Where have all the stay at home moms gone? :(

dankbar

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 11:30 am

Schools today are very advanced. By 4-5 they are expecting them to know Hebrew and or English alphabet & start with reading. If they are behind they need tutors already. If a mom decides why can't her little girl still get mommy time instead of jumping into learning, the kid is at a disadvantage when she's arriving at school at 4 yrs old & is way behind socially, acedamically & just getting used to the idea of school when all her peers are into it already for a long while. Unless you are your dgtrs teacher every min that other kids her age are in school & teaching her all the stuff her peers are learning she will be a misfit when she arrives to school.

amother

Mint

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 11:57 am

flowerpower wrote:

“How old is your baby”?

“She’s 20 months kah”.

“When are you sending her to playgroup”?

“ I didn’t think of it yet”

Looks at me like I’m crazy.

“You should send her soon, she’ll be sooo bored at home”

I get this a lot!!!! Seriously! Why is it your business?

I also got this so much when my oldest was little. People told me I was crazy for not sending her to school until she was 3 and a half. She'd be bored, she needs to socialize, etc. Glad I didn't listen to them because I still think years later that keeping her home longer was one of the best things I have done for her.

I would actually be so curious to hear from experts and professionals whether it is in fact true that toddlers benefit from starting school at the age of 2-ish. I think every kid is different, and, while it may be good for some, it is by no means a given that it is best for every kid. But many people I encounter seem to have the idea that OF COURSE a 2 year old should be in school and OF COURSE they'd be bored and home and need the stimulation/socialization/structure of school.

DVOM

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 12:22 pm

thegiver wrote:

Why does no one keep their kids home anymore? If more parents did it, it would incentivize others to do the same. My 3yo ds could use friends but all are in playgroups!! Do you think arts and crafts and a morah’s love is greater than being there for your little ones? This is their formative years. Nothing can replace your love and attention.

I understand if you are working by choice because you dont have patience. Its not easy being constantly on call to a toddler. But you are irreplaceable. Your time, your smile, your affection—even if you are doing your chores together, it can still be bonding.

I hope I can persuade other moms who are ambivalent about keeping their kids home and if it is viable financially for you not to work or to work nights and weekends or start your own business on your time... do it for your kids sake!! It is not easy but your kids will thank you one day. And no alphabet enrichment or education replaces the value of play at the tender age of 3. Socialization opportunities would be very beneficial though.

On that note if you are a stay at home mom with children age 3 or older (and not anti vax—pls no offense meant to you—just want to protect my little baby) pls reach out to me via private message and let’s connect.

I find the tone of your post to be very judgmental.

I have four kids. My children were all sent to babysitters between 5-10 months, which was usually when I felt ready to return to work. The fact that they spent some of thier day in the company of other little kids and some kind and loving adult caregivers did not in any way replace my love and attention. Sending my kids to playgroup did not mean giving up my role as thier mother. I am very aware that I am irreplaceable to my children. Being thier mother is my greatest responsiblity and greatest joy, and a life's calling that I take very seriously. They had, and have, my time, my smiles, my affection. We do chores together, we sing together, we cook and bake together, we paint for hours, we lay outside in the leaves, we take long walks, we do all these things and they also go to playgroup. These are not mutually exclusive consepts.

I get the sense that you may be very young. Is your three year old your oldest child? Perhaps some more life experience will teach you that there are many ways to be a good mother.

amother

Bronze

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 12:25 pm

amother wrote:

The effect of preschool has been studied quite a lot over the years. The biggest takeaway at this point is that it has to do with socio-economic status. Kids from lower income families and neighborhoods, where the parents have lower levels of education benefit tremendously from preschool. Many of them don't really have books at home, can't run around outside so much because the neighborhood is unsafe, and if not in preschool, someone would be sticking them in front of a TV most of the day, not doing anything enriching with them. For middle class families and up, preschool is not as crucial. There are still good reasons to send- if both parents are working, sahm who needs a break, kid is the type to really thrive in that setting- but it's not a must, because the parents who are more highly educated are reading books to their kids, managing both the quality and quantity of screen content, providing enrichment even while just running errands or doing stuff around the house. So at that point, school or no school is really a personal choice that doesn't matter much in the long run. For kids that don't have those advantages though, preschool makes a major, positive difference.

