Standards for other people's kids on play dates?

amother

Blue

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 2:31 pm

This is for those who live in a mixed community with a range of practices as to how much exposure kids get to movies, TV, non-Jewish music, how much sugar kids are allowed, whether kids get screen time, and so on.

This is also about small kids, ages 3-7, not teenagers.

When you have your kids' friends over for a play date, do you feel the burden is on you to ascertain the other family's standards regarding things like junk food, movies, video games, and music? And, in the absence of permission, you should err on the side of being restrictive?

Or do you feel that the burden is on them. So that, by dropping their kid off with you and not giving any instructions, the other family has effectively said "you can do whatever you do with your own kid"?

I am just entering this phase and I really want to avoid any hurt feelings or unpleasantness, so I've been erring on the side of texting parents to ask, for example, whether their child is allowed to watch something. And if I've seen for myself that a certain parent doesn't allow their kids something that we allow, then I won't offer it on a playdate. I'd rather have shalom than be "right."

With regard to our own family's standards, I let people know if I want them to be more restrictive with my child in a certain area, although I really try to be very sparing about this. But I'm just curious what people expect.

Also, this isn't about kashrut standards, as I try to always ask about that. More about the other rules mentioned above.

amother

Blue

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 2:43 pm

amother wrote:

I don't let my kids watch stuff or play video games when they have playdates. I'm sure many of the parents wouldn't be ok with it, so it's just a blanket household rule I have.

That makes sense. It also prevents the situation of a kid with stricter rules being blamed by the other kids on the playdate whose parents have looser rules. Like "oh we can't do this fun thing because Sarah is here."

amother

Sienna

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 2:57 pm

As a host: Absolutely ask about items that are 'known' points of difference, that may apply to the play date.

As a mother dropping of her child: Casually mention items that you'd prefer weren't 'on the menu' so to speak, if host doesn't say anything. There are ways to communicate without insult.

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 3:19 pm

As a host: "Is there anything you would like me to know about what activities you permit for your child?"

As a parent dropping-off (or preferably before, when the plan is being made): "Please, we don't permit video games for Moishele."

In a mixed community, it's the sort of thing that parents learn to be open about.