complaining about her mother and about how she was raised (quite a few friends, actually). I know her mother- I know she made mistakes, but she is a good person and probably did a lot of good things for her children as well. Every mother does. I know this woman and she is a really good person.


Yes, this is true.
My SIL goes around badmouthing my ILS to everyone. If you hear her talk, you would think they are really abusive.
They definitely aren't perfect, but she has totally blown everything up and is really rude to them. Takes and takes and takes from them and then complains and sulks about everything they do.
Sometimes it can be the daughter with the personality disorder.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 25 2018, 6:22 am
Some mothers drop them with nannies, do NOT cater to them or renounce their passions (not that one should renounce passions except with a small baby etc). Some mothers ARE selfish and worse they may appear giving because they're into charities and stuff but at home is less rewarding... HUm. If on top of that they're a block to their happiness later, well, shailos are there for that and there will be rabbis who will say to limit or cut off even without being beaten up.

When NORMAL parents get treated this way it is TRAGIC. Brainwashing, mental issues from the child... My mother's cousin in such a situation (about her mother). My mother wants to reject her for how she treats her aunt but I don't want to cut contact with her.
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amother
Plum


 

Post Thu, Oct 25 2018, 7:04 am
Simple!! Does the parent really love her child wen the child grows up and does a lot of things against wat the parent believes in?? Probably not so much. Which is why these parents will criticize and show lack of care for these children.

The fact that the mom carried that child x yrs ago in her stomach has nothing to do with her actions today bec that doesn't give the mom a right to treat that child with son resentment /criticism wen that child grows up and does things differently.

Also, like another person said, if the kids dont feel that the parent loves them, or if there's favoritism...then yes every "mistake" will make a negative impact on the relationship. For ex I'm not spoiled and not entitled but if my mom tells,me that her rich relative who wants to help me out with money, gave me "enough" and we got the "most" from the others, well, then clearly she is playing favorites bec 1) that relative confided in me that she supports another sibiling so she got ten times as much



and its not about the money its about wat it represents)
I said to mom, how can u care and love ur kids but not want someone who is rich and willing to help us out?? She clearly does not have complete love and caring bec I will always want to help my kids out with money and I work very hard to provide "extras" for them.
(of course, hashem allows me to have the money)

Also I asked mom why she cares if I got more money that sister x(which I didnt but mom thinks so) so I said clearly u don't love me as much as sister x.

And, no its not just money (I dont get money from that relative anymore for long time so clearly hashem didnt want me to have it but mom showed her true colors) its also how shell criticize me for x but shell give reasons why my sibiling had to do x...

Basically, she doesn't really care about me bec she can't allow me to make decisions without criticizing and can't respect my wishes if I ask her to keep something a secret but will keep sibilings xyz a secret...its clear that since 98% of her interactions are negative (especially a lot of criticism about my parenting), no, there's no love or very very little bec if she loves me, well, she loves me to live "her way" more.

So, its all about making sure to close ur mouth wen udisagree with choices ur older child makes, showing love in positive ways, and Don't favor!!

,
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Thu, Oct 25 2018, 12:49 pm
amother wrote:
There have been a few threads in the past few weeks (and more specifically the one now about the woman with a difficult mother) that have been painful to read. I'm young, my kids are babies, I love them with all my heart and give my all to them. But I'm so imperfect, as humans are, and it's scary to think that one day, it could be my baby posting about how she can't deal with her mother.
I'm not at all invalidating the very legitimate feelings of that poster but for myself I'm worrying a lot. Every mother loves her children. We carried them for nine months throwing up and waddling uncomfortably. We stayed up nights and nights with teething and sleep issues. We give up our passions so we can dedicate ourselves to our children. How does it happen that when those children grow up they can't have a relationship with their mother? And as a mother, how do I raise my children in a way that such things don't happen even though I make mistakes?
Pardon my rambling, it just makes me emotional to look at my kids and wonder how to make sure they always know how much I love them.