Chazak613

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 2:44 pm

I sent my oldest DD1.5 out when I was in my 9th month with my second. She is a social butterfly and absolutely need the social environment which I can't provide her. We play together plenty in the afternoon when she comes home after 2 pm.

This thread reminds me of an great article I read on Linkedin. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse.....cchi/ I loved it so much as it is so real and accurately describes the challenges of a SAHM and Working mom (Is there an acronym for that??)

dankbar

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 5:07 pm

You say richer & more educated spend more time with kids than poorer? I wonder how true is that? If mom is a doctor or lawyer & spends many hrs with clients & comes home late & needs to do dinner & bedtime....then has social commitments of higher level....or keeping up degrees....who said she has the time & patience to sit & read a baby book to her toddler....if she so intelligent wouldn't she rather read something for herself that is has knowledge.

On the other hand take a woman that has few babies home & her husband is a delivery guy at the supermarket & she can't afford daycare isn't she busy with her babies a whole time. She's an immigrant, doesn't know the language, is limited with integrating with greater society, doesn't understand intelligent books for herself....

amother

Slategray

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 5:24 pm

as I stated above, my daughter skipped 3 year olds and she is ADVANCED not BEHIND. I think it's fine to send kids at that age as well- I'm really not in to mommy wars- you are loving and responsible and do the best to give your kids a healthy upbringing- go you- however you get that done.

I'm glad someone brought the research on the topic. I remember looking it up as well and that was what I saw. Dankbar you aren't understanding- it's not that middle class and wealthy people necessarily have more time with their kids as a whole- we are specifically talking about mothers who are staying home with their children. their home is probably one where reading takes place and education is a value. They also have the money to buy quality toys, engage in outdoor activities... They are staying home as a conscious decision and not because they can't afford to send their kids to playgroup.

amother

Bronze

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 5:40 pm

dankbar wrote:

While of course every individual is different, this is a very well-documented large scale trend. For one thing, the wealthier families may be spending more hours at work, but they're not then also spending much time on domestic tasks, because they're able to pay someone else to do those things. So when they're with their kids, they're really with their kids. Also, highly educated parents absolutely have a vested interest in reading to their babies, because they value education and because they are knowledgeable enough to know how important it is to read to their babies and speak to them well before the babies are able to speak themselves. The poorer families are often headed by a single parent, so no, they're not spending that much time with their kids because they have to work multiple jobs to survive, and then they have to do everything at home too because they certainly can't pay for someone else to clean. They might not be able to afford books or toys, there isn't time for going to the library. Many of these parents are also not well educated and not necessarily aware of what they can or should be doing to stimulate their children. Actually, most of what we tend to obsess over in the "mommy wars" really doesn't make much of a difference for middle and upper class children, they'll be fine either way. It's really only for very disadvantaged children that these things matter.

moonmama

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 6:27 pm

I get where OP is coming from. I stay home and it used to be with my older kids, like over 10 years ago, we would have mommy and me get togethers a lot. Now I am an anomaly to keep my 3 yr old home. Our reasons for doing so are complicated but I am glad of this opportunity, even though I have no down time when the baby naps. My daughter gets plenty of socialization with sibs and will have plenty of time to catch up on the rest. She knows all her letters, numbers and aleph beis.... she also sorts laundry like a boss!

doodlesmom

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 7:33 pm

eema of 3 wrote:

My son needed way more structure than I could provide for him. Having him home would have been a huge detriment to our relationship, even at that young age. I sent him to playgroup when he was two turning three. I don’t regret it for a second. My next one needed more socialization than I could give her, so I sent her to nursery. (She turned 3 the summer before school started) My next one was home with me until the fall after he turned 3, and my baby will be turning 3 this year, and she will be going to playgroup next year as well.
I don’t understand why it’s ok for you to ask that people don’t bash those who keep their kids home, but it’s ok for you to bash those who don’t?

