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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
How do you decide when to step in as a parent
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oneofakind




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 30 2018, 9:14 am
There is nothing like face to face meetings with teacher and director. They push you off, keep kid home and march down to school. Do not send him/her back until this is straightened out. If the teacher took a dislike to your child change classes or schools, it's simply not a shidduch.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 30 2018, 9:26 am
I haven't read the whole thread yet and not sure I will - it's very triggering for me. But I want to come out and say that my pre-1-A teacher was abusive to me and to other students in the class. It happens. And she was considered an excellent teacher, I'm sure.

I was from a large family and probably not that be-ribboned, fancied-up little princess (though I was cute and smart, but not enough I guess) - she clearly showed favoritism to those students. It came out in little ways - like I remember being told to give the princess sitting near me the red crayon that she wanted - no reason told, just because she wanted it and the teacher clearly favored her. This girl somehow ended up with the best toys at playtime, because she could go to the teacher and get it.

I remember being sent out in the hallway when I wanted a certain doll, and so did a kid she liked. She never investigated who was misbehaving - if it involved me, I was at fault. I knew I was in trouble just for being near those kids.

I remember her smacking another student.

Perhaps more progress has been made these days - this was over 35 years ago - and I hope preschool teachers are better educated and have more skills. But I do believe this can take place in preschool, and we can't be too careful.

Even in today's day and age, one of my daughters had a teacher whom I felt was unfairly mean to her students, and this was in a younger grade. I heard of others who had the same perception I had. When I found out that my next daughter would have that teacher, I switched her class.

OP, you are really a wonderful mother - you have great communication with your child, which is huge. It's great that your child knows he/she can come to you to tell you what is going on. It's great that you are validating and reassuring. It does sound like the environment in that preschool is excessively harsh - a good preschool teacher should be able to create an environment in which a normal child will not misbehave, and will thrive. And if there were misbehavior, there should've been communication with you and a behavioral plan.

I think your instincts are spot on.
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amother
Firebrick


 

Post Fri, Nov 30 2018, 9:44 am
I am horrified. Truly
To give you some perspective, my daughter entered first grade this year and the teachers have been having a hard time with her, but I’m amazed at how gentle and understanding they are.
They call and update me, and ask me for advice every step of the way. Whenever they call they start off by complimenting telling me how smart she is etc. They try with positive reinforcement, charts etc. they sent her to a woman employed by the school who helps kids with social skills behavior etc.
she was sent out twice, once to a different classroom for 45 min. And once she just went to the bathroom and came back.
What you are describing is abusive. I’d keep my kid home until it’s resolved.
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Fri, Nov 30 2018, 10:50 am
If I were you I wouldn’t pull my daughter out until I have all the details.

If your daughter has a behavioral or other issue, you should get info about that. I’m not condoning the teacher’s way of handling it, but if you say she is an experienced teacher, there must be something more going on here than teacher and child not getting along.

I think you should go down to the school with your husband and request an emergency meeting with the director to discuss it.

Hatzlacha
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Fri, Nov 30 2018, 11:32 am
amother wrote:
If I were you I wouldn’t pull my daughter out until I have all the details.

If your daughter has a behavioral or other issue, you should get info about that. I’m not condoning the teacher’s way of handling it, but if you say she is an experienced teacher, there must be something more going on here than teacher and child not getting along.

I think you should go down to the school with your husband and request an emergency meeting with the director to discuss it.

Hatzlacha


One way or another, something is definitely wrong. Even if the child has serious behavioral issues, the lack of communication from the teacher and the types of punishments are still out of line. She definitely should try to speak with the director, but I personally would keep my child home until then. This does not sound right.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 30 2018, 11:56 am
What defines an excellent teacher? One who knows how to teach angelic, well-behaved kids with no spunk, no initiative, never-put-a-toe-out-of-the-line?

My mother A"H used to tell us of the time she observed an excellent preschool teacher (as part of the teaching program in BYBP seminary). The restless child was sent to the office to bring Morah some more supplies; the kid who needed a boost was Morah's helper at the blackboard. etc....

One of DD's (excellent!) teachers told a mashal from R' Chatzkel Levenstein of Mir - he likened it to an expert gardener who knows which plants need more sun and which thrive in shade; which need lots of water, and which need just a bit.

