Frum and making comments about curves?!

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 4:18 am

Sometimes I'm going for a Shabbos in the city I was a student a few hours driving from my home in another city.
They have always a hard time to find minjan (there are Chabad sluchim). So when I was catching up with my old friend some guy in his 70s who claims he is a chossid (he dress likes a chossid goes to places like Antwerp and Stamford Hill etc) was saying he likes curvy women and women like me. Women with a big chest (like me). Once he saw my mother walking in the city (she was going to her work) and he asked my mom her phone number. I'm really used at comments on my body and everything but I'm disturbed by this man he is literally more than 40 years older than me like go sweat on someone else.

DH is kinda disturbed by this and he thinks I need to say this to the rebbetzen, it is totally not tzniusdik and torahdik. I will do so but does this happen often? Like did things like this ever happened to you?

Rappel

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 5:54 am

There are creeps in every society. I wouldn't worry too much about it, but no, it's not normal for a religious man - or any decent man, for that matter.

simcha2

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 6:08 am

It's not ok (even if the man isn't frum). But if he's in his 70s it's possible he has early stage dementia which makes him lose his inhibitions.

Not an excuse, but maybe an explanation.

WhatFor

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 6:09 am

Yes. There are sleazy men in every community, even frum ones. I probably wouldn't consider someone who does that a "friend" but to the extent that I'd continue talking to them, I'd say "I don't appreciate people commenting on my body." If he starts arguing about how it's a compliment or anything else other than "I'm very sorry", "I'm making it very clear I'm not okay with it. Good day." And I'd walk away.

Every so often you have a person saying it's generational, he's just an old guy, etc, but it's not your problem if someone comes from a culture or generation where openly objectifying women was more acceptable. Once you make it clear that you're not comfortable, he can respect that or you can stop meeting up with him.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 6:42 am

I live OOT too.

My husband made the comment that chareidi people outside of their shtetl (stamford Hill, Boro Park, Bnei Brak) often behave differently. Eg men who would never talk to me in Stamford Hill talk to me here. (nothing inappropriate, just normal friendliness)

And yes, creeps exist everywhere.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 6:46 am

If you think he might be pestering other people, you might want to mention it to someone. It could be that he makes lots of women uncomfortable, but they keep waiting for someone else to bring it up.

Just yesterday in the bank, I was having trouble with the ATM. A bank employee, frum man, came over to help. He kept leaning into my personal space in a really weird way. When I got my transaction done, He asked me in Hebrew, "Did you come here on your own, or do you have a family? Do you want to go out for coffee or tea? Come on, just a little coffee? Are you sure?"

I pretended that I didn't understand him, and got out of there FAST. It was definitely awkward and uncomfortable.

Iymnok

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 7:45 am

amother wrote:

Am I the only one who thinks something is off about this post?? I cant decide if I should report it or not.

Either report it or not. Don’t try to call it out on the main forum.

I’d stay far away from him and not honor him with conversation.

amother

Black

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 7:47 am

amother wrote:

Am I the only one who thinks something is off about this post?? I cant decide if I should report it or not.

Don't think so. Think OP is just European or from somewhere where English is not her 1st language.

amother

Plum

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 7:53 am

simcha2 wrote:

It's not ok (even if the man isn't frum). But if he's in his 70s it's possible he has early stage dementia which makes him lose his inhibitions.

Not an excuse, but maybe an explanation.

This is actually very possible. I work in a rehab/nursing home. You wouldnt believe the things ive heard come out of some frum old mens' mouths-people with the earliest stages of dementia(who happen to be there for a knee replacement) or people with late stage...its awful. Shocking. These men were reapectable people, zaidies, one even a Rav, but the things that come out....family members are mortified and keep explaining "this is not him!" I guess even if you lived a certain way only in your youth it comes out then, I dont know. Its just very very sad.

But that really could be an explanation

amother

Cyan

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 7:55 am

Why mention his age, OP? Are you disturbed by his behavior because he’s old and repulsive? Would his behavior be any more acceptable to you if he were young and good looking?

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 8:50 am

amother wrote:

Don't think so. Think OP is just European or from somewhere where English is not her 1st language.

OP first language is an European language which is not English

gold21

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 9:03 am

amother wrote:

Am I the only one who thinks something is off about this post?? I cant decide if I should report it or not.

You're not the only one

This OP writes similarly to the OP in the Intimacy thread that is divorced and asking about personal massagers.

With that aside, OP, comments about your body that make you uncomfortable are never OK. Frum, not frum, old, young, European or American- If he makes you feel uncomfortable, you should either avoid spending time with him or be direct with him about this issue. Good Luck with everything!!

gold21

Tue, Nov 27 2018, 10:58 am

amother wrote:

Its not the grammar that's weirding me out, it's the whole gist of the thread.

Well yeah, it's interesting that OP ends the post with "did this ever happen to you". Hmm.

Honestly, no, I can't say that this specific scenario did happen to me. I'm not really curvy though... I have more of a petite build. So who knows.