You are making assumptions here that all mothers love their children, and that they all stay up nights with their babies and dedicate themselves to their children. Well, my mother didn't do those things. She had lots of babies out of the belief that she has to, but that belief didn't extend to loving them and dedicating herself to them. Instead, she believed that those jobs were the obligation of her young children.

It might be hard for you to imagine a household where a 9 year old is responsible to make Shabbos, including the cooking and the cleanup. One where she is regularly kept home from school to babysit while her mother goes off to have time for herself. One where a mother does not feel the need for cleaning help, because she considers it important for her daughters under 10 to do all the cleaning.

Consider yourself lucky that you can't imagine how a parent/child relationship can break down. If you don't know how much therapy and guidance it took for that child to learn to undo all that, so as not to repeat the cycle in her own children, then consider yourself blessed.
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 25 2018, 1:59 pm
I think that if parents convey to their kids that they are also human and make mistakes, a lot could be avoided. It's when we think our parents are angels and they can do no wrong and we see very human behavior is when we get disillusioned.
Btw, having kibud av vem is not optional. It's on the first list of the 10 commandments. We don't do it because we have fuzzy feelings from our childhood, we do it because we were commanded to do it. Showing hakaras hatov is the underlying theme from yiddishkeit. And because our parents gave birth to us and nourished us we have to show them respect and take care of them.
There are also halachos in the Shulchan Aruch that are very specific about what it means to honor your mother and father.
There is no disclaimer on the bottom that if your parents made mistakes or didn't treat you so well that you get an exemption.
Of course there are exceptions to every rule and if someone feels that they can't function as a human being they have to speak with Daas Torah about this. There are also different rules for daughters that are married, if an honoring interferes with honoring her dh.

However, nowadays there is definitely a trend of trashing parents.
I'm a mother of a large family and I'm also a daughter and daughter in law of a large family.
If a mother or mil makes a comment that the daughter doesn't like and she has some instigating support from outside or inside, it's an automatic "my mother is nuts, I can't have a relationship with her".
It's a terrible terrible thing that's going on nowadays.
We have to have respect and have hakaras hatov to our parents and we have to instill it in our kids by proper modeling and also by verbalizing it.
At the end of the day, every child is a person unto themselves.
They have bechira to choose how they want to act and what kind of life they want to lead. We have to do our best and the rest is up to Hashem.
I don't think that children that cut off their parents or don't have a relationship with them, it's not always the parents fault.
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Sat, Oct 27 2018, 11:05 pm
Being the daughter of an Asperger father and a mother Holocaust survivor with PTSD and borderline tendencies (who is loved by my friends and relatives), I'm only learning now how to have a normal, not enmeshed relationship with them. My mother only got needier and more demanding as I helped her more and more until she couldn't give me space to breath when I had my own serious issues. She got very insulted when I pulled back but she got more independent and we have a nice relationship.

She gave birth to me for herself, not for me, and raised me for herself, not for me.
The best way to ensure a good relationship with your kids is to take care of your own issues. I worked with kids and oftentimes saw that when a parent would do their own work, things worked out with the child. The opposite was true as well and many children are medicated because of their family.
My mother went for a year of therapy for depression and wouldn't ever go back because "she would have to tell her story again",
I've been in therapy as needed for over 30 years for post partum depression, marital issues (of course I married a guy with his own issues and my siblings married troubled spouses) a difficult child and anger. I lost track of how many times I "told my story" but that's ok. My kids are adults and of course they have complaints about me but overall we are doing very well. I feel we are close but we have space and they ask me my opinions quite often.
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Sun, Oct 28 2018, 12:13 am
I think you fail to take into account that there are really dysfunctional parents out there. You won’t read posts from people who have no issue with their parents, which I would venture to guess is most people. I grew up in extreme dysfunction. My parents are narcissistic, abusive, and destructive. I was the main target of their abuse to the point that not only did I think my parents don’t love me, but my own siblings have that impression as well. So no, it’s not always entitlement or the way you raise your children. If you are a good person and a good parent, more likely than not you will not be the target of one of these posts.
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