Play dates - do you stay?

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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IMO

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 5:10 am

My daughter is 4 years old and has been asking to play with a friend in preschool/gan.
I mentioned it to the mother - who seems lovely but I don’t know her well, just from around the community - and we arranged to call one another to organise a play date one of these days.
My question is: does whoever drops off her kid, stay?
Obviously I would rather not, seeing as we do not know each other well.
I am awkward to ask her if she expects me to stay or not and so I’m wondering what is normal etiquette in this situation?
As an aside, my daughter is fine with me leaving her there herself.
I’m in Israel, if it matters.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 5:43 am

When my daughter had play dates at that age, it never crossed my mind to stay and my daughter also was always fine with me not staying (she preferred it) and Im also in Israel.

Iymnok

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 6:06 am

Stay a little the first time to get a feel for the family.

salt

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 6:18 am

Would never cross my mind to stay. I'd make it short at that age, especially the first time - maximum 1 hr, possibly even less.

abound

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 6:28 am

do not stay, it is socially off to stay. Mom is not interested in entertaining you.

allthingsblue

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 7:22 am

No, not at age 4.

sky

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 7:58 am

Unless the mother is looking to make friends also and was hoping you’d stay for coffee.
Normally not but if you want to you can follow her lead.
I’ve had mothers stay and it was socially off and uncomfortable or I’ve had mothers stay and we’ve become great friends. I guess it depends on the situation.

Simple1

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 8:04 am

Why don't you do the inviting first?

Usually the mother doesn't stay. But socially off? That's a bit harsh. Maybe she's looking to make new friends. Or maybe she's an anxious new mother.

dancingqueen

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 8:39 am

No, unless I am friends with the mother and we want to hang out.

kenz

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 9:06 am

At 4 most kids will be fine being left at a friend’s for a while, and mine were certainly fine being left for more than an hour. But if you think your child won’t, just mention it to the mother and see what she says.
We had a neighbor who was a single mom and she would insist on staying with her daughter when the girl was well over 4 - like 10, 11. We (kids and mothers) couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t just leave her sitting in the living room so I felt like I had to entertain and she would interfere with the kids’ games, etc. THAT was socially off.

DrMom

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 9:19 am

No, the playdate is for my child, not for me.

amother

Lavender

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 9:24 am

usually drop off at this age so if you do not want her to stay take the lead
call and invite the child to you and make the arrangements
"can your child can come home from school with my child on such and such day, and what time would you like to pick her up? such and such time works for me, does that work for you?"
if she indicates she wants to stay and that won't work for you you can say something like "so nice! but that won't work for that day as I'll be busy doing laundry and the like maybe another time this time would work for a drop off...

Ruchel

Thu, Dec 27 2018, 2:51 am

No unless it's a friend of mine

myname1

Thu, Dec 27 2018, 5:46 am

I agree with the above. If it's a pre-arranged play date, just the kid is being invited unless otherwise specified. If it's a friend and her child stopping by for a visit, then both would probably stay unless she's asking if the kid could come. If it's by you, you could ask if she'd like to come in for a coffee or whatever, but I wouldn't think she's expecting that.

As for the awkward single mom mentioned above, sounds like she'd like to get to know some other moms, and she's using it as an excuse, like hanging out with other moms while kids are playing at the park. I do feel bad for her kids though, if it really is her requirement and is making it harder for them to be with friends.

amother

Orange

Thu, Dec 27 2018, 9:31 am

I'm in the US, but I would say that you should not stay. For a first playdate, you might want to come in and chat for 5 minutes and get a look in the house. But not to stay.

The only exception, where I (if I was hosting) would really want a parent to stay the entire time with their 4-year old would be if the child is prone to major behavior issues, beyond those of a regular 4-year old.

Classicookie

Thu, Dec 27 2018, 10:50 am

Depends if it's my friend then somtimes . but my DD loved playdates at that age but did not want me to leave her so I would say play in my house or I need to come with her and take it from there play dates at that age is about an hour maybe an hour in a half .

kenz

Thu, Dec 27 2018, 11:18 pm

myname1 wrote:

No, she was helicoptering to an insane extent. She only had one child and couldn't part from her. She would do this on a school night, when everyone is busy and no one can sit and entertain other moms even if the kids are playing. If it would have been hanging out at the park or even just a home visit on Shabbos afternoon, no one would have minded. It was every day, no matter what - if the kid wanted to play, mom came along.
B"H she has since remarried and moved away, and her daughter is much older now too. I presume she's managing her own social life now. I hope so, anyway!

IMO

Fri, Dec 28 2018, 2:00 am

Thank you so much for all your replies!
Looks like I’ll be getting some quiet afternoon time for myself Wink

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