Emotional regulation for 7 yr old

amother

Orange

Sat, Dec 01 2018, 7:58 pm

7yr old ds cries when he gets hurt by big bro age 8 or little bro age 2.

I don't think he has a low threshold for physical pain, I think it is just that usually he is so controlled so this is his chance to cry for what he considers a legitimate reason. There are several supporting arguments for this theory. To wit, he does not cry at school, only at home. He does not cry during minor medical procedures. He does not cry when he is well fed and rested.

What can I do to stop his crying over minor injuries and insults?

((Edited to remove what appears to be a triggering title and additional statements that were distracting from the main issue.))

FranticFrummie

Sat, Dec 01 2018, 8:39 pm

Wow, how can you be so heartless? He's 7 years old, for pete's sake! Try showing him some compassion, and maybe his tears will dry up faster. He needs sympathy, not name calling.

Would you treat him this way if he were a girl? Is your DH the macho type who is afraid that his boys are going to be sissies? If you are having family problems, parenting classes are definitely in order.

amother

Orange

Sat, Dec 01 2018, 9:15 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

What a helpful response!

allthingsblue

Sat, Dec 01 2018, 9:19 pm

Op I'm sorry for the situation. I see a few problems here. 1- your dh calling him a crybaby is not ok. Is your husband aware that this is unacceptable behavior? Please find a way to talk with him about this calmly without blaming him. Perhaps suggest therapy, parenting classes or speaking with a mentor/mechanech.

The way I would deal with it (after speaking to dh) is to speak with your son directly. Tell him what you noticed (without using damaging labels such as crybaby) and ask him why he thinks he reacts that way.

Perhaps ask him if he can come up with an alternative solution (instead of crying, he will come tell you, or he will write you a letter, etc).

The other thing I noticed in your post is "that he is so controlled." What do you mean by that?

allthingsblue

Sat, Dec 01 2018, 9:20 pm

I also suggest initiating a lot of positive interactions between yourself and this son, and your husband and this son. Make it a priority to spend time with him alone each day and perhaps take him on an outing each week (errands, 711...). This might solve the problem if it is attention he is seeking.

amother

Orange

Sat, Dec 01 2018, 9:37 pm

Re DH, in his country of origin that would be considered a mild reaction. This post was not about him though, it was about my son and my internal and external reactions to my sons behavior.

I did try to speak with him to brainstorm solutions but we got stuck. I would love to hear some suggestions. Writing things down is a good one. I'm looking for suggestions that will help him release built up emotional tension without getting into a negative pattern of viewing himself as the victim in every fight with siblings.

By "so controlled" I mean that he is not reactive, doesn't have outbursts and is very mature for his age. He is self-disciplined and even during fights he is usually very restrained. I can imagine that behaving well all day in school and at home is probably pretty burdensome for a little kid and crying at insignifigant injuries or slights at home is just feelings from the day leaking out.

amother

Orange

Sat, Dec 01 2018, 9:41 pm

allthingsblue wrote:

This is also part of the issue. This child needs much more attention than the others and most probably does not feel like he is getting enough despite being the one who gets to come along on errands when everyone else stays home, getting extra alone time with mommy, etc.

amother

Saddlebrown

Sat, Dec 01 2018, 9:47 pm

Hm. I think I was similar to that as a child. What would have helped me is much more love expressed to me (I love you, hugs and kisses...) and much more healthy emotion displayed in my home.

amother

Natural

Sat, Dec 01 2018, 10:26 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

I agree totally. Sorry OP, harsh but true.

He is much more likely to stop crying when he gets the love and attention he is trying to get. "I know, mammelah, your knee hurts you. Show me where it hurts you. Here, rest on the couch with this book while your knee is getting better." Kisses and brings book to son on the couch.

That kind of thing rather than sneering "crybaby." And whether you think this post is about your son's issue and not your husband's it is most assuredly a husband issue. You are a mother. Your job is to nurture your son. Start doing that. Give him what he needs, which is a loving parent. And for heaven's sake, stop name calling.

amother

Tangerine

Sat, Dec 01 2018, 11:16 pm

He needs to be validated for his emotions and not shamed for his emotional reactions. It is ok to cry if he gets hurt. It is painful, and crying is a normal response to pain. Allow him to be a child, allow him his emotions, and allow him to express himself in the way that comes naturally to him. Validate and support him.

amother

Orange

Sun, Dec 02 2018, 5:50 am

amother wrote:

Feeling emotions and displaying them are two different things. I can validate the pain and also not accept that crying hysterically is an acceptable demonstration of the pain in the same way that I can validate the feeling of anger and not accept that throwing a chair is an acceptable demonstration of anger - even if it might come naturally to someone.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 7:09 am

amother wrote:

Re DH, in his country of origin that would be considered a mild reaction.

Your husband is a bully. I don't care what country he's from. He could be from Neptune and it still would not be acceptable.

You need to protect and nurture your children, not shame them for having a perfectly normal reaction to a frustrating event.

amother

Periwinkle

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 7:44 am

When my daughter was 5/6 she was like this. She is now 7 and sometimes falls back into it.

First of all it’s a cry for you to do something. Many times if a kid complain ‘z’ hit me. Parents are like ‘stop that’ or no reaction because it happens so often. Child thinks Maybe if I cry there will be more happening or you will think it’s worse and actually give ‘z’ a big punishment.

you have to make sure the older child does not hit your son. It’s not okay ever.

Secondly I found my daughter didn’t know how to stop. So we worked on counting while crying and it really worked.

She also only cried at home not school. And sometimes she could cry about a push or someone cheating during a uno game for 2 hours. Waling the top of her lungs the entire time. It was a very difficult time to keep my cool. As a parent you need to be prepared to handle it. (I’m not going to say I’m perfect. During some especially long crying episodes I would have her finish up in her room because as a household we couldn’t function). But counting and breathing through an episode really help.

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 8:03 am

Please nno judgement. OP is asking for help.
1-start using private time at the end of the day. 5 minutes to simply talk about how the day went for both of you. Include feelings in your discussion. If he can't find something to talk about then you talk about your day with your feelings.
2- instead of saying don't cry say it is OK to cry when you feel this way. Tell me what happened.
3- nobody deserves to be hurt in any way. So if someone hurt him the other children need to be disciplined.
4- tell him I love you no matter what happens to you, so if someone does something to you, you need to tell me immediately. I don't allow anyone to hurt you