My child sleeps in my bed

Moonlight

Thu, Dec 06 2018, 12:49 pm

I would not sleep well if kid in my bed.
When my kid comes in, I walk them back to bed .
We did a chart with not waking mommy up with a good enough prize to make it work.
I also honestly tell the kid at 3 am that they are making me physically sick and cranky by not letting me sleep.
Exception is if the kid is sick, they can sleep in my room.

ahuva06

Thu, Dec 06 2018, 1:07 pm

Teomima wrote:

You walk him back. Again. And again. And again. And again. You will go through several nights without sleeping. But eventually he will get the picture.

This.
No bribes. No speaking. Just walk him back, tuck him in and go back to your own bed.
(you can discuss with him before bedtime that he's getting too big to come to mommy's bed every night and he's going to start sleeping in his bed now)
I recently finished training my own DS to sleep in his own bed. It was about 2 weeks of sleepless nights but now bh he stays in his own bed and I have mine back...!

FranticFrummie

Thu, Dec 06 2018, 5:39 pm

DD has horrible anxiety, and it's in her nature. She wasn't traumatized by anything, it just showed up around 2 years old, and only at night time. (Eventually it carried over into school hours as well, but that's another post.)

I didn't really understand or recognize her anxiety. At first I thought she was just being strong willed (even though she definitely is). We tried everything from white noise, multiple book readings, songs, Super Nanny, you name it.

Everything worked fine until I walked out of the room, then she'd start crying hysterically. I tried to let her cry it out, thinking she was being a drama queen, but at times she would cry for 4 or 5 hours straight, and other times she would cry so hard she would throw up. Then she started banging her head against the walls and kicking her headboard.

I couldn't lock my door, because she'd go through the same routine, just pounding at the door and crying.

Yep, I gave in. The second she hit my bed she'd sleep like an angel until morning, without any fuss. She didn't even kick me. j

One day, just after she turned 12, she told me that she wanted to sleep in her own room. At first I had to sleep with my door open, but after a couple of days she settled in and hasn't looked back. I absolutely don't regret letting her sleep with me. I actually miss it.

Raisin

Thu, Dec 06 2018, 6:48 pm

We lock our door and that helps in stopping kids coming in to some extent. With our youngest, this didn't work so eventually we told him he can come in once it is morning. In the winter, its easy - tell the kid they can come in your room once it is light. In the summer, you can get a kids clock that changes colours when it is morning, or some people put tape on the last 2 digits and tell the kid they can come in once the number is 7. (or 6, or 5, wtvr works for you)

.

amother

Salmon

Thu, Dec 06 2018, 7:28 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Thank you. I think I needed to hear this.

thanks

Thu, Dec 06 2018, 8:21 pm

Culturedpearls wrote:

Behavior annalyst? Seriously?
5yo is a baby! He wants his mommy plain & simple.
Give him the security of knowing he can always come to you. Enjoy the cuddles.
Time passes to quickly.
Some of mine rarely came to my bed. Others every night. Sometimes 2 at a time.
Let me tell you they needed no behavior analysts , therapists or any other intervention!!
They wanted me & I fulfilled that need.
They’re B”H well adjusted independent adults.

If that works for you, great. The op asked for help getting her 5 year old out of her bed. A bcba can suggest a behavior plan to make it a smooth transition. As you can see, for some it turns into a battle.

DVOM

Thu, Dec 06 2018, 8:35 pm

Culturedpearls wrote:

I admire this answer, pearls. I would not have been able to do it though. I need sleep. I don't sleep with little people in my bed.

My solution? "Hi sweetie, couldn't sleep? Go snuggle with Abba." Works like a charm, and that man can sleep through anything Smile

Culturedpearls

Thu, Dec 06 2018, 9:59 pm

thanks wrote:

With all due respect this is an age old issue. Nothing new under the sun.
Nothing that one needs any therapist for. Do Americans ALL have therapists? Or is that just on Imamother? Plenty of good suggestions on here without making a normal child into some kind of therapy case.
I felt OP thought that somehow a 5yo sleeping in her bed wasn’t something normal. Not that it actually bothered her. I may be wrong.
My point is it’s normal. And if it works then why not???

amother

Lavender

Fri, Dec 07 2018, 1:09 am

Culturedpearls wrote:

I dont think it’s normal, or healthy for a marriage. The child should be sleeping soundly through the night and not NEED comforted. It’s perfectly fine if it bothers her and she wants something different for her household and asks for tips to do it. I’m an American, and don’t feel OP needs to find a therapist for her child or for herself Wink

OP, you may consider physical environment like noise, temperature, etc. and be sure to rule out medical, like post nasal, or acid reflux. Lastly, be sure adequate food and drink and at the best times for your child.

Culturedpearls

Fri, Dec 07 2018, 3:17 am

amother wrote:

It’s very normal . People used to sleep sharing beds all the time & certainly sharing rooms. My kids enjoy sharing rooms too.
If it disturbs either spouse fine but if it doesn’t (nothing disturbs mine at 3am) then what’s the issue. Little kids (5yo is very little) do get freightened & May need that extra cuddle.
I remember asking my now married son who was 8yo “sweetie why are you in my bed?”
To which he sleepily answered “because I love you”.
So almost 2 decades & many children & cuddles later I’m happy I gave my kids what they needed & you know what? My marriage never suffered from a love sick child climbing in at 3am.
This may not be for every family but yes it’s perfectly normal not to sleep alone.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Dec 07 2018, 5:04 am

Culturedpearls wrote:

Exactly. I'm wondering when having separate bedrooms for children became a "thing". It was probably to show off wealth and status, that you could afford extra rooms and a night nurse.

The "family bed" is a much older concept, and has shown that it strengthens children's bond with their parents, and society as a whole. I just don't understand why people are in such a hurry to get away from their kids.

amother

Sapphire

Fri, Dec 07 2018, 1:57 pm

Family bed was not a jewish concept, as it is assur to have relations in front of children, (not referring to a sleeping infant).

We keep our bedroom door locked at night, and often we wake up during the night for a little "action", especially if we were too tired when we got into bed. So we keep the door locked for privacy.

If kids come to the door, one of us walks the child back to his/her bed. If he/she scared or had nightmare, we stay with him/her for a little. Plenty of love, hugs, kisses, and cuddles.

But our bedroom is a private couple room, not a family hangout.

amother

Seashell

Sun, Dec 09 2018, 12:50 am

amother wrote:

For anyone reading this, please be aware that this post is partially inaccurate. Halacha forbids relations with AWAKE children in the room (not a problem if they are asleep), and allows relations in a room with a baby even being awake, as long as said baby is still too young to verbalize what he/she sees.

I was told that the baby should not be in the same bed during relations, but same room is not an issue.

In general the parents' room in a Jewish home contains two beds, so "family bedroom" would be a Jewish concept, while complete "family bed" would not.

nchr

Sun, Dec 09 2018, 9:02 am

amother wrote:

Family bed is discussed in the gemara as a Jewish concept discussing naked sleeping between parents and children because at the time it was common practice to sleep naked.

However, today it is an unacceptable practice after certain age and just in general, should not be done at any age (read child rearing books).