Is anyone really coping?

amother

Violet

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 11:25 am

amother wrote:

IMO, money solves 80 percent of the problems and therefore helps immensely with coping.

When we had money and afforded full time cleaning help, I definitely coped and managed. I was able to take care of all of us very easily.

Shopping? No need to search for sale items. I just walked into any high end store and bought whatever I liked and done with that.

Cleaning? All was explained to the cleaning lady in about 2 weeks and from there mostly she did all herself.

Sitter? No problem at all. For the right pay I was able to get the best.

Medical issues? I was able to afford the best and therefore got best results.

Transportation? With a good car that is comfortable and doesn't break down, everything takes faster and doesn't leave you exhausted.

Need a gift fast? Asked my shopper to get it for me.

Needed to make a wedding? Well mostly all got done by my shopper! Who got me the true best, hence her experience.

Having lots of company over? I hired a waiter (and yes, the cleaning lady did most cooking).

And more than anything: That wonderful feeling of being able to help others financially.. There is just nothing like it!

When we lost all money and was/still am poor.. Well I do cope but I feel it's costing me my health due to being overworked all the time, my social life and I wish my brain would have the space so that I could be an even better mother ( even if I'm good ). It's really hard.

I repeat: MONEY is what makes the difference!

That's a horrific thing to go from that level of comfort to being truly poor. BH you sound like you have the tools to handle it. I'm truly sorry.
Even though I know very well that money doesn't solve ALL the problems and I know that it can actually create other problems. BUT- specifically in the day to day managing area I think money is a huge factor. That, and a clear organized mind. Meaning very clear thinking organized people who plan very well can manange day to day very well, maybe even on a shoe string budget. I would guess that most of us "non-managers" have less- than-healthy bank accounts or are the more emotional, less organized types. Or both!

amother

Ruby

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 11:39 am

Yes I manage and I cope and I’m happy b”h ( not always but usually).
I do not work at all and I think that’s a huge factor. My kids come home at 1pm because we live in Israel but it still leave me a few hours to clean / cook/ chill in the morning . I see my friends who work half or full time and I don’t understand how they manage ever. It just seems t be too much for one woman to carry on her shoulders.

Another factor to my happiness is that I take things lightly. if I don’t have tome to iron- my kid will go to school with a unironed shirt and nothing will happen. If I didn’t have time to make supper we will eat pizza . If I didn’t have time to wash the floor - we will survive .
We had a guest who stayed over for a few days and I felt pressured to have everything perfect all the time ( wholesome meals , perfectly clean and organized home, kids behaving etc)- let me tell ya, I collapsed as soon as they left and promised myself to never allow myself to be pressured again.

Regarding money- Of course money helps a lot !! If I was able to afford it, I’d get cleaning help and more healthy food for myself and easier time shopping etc).

amother

Indigo

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 12:14 pm

amother wrote:

But that's just it. There's regular pressure in day to day life, and I'm not talking about the nonsense pressure of wearing fancy in style clothes....there's pressure of getting to work on time, of getting kids ready in morning to make the bus, to finish he, eating, bathing...in time to get enough sleep. There's pressure to hand in certain school tuition forms on time otherwise they charge a lot more money. There's pressure to pic up your kids on time. There's pressure to return library books on time, to pay bills on time...there s pressure to help kids finish reports in Tim and finish studying in time for.. .theres pressure to tutor ur kids in reading bec waiting too long will cause ur child to fall behind and feel unsuccessful... There's pressure to be on time to ur sibilings wedding, bar mitzva. There's pressure to get home from work in time for shabbos. These are all very important things that I do need to care about.

There are a lot of pressures and wen someone can hire help, it can help relieve some of that pressure. For me the biggest pressure is from my job as my boss puts a lot of pressure on me and that I need to care about.

I wish I can have someonelse manage all these pressures and I can just "get done wat I get done" then id be coping just fine.

octopus

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 1:02 pm

amother wrote:

I never did homework as a kid and was fine. Teachers hated it nut o I survived. My parents couldn't do it.