I'm not bashing anyone doing what works for them- I'm bashing the concept of the moms blaming the kid for sending him or her out.

dankbar

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 9:05 pm

What I was trying to say amount of time moms spend with kids playing with them, teaching them, reading to them depends on moms type. I don't think it has much to do with amount of money you have.

In my community people focus more that they're houses should always be spic & span, rather than letting their kids develop & make crafts which dirty the house. They rather send their kids out to the shared hallway to play so houses stay clean . If they could they rather send their toddlers to playgroup so they dont unpack cabinets & make a mess in the house.
I don't know so many mothers that sit & read books to their kids or play games with them.
Most have large families with children close apart so they entertain each others.

amother

Jetblack

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 9:23 pm

The few from my group of friends that keep their kids home are basically glorified self righteous teenagers, and I say this as one of them and as one that loves them all dearly. Let’s call it as it is. It all depends on ur personality and circumstances.

Like kolel is a sacrifice for some and ppl are really invested and some ppl are just rich and choose it as the easy way out

My friend who is in full time school with her kid by a babysitter is a more attentive mother than the one who treats her kid like a fussy pocketbook she carries around all day; to the mall, to lunch etc. she gets a babysitter so she can go do her nails and panics when the kid is sick cuz she’ll mess up her cooking schedule.
We each spend about 6/7 hours on social media daily ... :/

I am staying home now (not by choice) but belive I will be a better mom when I work- I can bh afford to work part time so it’s not so intense. I can also probably afford to not work but honestly I end up filling my time with silly things and not focused and not enjoying my family time as much.

amother

Mint

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 9:24 pm

amother wrote:

I was a kg teacher. When I got 4 year olds that never went to school before, in my class, first time in school, they were shy & on sidelines until they warmed up.

I'm not sure why that is a problem. Did it have long term effects on their ability to socialize in school or their academic success? All kids have to adjust to school at some point and many are shy when they first start. But perhaps in the long run the extra year at home was actually beneficial for them.

amother

Seagreen

Wed, Nov 21 2018, 9:57 pm

I haven't read through the entire thread, but I think I'm an anomaly because I kept my two youngest kids home all day, everyday until middle school. Stayed home with ds40 until he was 3 and it was because of his daycare experience I stayed home with the younger ones. ds24 started yeshiva in 8th grade and dd21 started in 7th. My kids are all super independent and two of them left home at 17. Since I homeschooled, they all learned to read before 5 and for limudei kodesh I hired the yeshiva teachers and it didn't take long for them to acclimate academically. Socially was a steeper learning curve, but my dd was class rep in her 11th grade Bais Yaakov class and is still super social.

Now with an empty nest I'm so incredibly happy and grateful for those amazing years. I treasure them so much and my kids have good memories too. We traveled a lot..... it was mamash amazing!

My daughter works in a kiruv (mostly) childcare. The frum kids are more difficult, behavior wise, in general. Because of what she sees and how long it takes to calm these kids when the moms leave or they get upset, she really wants to be a SAHM.

amother

Blush

Thu, Nov 22 2018, 12:10 am

Kids thrive in an environment that's healthy for them. If a child is being put in front of a TV all day, cos mommy can't be bothered.. obviously he would be better off in a playgroup. If a family works full time and have a nanny who is devoted.. that's amazing. If the mother (or father for that matter) loves being a sahm or sahd and really makes daily life interesting and the kid learns something.. also great. But staying at home because one is afraid to go out there and fail in the academic world is definitely not helping any child. You have to do it for the right reasons.
My mother stayed home because she's lazy and has social anxiety. She didn't want to challenge herself.. she was also a terrible mother. I would have been jumping from joy if she worked and didn't stay home all day doing nothing. So being a sahm isn't automatically a good thing