It's hard helping my SIL

amother

Copper

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 12:29 pm

Its one thing to do chesed graciously from your own free will & good heart & not for return services.....but quite another for bending backwards for someone else & get spit in the face.... when the person is not even in helpless emergency matzav which would require to stretch more beyond comfort zone....to do what needs to be done....lets say if mom is running with kid to a hospital & has no choice & drops that time her other kids to someone to put them on the bus....

amother

Copper

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 12:33 pm

Here it's an everyday situation where mom works & has to figure out her own babysitting arrangements or to adjust her schedule according to her kids needs.....till now she had an overly benevelont sil who filled her in on this need.....but she is not responsible for this.

Chayalle

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 12:35 pm

amother wrote:

You should be doing chesed all the time with everyone....but not when it goes on her own or family's expense & then resenting doing it & resenting her family member....& not telling her....because she cant say no...then it's not a chesed anymore....to begrudgingly be beholden to her unappreciative sil & get potched up in the face from the kid & the kid breaking all her own kids toys....

Sure, and only OP can evaluate for herself and her family whether this is a Chessed at their expense.

It's a far stretch to say that OP got potched up in the face, it sounds more like the child slapped her once, and was firmly told no. The child was not being wholly inappropriate for a two year old, and it sounds like OP's response was appropriate too. Two is the age when a child will try this out and needs to be taught who's in charge, and what they will not get away with.

And to be perfectly honest, I remember when I had to safeguard my bigger kids' projects from their own dear little sister, who would rip their stuff to shreds when I turned my back. To some degree, some of this is part of normal growing up, and my kids learned that I did my best but that sometimes little kids do these things. I hope it prepares them for the future, when their kids do what they did to my possessions, when they were little.

Of course, if the child is totally out of control, and the family can't handle it, it's time to pass up on this Chessed for their sake.

amother

Copper

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 12:45 pm

It reminds me of a time when I moved into a family member for couple weeks with few little kids to take over while mom was out recuperating after giving birth....no cleaning help...had to do all cleaning & laundry myself, plus take care of kids who were defiant.....all she said when I left was.....have a safe trip home....no thanks....it wasn't a paid arrangement....pure chessed. Family around still said but you got free lodgings & free food.....for what? For hard labor....

Chayalle

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 12:48 pm

Copper I'm sorry you had such a bad experience doing that Chessed for your mother. That must have been really tough, and it makes sense that you would set boundaries in the future since it did not work out well for you.

For that Kibbud Aim, you should be zocheh to live a long, happy, healthy life.

amother

Copper

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 12:51 pm

I know someone who worked later than her kids school schedule. She had a neighbor take her kids off the bus but paid for it. When it didn't work out anymore they went from bus to a babysitter. I myself was working later than when my kid came home.....& had the bus drop him off at my workplace.

amother

Copper

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 1:06 pm

Even if said sil can't afford to pay for babysitting for a pro or for her....appreciation goes a long way not to feel resentment.....if another time when she's not rushed stressed out & tells her....I really appreciate what you do for me all the time....or sends her over a cake/kugel for shabbos....or buys her a little token of appreciation as a Chanukah gift with a nice note.....its nice to do chessed....we all want to do chessed....but when it's starts becoming one sided....it becomes difficult...yes there are people doing chesed for all people in need from the goodness of their heart with zero expectation of return, but that's usually When there's a neeed.....rich giving to poor....people helping almonos, yisomim, divorcees, families dealing with illness, or prison..... I learned the hard way..that being too nice sometimes you get taken advantage of.

ora_43

Tue, Oct 30 2018, 5:37 am

That's amazing, OP. What a huge and wonderful thing to do for your SIL. That kind of thing can be the difference between a relatively easy, calm week, and constant stress and even trouble keeping a job.

I don't have any advice, just wanted to confirm that it's a huge and very important favor.

imasinger

Tue, Oct 30 2018, 5:49 am

Chesed begins in the home.

If this kindness to SIL is affecting your ability to stay centered and therefore have the patience to be a good mother/wife, then you might have reached the point where you have to rethink things.

If not, then just remember -- it doesn't take massive work to do the appropriate chinuch. Weather the child's tantrums while sticking to your limits, and all will be well. Kids are amazing in their ability to adapt to different environments. I've seen many times where one classroom teacher insists on appropriate behavior and gets it, while another teacher does not, and sees all kinds of wildness from that same kid.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Oct 30 2018, 6:09 am

OP, do you own a Pack n' Play, or similar pen?

If you find that you cannot leave your SIL without child care, then this is what I suggest: Every time the child is chutzpadik or naughty, put her in the pen. Make sure that the pen is far away from all walls, so she can't grab anything. No toys in the pen, no bottle or paci.

It will be incredibly boring, and she will figure out pretty quickly that if she wants to have fun, she needs to listen to you. Every time you put her in time out, she'll have decide what behavior she wants.

Two is old enough to understand "No hitting" or "Be nice with toys". Say it when you put her in, and when you take her out. Do NOT say anything to her in between. She will scream at first, but after the first few times it will stop.

When she comes out of the pen, it is especially important to have a fun activity or toy for her, so she really gets that the pen is not the place to be.

My DD was an extremely strong willed toddler, and this worked like a charm.