What not to do at a shiva call

happyone

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 1:52 pm

I can only talk from my own shiva experience. for us, random strangers and people that barely know my first name showed up. we were uncomfortable and really appreciated only those that knew us or the nifter.

amother

Chartreuse

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 1:52 pm

Amelia Bedelia wrote:

I also never agreed with this concept. I think you did the right thing, and I always try to gauge if my visit would be appreciated, whether or not I am close enough to be invited to their simchos. And yes, there were times that in retrospect, I feel I made the wrong call, but I try my best.

I don't think that anyone will ever judge you on that.

I hate making shiva calls. I'm sure that's true of most of us. So I have to convince myself that its something I need to do.

A friend of a friend was recently sitting shiva. Is she someone I would call up on a random Tuesday night? No. Has she ever been to my home? No. But I've had lunch with her more than a dozen times at others' homes, and always chat with her. She would definitely come to sit with me at shul or something like that. I know her kids; she knows mine. So while she probably wouldn't have been angry if I didn't go, it was the right thing to go.

amother

Magenta

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 3:13 pm

happyone wrote:

I'm sorry you went through that experience

I'm wondering though what you meant that random strangers showed up. Do you mean they were literal strangers who had no connection to the niftar or anyone in the family? Or were they people you sort of knew but didn't feel comfortable seeing them at a vulnerable time?

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 3:21 pm

When my mom passed away and my dad was sitting shivah, mom's best friend came in.

She made a beeline for my dad, leaned in, and purred in his ear "I've always thought you were terribly handsome. Would you like to get coffee later?"

My parents were happily married for over 50 years, and this vulture was just waiting for my mom to drop dead so she could make her moves.

My dad was so disgusted he told me later that he wanted to run out of the room and throw up. He never had anything to do with the "friend" and her family after that.

amother

Pearl

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 5:28 pm

Maybe it's just me; I don't know anyone stupid enough to do these kind of things.
I always have a problem when maggidim and rabbanim lecture us about basic human decency, manners and things that my children understood when they were four; basically never talk about someone, how they look etc, etc.
I get insulted by people ooohing and ahhhing about the chofetz chaim pouring out the water from the water carrier's bucket so it wouldn't freeze and undoing the mean trick his friends played on the poor man.
would you not do the same???
does that make him the chofetz chaim??? no.
it just makes him a decent human being.
he was the chofetz chaim for other reasons.
Any person dumb/cruel enough to hurt aveilim with mean comments has no hope.
they are like door knobs and I wouldn't bother.

cbsdbs

Thu, Jan 10 2019, 1:25 am

When I sat shiva for my mother, 2 women called me over to the side and asked me if it was true that my mother wasnt nifter from a different sickness that she had for a long time and never told anyone about. When I said no, that's not true, they tried convincing me that I was lying and I should tell the truth and there's no reason why everyone who is sitting shiva isn't telling the truth and there's no shame in hiding it.

Ruchel

Thu, Jan 10 2019, 5:16 am

amother wrote:

I support slapping a woman in this case

amother

Lawngreen

Thu, Jan 10 2019, 10:12 am

Ruchel wrote:

I support slapping a woman in this case

Agreed. It's like some divorced women think that shiva for someone's wife is the same thing as a speed dating event. Mad

amother

Babyblue

Thu, Jan 10 2019, 10:15 am

A. They didn’t try the natural route? (She had stage four cancer and yes she was drinking carrot juice convinced it’ll cure her. Happy now?)
B. Do you think he will remarry?

amother

Forestgreen

Thu, Jan 10 2019, 10:35 am

cbsdbs wrote:

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!?