If I invite your family - and you accept - kids count!!

Kiwi13

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 5:25 pm

amother wrote:

OP here. Wording was, “we would love for your family to join us” and then, maybe because I’m backside, or maybe because I’m sick of flakey people, I followed up with a text a week before and again Erev Shabbos saying “we are so excited to see your whole mishpacha!” I really don’t know how any of that could translate to couples only.
Also, I know for some these gatherings are kind of informal so I get a lot of “I’ll try to swing by” responses and I tell those people, “no, don’t swing by. We’ll give you a rain check. We want to actually spend time with you and your family, not guess if you might or might not stop by.” I really do think I’m doing what I should on my end to be clear.

I’m sorry but telling families with children that they must commit 100% to attending in advance with all of their children or else don’t come? That’s not realistic. If it’s an invite for couples, yes. Families, no. No family I know with young children could commit to that even one day in advance. You’ll be rain checking for a long, long time.

amother

Bisque

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 6:14 pm

Swinging by means they really can't predict but you and the event are important enough to them to try to be a part of it. It means they don't expect to have seats or full meals; they can come with whoever they have and see everyone and maybe have some soda and a nosh and play with their cousins.

Yes, if everyone says this you may have noone, and may need to decide how to proceed. But I would have no family events if I had those rules. And if I was given those rules and I wanted to be able to come, I would RSVP yes, and then bring whoever could come. Which seems to be what is happening to you.

krembo

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 6:20 pm

Maybe it would be easier if you didn't set places, but did a buffet style thing where plates and cutlery and food are all on a side table for people to help themselves to, then they seat themselves at the table wherever works for them. Since none of your guests apologized for not bringing the number of kids you were expecting, they probably thought they were being mentchlich by not bringing any hyper, over-tired kids, and only bringing the ones who could handle being out after Shabbos. So now you know what to expect going forward. Cook less, serve buffet style, and enjoy your company! It's so nice what you're doing!

Simple1

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 7:29 pm

amother wrote:

Your wording seems too informal and passive for the reply you're expecting. Did you ask them to RSVP? If you want exact numbers, you can ask for exact numbers. I once had someone text that as a follow up to an invitation. Otherwise I assume they don't care - they just set out a buffet and guess amounts.

amother

Pearl

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 7:38 pm

Kiwi13 wrote:

What?? I didn’t say that. Or I didn’t mean that. You’re mixing up 2 things.
1. I invited whole families. So if they say “we’re coming” then I assume all kids are coming. Or at least most. I don’t expect a couple to show up minus their 5 or 7 kids unless they said, “just us this time kids are busy/ have other plans/ go to bed early/ etc”
2. I respond to the “try to swing by” types by telling them we’ll invite them again another time. “I’ll try to swing by” to my ears translates to “I’m not willing to commit to your invitation. I might find something better to do or just feel like sitting home in my pajamas “. That’s ok. But I’m not planning around this. I’d rather invite another family that actually wants to be here.
We do this once or twice a month, invite 4-6 families at a time and usually things go well. But this last time 16 kids didn’t show. It was sad for my kids and annoying to me. Oh, well.
Just saying, people should do their best to plan and stick to it and communicate with hostess. And if things change and you suddenly show up with none of your kids it wouldn’t kill you to apologize. That’s all I’m saying.

Amelia Bedelia

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 7:57 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

OP, did you specify that children were invited? Because I received my nephews Bar Mitzvah invitation and it was addressed to Mr and Mrs ABC . I assumed that maybe the kids weren't invited. It usually says Mr and Mrs ABC and Family.
I had to ask my SIL if my kids were invited and it felt very awkward doing so.
Also lots of people are not bringing their children to family events and simchos due to the measles and the possibility of someone not being vaccinated . I don't know where you live and if that would apply.

It's understood in my circles that when an invitation is addressed to Mr. And Mrs. that it's for the adults only. When it says Mr. And Mrs. and Family, then the kids are invited too.
I'm assuming your sil did not invite the children.

Kiwi13

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 8:00 pm

amother wrote:

You might need to be a little clearer/more formal in your invites then. I don’t see all of these things as intuitively obvious. To me, a melavah Malka with an informal invite is probably in informal event and I wouldn’t assume the rsvp is such a formal thing like it would be for a wedding or even for a fancier melave Malka. If there is a formal invitation I would expect a more formal/organized event that may or may not welcome children unless explicitly stated and a headcount is requested.

You may not realize it, but even in this post your expectations aren’t super clear. That might be part of the confusion for your guests. I don’t think anybody is purposely or even grossly negligently being offensive in their responses to your invites.

amother

Pearl

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 9:23 pm

Kiwi13 wrote:

Ok. I can't see that, but I've been wrong before.

trixx

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 9:23 pm

Feeding kids beforehand - my mother did this on purpose and we all do it now. I can't expect kids to sit and eat nicely instead of running around with the other kids... Or I have an earlier supper.. Or I don't want crankiness so I'd rather fill up at home...or I can't be sure host will provide "acceptable" foods. It's definitely out of respect and consideration for the host and the interest of the party, not meant offensively

amother

Pearl

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 9:25 pm

trixx wrote:

You're talking about little kids and little kids don't each much weather fed before or not. It's more about the teens. If I'm expecting 3-4 teen boys - they can eat like 10 adults! So I make a lot of extra for them.

yamz

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 9:32 pm

OP, I'm sorry for you. You sound like a gracious and generous host. I don't know why people are so inconsiderate. I do feed my kids before we go someplace though. Because I have experienced the opposite problem several times. People have invited my family to a meal, but they didn't really account for the kids. My kids had no seats and/or weren't really fed, because the hosts just assumed, "Oh, they're kids, they won't really sit down and eat anyway. Kids don't sit still and kids don't eat anything." Well, mine do. My kids sit and my kids eat quite a bit. So if I don't want them to go hungry, I have to feed them before we go out. If I was hosted by someone like you, my kids and I would be thrilled.

amother

Red

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 11:27 pm

I'm sorry that happened. How frustrating.
In the future, ask for an exact count out adults and children who will attend.
Still, realize that things will come up, eg a girl has a class melave malka that she found out about midweek and parents don't think it's so important to inform you.
If it's all important to you, you should specifically tell guests that if any adult or cold won't be attending they should please let you know because it affects your preparation and set up.

amother

Navy

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 5:26 am

OP, I have teens and even when I ask my kids, "Do you want to go to [so and so's] party?" they will say Yes and then back out the day of for all kinds of reasons. I try to let the host know but you never know which kid will all of a sudden be in a crabby mood and want to stay home, or they remember they have a class Chanukah party the same night and want to go to that.

thunderstorm

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 8:48 am

Amelia Bedelia wrote:

she DID invite the kids but didn't write "and family " and that was the confusion. When I called to ask her she said "of course the kids were invited"....well, according to the way the invitation was addressed it did not look like the kids were invited.