Nostalgic for Xmas, ugh

crust

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 11:57 pm

amother wrote:

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone.

My parents are religious Xtians and our Xmas wasn't the commercialized semi-secular holiday a lot of people celebrate. It was deeply religious. Our religion was something that was part of every day, not a once-a-year thing like mentioned upthread, but Xmas was extra special. I wouldn't mind if I were missing things like cookies and presents but I do feel upset with myself for missing the religious feelings of the holiday. Yuck.

To the person who asked - I had been in the process of becoming a minister, but while doing so I took a course on church history and discovered that the religion was man-made. It was pretty traumatic. My classmates didn't seem to see the obvious, but all the source texts we were reading clearly showed this. So I spent a couple of years digging into historical records and determining that in fact Yiddishkeit is true and everything else is man-made. So here I am.

This post sent chills down my spine.
I was thinking to myself today about a similar post last year and how hard it must be for someone coming from a warm family, like you. You really sacrifice a big thing.

I don't think that bashing yourself is in place at all. How about just allowing yourself to feel the feelings? Yes you are nastolgic. You are normal for feeling this way.

The more you will work on accepting yourself with these feeelings and acknowledging that these feelings exist and are here to stay, the more you will become ok with yourself. All sides of yourself.

Good luck and I really love you.

DrMom

Tue, Dec 25 2018, 12:26 am

It is natural to have fond feelings for something you associate with a positive time in your life, even if the things that evoked those positive feelings don't do it for you anymore.

Don't feel guilty. It's very natural and entirely logical.

Think about someone who is divorced. Her first marriage didn't end cantankerously; she just fell out of love. Years later she is happily remarried and she hears a song on the radio that reminds her of when she and her first husband were happy. Maybe it's the song that was played at their wedding. She feels happy momentarily thinking about that time long ago when she and her first husband were happy and in love. But that's all long ago and in the past. She enjoys her moment and should not feel guilty about having good memories of what once was.

amother

Pewter

Tue, Dec 25 2018, 1:18 am

amother wrote:

Wow, I’m awed! I think you’re a very impressive individual, and I’m glad you joined our nation!

DVOM

Tue, Dec 25 2018, 6:05 am

amother wrote:

OP, thank you for sharing this. I'm sure it was difficult to do. You sound like a spiritual and Gdly person even before you were mitgayer. I know it is a personal journey for you, but special people like you infuse Judaism with new spiritual heights, like Ruth and Rachav.

Though ffb, I struggle with the expectations set for me as a orthodox/ frum person who strives to live with Gd in my life through Torah. I take it day by day. I was so grateful when a friend explained the modeh ani phrase of "rabba emunatecha" as how great is your faith in me, Gd. Gd believes in me, and gave me a chance today. He knows I'm not perfect, but I ask Him to help me because if He has faith in me, I must be valuable even in my imperfect state. Not sure if this helps, but to me, Gd is full of lovingkindness and compassion.
Hug

Beautiful, thank you for sharing.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Dec 25 2018, 7:36 am

simcha2 wrote:

Why wouldn't you miss something fun and meaningful to you?

I think it's ok to embrace the feeling of something lost, even as you embrace something else.

I haven't had a cigarette in 20+ years. I was never addicted, but enjoyed the feeling and that time in my life (young, single, no real responsibilities). Sometimes I get a whiff of someone's cigarette as they walk by and I'm overcome by nostalgia and longing, even though I have no desire to return to that stage of my life (or to smoking, it stinks).

SAME! Such a perfect analogy. I can relate to both the smoking and the Xmas issue.

Who doesn't love sparkly lights and tinsel? A Grinch, that's who.

My parents weren't particularly religious, but we enjoyed all the trimmings of a secular Xmas and it was always a happy time, a feast for the senses. Now I realize that even on a secular level it's not OK, because so much of it is of very pagan origins. Sad

I think this is part of why we are told to hiddur l'mitzvah, to buy the most beautiful candlesticks, menorot, seforim, megillot, etc. that we can possibly afford. The judaism in our homes should bring us as much joy as a sparking light, and then some.

OP, you sound lonely. Is there a women's study group near you? Can you do some volunteering in the evenings? The holidays can be extra hard if you don't have any meaningful bond in your community. (Trust me, I know.)

Even working in a secular soup kitchen on Xmas eve can be a wonderful experience. Or you could make up a whole bunch of baloney or pbj sandwiches, a big urn of coffee, and drive to a homeless campsite. They would be very grateful for a snack and a hot drink on a cold night.

imorethanamother

Tue, Dec 25 2018, 12:40 pm

amother wrote:

I need some chizuk here from people who've come from where I've come from.

It's Xmas Eve. And this year, like every year, I get wistful and nostalgic about Xmas with my family. I was misgayer 20 years ago! I'm raising a Jewish family and my older kids are teenagers! It's so stupid of me to get hit by nostalgia every year. I miss Xmas Eve services with my family the most. We'd do the 11:00 services that finished at midnight, with the lights down low and everybody singing, and then at the end everybody would light each other's candles. I miss the feeling of total connectedness that I experienced. I felt connected to G-d and connected to my church community and to the world as a whole.

Now that I'm B"H Jewish, I feel connected to Hashem, and connected to Klal Yisroel, but it's not the same. The chiyuvim we have means that I'm constantly failing. I'm always falling short of what I should be doing and who I should be. I never have that feeling of simple joy and connectedness because I'm always feeling guilty for not doing enough. The standards we're supposed to keep are very, very high. I wanted this and I chose it and I'm so grateful for HKBH bringing me into Am Yisroel, but when you stand in a mikveh in front of a beis din and promise to keep the mitzvos, it's a heavy responsibility that my FFB husband doesn't seem to feel the same level of (I don't know what? - maybe duty?) about. I don't know if I'm explaining this in a way that makes sense.

Anyone else come from a religious Xtian background and struggle with nostalgia this time of the year? Any advice?

This is just the most amazing post. I'm so happy you wrote, OP.

I think that what you describe sounds beautiful. I think it is sad that there are a lot of parts of Judaism that's just very segregating. I'm not sure where you live, but the only time I've felt that feeling of being connected to everyone and each other and everyone singing was by selichos at the Kotel before Rosh Hashanah. Most of the time it's being behind a curtain in your little shul, or kind of watching other people do things, or even do things that feels like you're doing them on an island.

Also, OP, I don't know how God works, but I do know that you've made more introspective changes - and followed through - than most people do in a lifetime. You're not failing, you're accomplishing. And everything is slow - it's SUPPOSED to be slow. No one can change everything about themselves in the pace you're describing. You gave up your entire background and becoming a minister because you decided it wasn't the truth, and you wanted to follow the truth. Um, that's humongous! That gets you an A+ most everywhere else, I'd imagine.

In the spirit of the "holidays", I wish you light and connectedness and joy and love.

amother

Apricot

Tue, Dec 25 2018, 2:09 pm

OP, I'm an FFB but I relate to the nostalgic feelings.
I moved to Israel almost 2 decades ago and throughout the year, things come up that make me miss my childhood.

For example, watching fireworks on July 4. We would have a barbecue because everyone was off from work and then we'd go to the beach to watch the gorgeous fireworks. It's something I miss and my kids would never understand it.

Also, lehavdil, I really miss Purim. Even though we have Purim here, it's very different than how I grew up. We had a community party at night with the most hysterical Purim shpiel, put on by a few men each year. By day, we had a huge seudah with tons of bochurim and it was so much fun and so cheerful.
We have a beautiful Purim here, but since we don't have relatives to celebrate with, we usually have our seudah with a neighbor and it's calmer and quieter than what I grew up with.