Hostess Gift - Who gives it?

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Forum -> Relationships -> Guests

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amother

Gold

Thu, Dec 20 2018, 6:04 pm

If somebody sleeps in your guest room who usually gives the hostess gift? Is it the person asking (they have no sleeping space) or the person actually sleeping?

I grew up always bringing a gift if sleeping by somebody.
Today I see the host of the simcha giving or sometimes nobody brings anything.

simcha2

Thu, Dec 20 2018, 6:09 pm

We host a lot for other people (think 2or 3 times a month). I would say most of the time both bring a gift. Sometimes just the baal simcha (or space deficient person). Very, very occasionally no one.

Thu, Dec 20 2018, 6:17 pm

Both.

amother

Burlywood

Thu, Dec 20 2018, 6:20 pm

By me, if it's for a simcha that has a lot of hosted guests, the baal simchah will usually give a gift to the guests to deliver, or bring it by themselves. If it's just one hosting (someone's parents are coming and they have no space), then usually the guests or both.

amother

Blush

Thu, Dec 20 2018, 6:23 pm

We see a lot of no one bringing anything. More often then not the guests are empty handed. We never got a gift from the baal simcha even when she was a stranger.

zaq

Thu, Dec 20 2018, 7:36 pm

Either, neither, or both.

amother

Purple

Thu, Dec 20 2018, 11:40 pm

amother wrote:

We see a lot of no one bringing anything. More often then not the guests are empty handed. We never got a gift from the baal simcha even when she was a stranger.

Same here.

amother

Blush

Fri, Dec 21 2018, 3:41 am

amother wrote:

Same here.

I never hear from the baal simcha until the next time she needs a room. One time my neighbor said her daughter with 8 kids wanted to come for Pesach. We cleaned out a part of the house used for storage, borrowed cots, etc. In the end, they slept at her parents' house. Her parents placed a single guy in the space. I heard the guy exploring the rest of the storage area upstairs from where he was. I never got so much as a verbal thank you.

imasoftov

Fri, Dec 21 2018, 4:30 am

OP, are you the potential giver or recipient? If you're the former, give something whether you're the guest or the person who asked someone to host the guest. If the latter, it's nice if you get something, but don't feel that you must.

amother

Gold

Fri, Dec 21 2018, 6:04 am

OP here
In past years we constantly gave our basement to people that asked for a shabbos, yom tov or simcha. We had people move in for days and not say thank you and walk in with nothing. Only one time by a simcha did the guest and host give. Other times it was just a host giving and sometimes nobody. We stopped giving out our guest room and only give it for simchas now. These people only call us when they need our guest room.

amother

Blush

Fri, Dec 21 2018, 7:37 am

amother wrote:

I reached the same conclusion. I only host my own guests. I don't tell people I have space available. I don't know where they think my guests sleep. But my space is not communal property. I don't give out my space for simchas anymore if I don't know the people.

flowerpower

Fri, Dec 21 2018, 7:51 am

If someone is making a simcha and they find guestrooms for their guests then they will send over something sometimes.
Other times the guest herself brings something.
Sometimes both do.
Many times none do.

amother

Blush

Fri, Dec 21 2018, 8:34 am

flowerpower wrote:

A simple thank you after the simcha would be nice. I hate only hearing from people when they need favors and then they disappear.

amother

Purple

Fri, Dec 21 2018, 8:42 am

amother wrote:

We give out our basement for simchos (and occasionally out of towners) and we rarely get a gift (or even a thank you). We have had people leave after staying more than a week without even letting us know that they are gone. . . We have also had people take down our family pictures from the walls (because there are women/girls in the family), etc. It can be thankless and sometimes frustrating. . .

That said, we continue to give out our basement, because we believe that hachnassas orchim means welcoming guests who need a place - not just those we enjoy having (I.e. family and friends). I, personally am glad to have the opportunity for any and all Mitzvos (especially since so few were given to women). We just don’t expect any schar for it in this world - we’ll wait for the next one . . .

btw - when we’re guests, we always bring something for those who are hosting us, whether or not the person making the Simcha gives them anything.

flowerpower

Fri, Dec 21 2018, 8:45 am

amother wrote:

A simple thank you after the simcha would be nice. I hate only hearing from people when they need favors and then they disappear.

That is disgusting. I would be resentful. I have a drawer full of thank you notes that people
Left in the room( I don’t prepare any papers. It’s their own). The Israelis really good at writing brachos btw.

OutATowner

Sat, Dec 22 2018, 6:23 pm

We have received from both the guest and the baal simcha. We dont host often, but bH we have only had positive experiences.
We had young bochrim once who slept by us and they were eating out. They brought a bottle of wine, and the bottle they brought for the other hosts broke in their bag. I told them we greatly appreciate their gift, but they can bring ours to the other family. They felt so bad taking it back, I could tell they really wanted to show their appreciation and weren't just doing it because they were told to.
People who don't show any hakaras hatov, even a verbal thank you, (many times growing up), I just tell myself that they are socially off.

amother

Bisque

Sat, Dec 22 2018, 10:20 pm

I usually bring a box of good Chocolate, if I'm being hosted.
Guests that stay by me: some give something and some don't. Everyone, comes up to personally thank me before they leave.

essie14

Sat, Dec 22 2018, 10:23 pm

When I am a guest I bring a gift, even if I’m attending a simcha and the host made the arrangements.

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