A really good teacher knows which of her students need to be kept more busy, which need to be seated close by and which need some distance, the social dynamics, the student that needs a hug and the student that would find that intimidating, the student that wants to be chosen to lead daving and the student that dreads the same.....
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pause




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 30 2018, 12:44 pm
Just chiming in as another voice to tell you that in no way shape or form is this normal or acceptable. I would personally go down to the school and ask to speak to the director, principal and administrator or board member or dean. Such treatment of both your child and you, as a parent, is wrong on so many levels and it needs to be dealt with pronto.

This is not one of those gray areas where we can't be sure, depends on the context, two sides to the story bla bla bla. If nothing else, at this point, you are entitled to answers. You didn't get them, so you gotta go demand them.
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farm




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 30 2018, 12:56 pm
OP, even if a kid did something really 'bad' (spilled glue all over the floor? Refused to join the class during circle time?), the punishment sounds unacceptable. If a child misbehaves to the extent that she needs to be removed from the classroom, the school would call a parent to pick up the child and discuss what interventions may be necessary in order for the child to be part of the class. Leaving her in the office for 4 hours as a punishment, not communicating with you, and then carrying on as if this never happened until the next incident all point to an incompetent teacher, director, and a terribly run program.
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Fri, Nov 30 2018, 1:17 pm
amother wrote:
One way or another, something is definitely wrong. Even if the child has serious behavioral issues, the lack of communication from the teacher and the types of punishments are still out of line. She definitely should try to speak with the director, but I personally would keep my child home until then. This does not sound right.


To reiterate, I am in way condoning the teacher’s actions. I’m just saying there must be more to the story.

Also, if the child was sitting in the office for 4 hours, how is it possible the director did not speak to the teacher and been made aware of the situation?
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BasMelech120




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 30 2018, 1:56 pm
amother wrote:
Being removed from the classroom for the duration of the day ( 4 hours ) this was for not cleaning up lunch. Being threatened, for example told child they cannot go home until xyz. I had to spend days comforting my child that they will always come home and if the school doesn't send them home I will be there in seconds to get them.



These examples are completely inappropriate, if not downright abusive.

Early experiences like these have an effect on the entire life of the child.

As a parent, it is your responsibility to stand up for your child, and pull them out of the school if needed. Yes, it will be difficult given that you have other children in the school, but that is not reason enough to let your child continue to be frightened and anxious and abused throughout the school year. Your child cannot stand up for themselves.

They need you.

Please do what is right for your child, and surround yourself with support for the aftermath of what you might have to deal with (e.g. finding a new school for all the children if it comes to that).
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boots




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 01 2018, 8:03 pm
farm wrote:
OP, even if a kid did something really 'bad' (spilled glue all over the floor? Refused to join the class during circle time?), the punishment sounds unacceptable. If a child misbehaves to the extent that she needs to be removed from the classroom, the school would call a parent to pick up the child and discuss what interventions may be necessary in order for the child to be part of the class. Leaving her in the office for 4 hours as a punishment, not communicating with you, and then carrying on as if this never happened until the next incident all point to an incompetent teacher, director, and a terribly run program.


I would not consider a 4 yr old spilling glue all over the floor or refusing to join during circle time "really bad" and cause for any punishment, just for reperations in the glue situation and for skillful classroom management by the teacher in the circle time example.

Really bad would be causing danger to self or others and even then sitting in the office for 4 hrs would not be a useful way of disciplining a 4yr old!
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ChutzPAh




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 01 2018, 8:43 pm
Who was ‘watching’ Your child for those 4 hours in the office?
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sub




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 01 2018, 8:51 pm
A gut voch. OP any updates?
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Sleepymama




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 03 2018, 2:59 am
This thread is making me physically sick. A child at that age will absorb that they are "bad" they can't grasp that this is an abusive teacher. I really feel for the OP because I have been in that exact situation a number of times. Where the teacher is an expert at making the parent out to seem over protective and crazy. I often feel that I can't express what needs to be expressed to stick up for my child because the teacher is "quick lipped" and uses tactics to derail the conversation and make me and my concerns sound ridiculous. It is such a horrible feeling when you know you are your child's only advocate and mouthpiece and yet you can't do the job properly. I get stepped on a lot in life because I hate conflict and I'm not good at it. But when my child is mistreated I have no choice but to step in. When I can't communicate it properly I feel as if I've failed my child.
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