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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
Need advice on how to talk to ds



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amother
Indigo


 

Post Tue, Nov 27 2018, 9:06 am
We have a truly wonderful 16 year old son (yeshivish). He is respectful, learns well, helpful and with a wonderful sense of humor.

We were very upset to find out that he searched for "girls" on an internet enabled device. We obviously changed our WiFi password and will take additional steps to ensure it shouldn't happen again .

My question is, how do we talk to him about what happened? What do we say?
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 27 2018, 9:11 am
Do you mean he looked to connect with girls, he was looking for pictures, or he was looking for [filth]? I would think each of those conversations would be different.
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Tue, Nov 27 2018, 9:14 am
eema of 3 wrote:
Do you mean he looked to connect with girls, he was looking for pictures, or he was looking for [filth]? I would think each of those conversations would be different.


Definitely not to connect with girls. We haven't spoken to him yet as we want to be prepared with the proper approach
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amother
Ruby


 

Post Tue, Nov 27 2018, 9:17 am
I say don’t say anything yet just be vigilant for any red flags. Many boys that age wouldn’t be able to resist that curiosity of seeing what’s out there when given the access. Making a huge issue out of a little slip may just backfire. But definitely keep your eyes open and have strong filters on all devices.
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Tue, Nov 27 2018, 10:06 am
amother wrote:
I say don’t say anything yet just be vigilant for any red flags. Many boys that age wouldn’t be able to resist that curiosity of seeing what’s out there when given the access. Making a huge issue out of a little slip may just backfire. But definitely keep your eyes open and have strong filters on all devices.


We will definitely be vigilant but we would like to talk to him as well
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amother
White


 

Post Tue, Nov 27 2018, 10:22 am
I'm assuming he has no contact with girls irl and he's curious. At age 16 this is not surprising.
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Tue, Nov 27 2018, 10:34 am
amother wrote:
I'm assuming he has no contact with girls irl and he's curious. At age 16 this is not surprising.


Correct! Although he does speak and interact with his teenage cousins.
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fmt4




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 27 2018, 11:45 am
Tell him it’s totally normal. Do NOT make him feel like there is something wrong with him or that he is sick, or gross, or bad. But you can tell him that he should want to save these things for marriage and not see anything that could ruin future relationships.
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 27 2018, 11:55 am
OP, have you spoken to him at all about his body changing, that its normal, its normal to feel feelings, wet dreams, that none of this is dirty or shameful, and its just to be saved for a little later for when hes married?
Thats the gist of what he should know....
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 27 2018, 12:04 pm
OP this thread might help you
https://www.imamother.com/foru.....rt=20

On the second page I posted some points frm a speech given in monsey (endorsed and attended by Rav Shmuel Kamenetsky) that speaks all about this kind of thing
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 27 2018, 12:24 pm
fmt4 wrote:
Tell him it’s totally normal. Do NOT make him feel like there is something wrong with him or that he is sick, or gross, or bad. But you can tell him that he should want to save these things for marriage and not see anything that could ruin future relationships.


Yes, this
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Tue, Nov 27 2018, 1:35 pm
fmt4 wrote:
Tell him it’s totally normal. Do NOT make him feel like there is something wrong with him or that he is sick, or gross, or bad. But you can tell him that he should want to save these things for marriage and not see anything that could ruin future relationships.


This is really good advice. Thank you!
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Tue, Nov 27 2018, 1:36 pm
little neshamala wrote:
OP, have you spoken to him at all about his body changing, that its normal, its normal to feel feelings, wet dreams, that none of this is dirty or shameful, and its just to be saved for a little later for when hes married?
Thats the gist of what he should know....


We did, but not at great length
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Tue, Nov 27 2018, 1:37 pm
little neshamala wrote:
OP this thread might help you
https://www.imamother.com/foru.....rt=20

On the second page I posted some points frm a speech given in monsey (endorsed and attended by Rav Shmuel Kamenetsky) that speaks all about this kind of thing


I will check out this thread. Thank you
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 27 2018, 2:02 pm
fmt4 wrote:
Tell him it’s totally normal. Do NOT make him feel like there is something wrong with him or that he is sick, or gross, or bad. But you can tell him that he should want to save these things for marriage and not see anything that could ruin future relationships.

It seems to me that it's worth clarifying what "these things" are to find out if that's an appropriate response.
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