A lot of pressures today are optional. My kids need to read and do basic math. Everything else is optional.
Peanut butter sandwiches make a fine dinner
You're kids clothes need yo be v clean but not in style or pressed
You can sprinkle chicken with salt and property and make for shabbos
You dont need to go on vacation

I don't think hw is optional. Peanut butter sandwiches every night is neglectful. Once in a while is ok. I agree that clothes just need to be clean and shabbos can be simple. No one needs to go on vacation but it is nice! The house doesn't need to be clean and organized, just not hazardous and it should be sanitary.

mommy3b2c

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 2:29 pm

octopus wrote:

Hmmmmm....

And I nearly cried tears of joy yesterday because my three year old ate a peanut butter sandwich for supper yesterday. Until now, it was pretty much only leben.

amother

Peach

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 4:01 pm

amother wrote:

I think I'm coping fine. House is clean most of the time, kids always have snacks and clothes and homework taken care of. Kids get bathed and linengets changed regularly. Dinners I plan in advance and always something ready when the kids get home. I work full time and dh works full time+. We have three under age 6. BH I try to stay organized and of course it's easier when kids have school and aren't on break.

How much help do you have?

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 4:47 pm

One thing I did that helped me a lot was to designate a part of our living quarters that had to be kept neat and uncluttered. This was the living room, which I would clear up every night, or at least the next morning. This was possible only after a couple of things happened, namely that our youngest started preschool and we moved to a place with a LR that you didn’t have to walk thru to get to any other room. Anyone who brought stuff in had to take it out when they finished. So no matter what was going on in the rest of the house, the LR was a haven of order and cleanliness. Since it’s also the first room you see when you come in, it made an instant impression of order and cleanliness that was great to come home to. It reminded me that I’m not a slob, just the mom of young children who share my home, and that there was hope for my future.

zaq

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 5:20 pm

professor wrote:

My fear is, though, will they grow up OK. I sure hope they grow up, but will my mistakes screw them up?

Children are more resilient than you think, and what you think are mistakes may just be out of sync with the current fashion in child rearing, and not mistakes at all. The pendulum swings back and forth between permissive and strict, scheduled and on demand, be your child’s buddy and be your child’s authority figure, front sleep and back sleep and so on and on.

Do you have a concrete reason to think you might seriously mess up your kids? Are you abusive? Genuinely neglectful? Do you let them play with knives and matches or leave them home alone? Are you suffering from a mental illness and not taking your meds? Do you have a string of boyfriends you call”uncles” who like to peek in on your kids at night? Not vaccinating them? If so, then yes, your “mistakes” may in fact mess up your kids for life, or at least cost them many thousands in therapy.

But if your mistakes consist of letting them eat candy or food that’s not organic, letting them stay up too late reading, putting them to bed on whichever side is currently deplored, not letting them go to someone’s birthday party or buying or not buying whatever the current teenybopper’s “must have” is, or being a little too strict or not quite strict enough...I wouldn’t worry about it.

Queen6

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 6:31 pm

WELCOME TO REALITY. Although everyone seems to be coping perfectly many women struggle to get through the day sanely. We live in a very fast paced demanding environment and generation.
However please take the thought of if only I had ..........
I would be coping like .......
It’s not true. You are only seeing the very outside of people’s lives. Theirs are just as difficult and complicated as yours little do you know they’re wishing for your life.....

octopus

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 6:42 pm

amother wrote:

octopus- probably off topic but why don't you consider hw optional? Thankfully my dd doesn't really have homework because my husband didn't do his hw and turned out fine so he doesn't see the point.

There are always extenuating circumstances. But to chronically never do hw? Part of learning responsibility is doing hw. Yes there are some teachers that overload. And I am very vocal about that. But I think that a parent shouldn't send a message that hw is not important. It's part of responsibility. Life happens and sometimes it does not get done. But ideally it should.