Husband's communication with preschoolers

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Preschoolers

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amother

Jade

Tue, Dec 04 2018, 6:40 pm

I find dh communication style with our children concerning. He thinks it's totally normal the way he speaks to them.

"Excuse me! Don't talk to me like that. Especially after I gave you a present. If you talk to me like that, I take away the present!"

"You left that on the floor the whole time? That's not nice"

"Excuse me, we don't walk around and eat. Ok you're going in your booster. Remember last time you fooled around, and got hurt. Now you need to go in your booster"

"Excuse me. You're either eating or your going to bed early. I want to see you eating. I want to see you take a bite."

"Excuse me. Are you a tattle tale? Is this person hurting you? No? Then don't tell me. Excuse me, don't say anything."

Every excuse me was interrupting the child, and said with tension in my husband's voice. All of these interactions were within 5 minutes.

I feel that he needs help learning to interact better with the children, so that he doesn't damage them. He completely disagrees with me, and claims that he is being respectful by using the words "excuse me".

groovy1224

Tue, Dec 04 2018, 6:44 pm

Well, it's a lot to say all that in 5 minutes, but none of that seems too terrible.

Sometimes kids make you tense, and you get overly critical. It happens. If you see this, that's a good time to say "Honey, why don't you take ten, I'll take it from here."

trixx

Tue, Dec 04 2018, 7:03 pm

It is concerning. Have him read a book like how to talk so little kids will listen, or play podcasts in the car or when he's around. Model appropriate responses.

allthingsblue

Tue, Dec 04 2018, 7:06 pm

It might not be effective parenting and might not elicit the response he wants, but it's not bad or disrespectful.

amother

Slategray

Tue, Dec 04 2018, 7:07 pm

At least he’s polite. Lots of excuse me’s. 😂

amother

Jade

Tue, Dec 04 2018, 8:15 pm

amother wrote:

At least he’s polite. Lots of excuse me’s. 😂

Would you be okay with an adult raising their voice with annoyance, talking like that to your 3 year old child?

amother

Jade

Tue, Dec 04 2018, 8:17 pm

groovy1224 wrote:

He would take that as a personal affront to his parenting skills. Especially since whenever he takes charge, this is his communication style.

amother

Jade

Tue, Dec 04 2018, 8:25 pm

allthingsblue wrote:

It might not be effective parenting and might not elicit the response he wants, but it's not bad or disrespectful.

This post was really helpful. I can somehow bring up the discussion by telling him that I noticed that he is tense around the children, and spends a lot of energy trying to get them to cooperate, which takes away from his time connecting with them.
I can ask him if he is open to brainstorming new approaches that may increase cooperation and facilitate connection simultaneously.

I hope he doesn't end up stonewalling me, or shifting blame onto me. He falls into that, and it scares me.

imasinger

Tue, Dec 04 2018, 8:32 pm

Perhaps he would be willing to take a parenting course together with you?

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Dec 04 2018, 8:52 pm

Being proactive is better than disciplining after the fact. Let's say when you serve, you can say a nice friendly reminder, even in a sing song. Everyone come sit down to the table, mommy is going to give supper! Who remembers the rule how we eat supper, nicely by the table! Lemme see how nicely we can all eat by the table! Oh! I see Chaim sitting with derech eretz! Who else? Positive reinforcement! That's how I did it with my students.

trixx

Tue, Dec 04 2018, 10:48 pm

groovy1224 wrote:

I was busy before so my reply was terse but I have to disagree with you. Yes it's pretty terrible. It's ineffective parenting, making a lot of noise with no point, not respectful, calm or helpful damaging to little childrens self esteem and makes the mother nervous.

I have a male family member who does exactly this (maybe op is even his wife). Their kids are toddlers/babies, not even old enough to fully speak back, and it's so painful to hear him interact with them. I literally can't stay in the same room when he starts with his "discipline" - putting the baby in time out every five minutes for doing baby things like spilling food. He is not a bad person just an entirely untrained father perpetuating bad parenting techniques. (and no, not everyone "turns out just fine" as "we all did" bc he for one clearly didn't).

The solution is so simple - education. (though I won't pretend it's simple to implement) The alternative is so truly damaging.

imasoftov

Wed, Dec 05 2018, 4:30 am

amother wrote:

At least he’s polite. Lots of excuse me’s. 😂

Reminds me of the "Excuse me...What's your opinion on the meat shortage?" joke

But seriously, ~~plastic slipcovers~~ parenting courses.

amother

Lime

Wed, Dec 05 2018, 4:57 am

*deep breath*

Hi,

I am not your husband, but boy, do I sound like him when I'm tired and overwhelmed. It was creepy to read what you wrote - I just kept reading it in my voice.

I don't want to be a bad mum, but I was raised in a very frightening home, and I only know what NOT to do; I haven't a clue what TO do instead.

I don't want to hit or scare my children. I try never to threaten punishment - they're very reasonable children, and will go along with just about anything that has been explained properly, even the 2 year old.

When I'm tired, though, my voice takes on a very harsh and abrupt tone, and I hate it.

I live in a rural area, and there aren't any parenting classes around. Could anyone here suggest parenting resources, either a book or online, which would help me learn to parent gently and sensitively when things become very tense?

amother

Pink

Wed, Dec 05 2018, 7:33 am

When my children were young, I (not my husband) took a parenting class. I learned a lot from that class and began talking to my kids differently. After a few weeks, my husband began using the same terminolgy I was using. Just hearing the same lines consistently rubbed off on him.

ectomorph

Wed, Dec 05 2018, 8:16 am

Sounds normal if not optimal.

Personally I would let him figure out his parenting style on his own. It might be different than yours but its not bad.

If he sees something you do works hes more likely to copy it.

Im sure you're not a perfect parent either. Not to criiticize just to put in perspective

amother

Jade

Wed, Dec 05 2018, 8:23 am

trixx wrote:

I feel like you actually understand the situation. It's very hard to take the feelings of how the words come out and put it into writing.

Do you think a parenting class would really help? I attended a parenting class a few years ago, when I thought I knew everything, and I saw that nothing actually went in. Since then, I've learned how much I don't know, and I've become more open to learning.

He's at the point where he thinks he knows everything. Any time he learns something, he seems to apply it to everyone but himself. Would just attending a class actually make a difference? It would take a lot of effort to get him to actually attend. Is there another option?

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