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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
imasoftov
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 Mon, Nov 19 2018, 2:37 am
| amother wrote: | | It’s so awkward when someone calls during shiva. There is nothing to say, just say the pasuk and hang up. I remember I got phone calls 2/3 weeks later and people just want to comfort me it was so special. |
I took calls during shiva, I appreciated it, but I would not have if someone had just said the words and hung up.
Also, it's not a pasuk.
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amother
Coffee
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Mon, Nov 19 2018, 2:42 am
When I was sitting shiva for my mother (admittedly nothing as tragic as losing a young child) I appreciated old friends that I hadn't seen for years, coming/ writing.
I did not for 1 second think "where were they when my mother was sick".
I think she'll really appreciate an email, or a call after the shiva.
No one called me during the shiva - either came or emailed.
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amother
White
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Mon, Nov 19 2018, 10:00 am
As someone who sat shiva for a parent, the calls and visits were really appreciated. Even from ppl I wasn't close to in our growing up school years.
But the absolute worst was an old friend who called and asked a million questions as if she was my best friend. g-d it was SO intrusive and I just felt like she wanted to get off the phone and gossip to ppl about how she knew all about the details. If you haven't been in touch that's OK, life happens like that. But don't ask a ton of questions that are just pointless to know.
Just express how your old connection is still meaningful to you and you were sorry to hear of her loss and wanted to convey that you care and her and her family are in your thoughts and prayers. That's it. Don't avoid it. And a card is totally fine if you don't want to call.
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ectomorph
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Mon, Nov 19 2018, 10:52 am
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Definitely call many posters gave good models of what to say. It means a lot to ppl.
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amother
Indigo
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Mon, Nov 19 2018, 12:03 pm
No. Sorry, I sat shiva more than once and I don't understand why people think I suddenly want to talk to people I haven't had anything to do with in years. From my point of view, it is not a mitzvah to be menachem avel people because you knew them vaguely in some capacity.
If she was sitting shiva for a parent, and you remember her parents, then yes, go or call. But losing a child is so traumatic, why make her deal with your phone call. I absolutely think an email is the way to go.
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