S/O Parenting children who are verbally abusive to you

amother

Jade

Fri, Jan 11 2019, 11:54 am

Quote:

runninglate wrote:
How can I sign up for Sara Chana’s daily emails?
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Friends & family sign up at dailyparentingposts.com/sign-up

The emails are fantastic. Both parenting and marriage advice. (You do get some advertising emails once in a while)

Another one from this week “
If you allow your child to verbally abuse you (call you names, insult you, use bad language), you are allowing him to verbally abuse his future spouse and children since, by permitting it, you are helping to wire in a strong behavioral/emotional circuit in his brain that will resurface whenever he feels upset with someone in his life.“

How can I put a stop to this? 8yr old dc, lashes out like this when upset about anyting. Neither dh nor I do this and Ive been ignoring it bec I don't know what else to do.

What advice can you give me to make this stop?

mha3484

Fri, Jan 11 2019, 12:07 pm

My 8 year with a bunch of other issues also is getting more moody. I think part of it is the age and becoming closer to the pre teen years then the baby years the other part is caused by his unique stuff. I can see how he wants to be more independent, have more privacy etc but he does not always know how to express it nicely.

I find that some things that do help are using the methods in the book the explosive child and talk therapy. Hes medicated for ADHD so that plays a part too but I think in the end a lot comes down to teaching him how to communicate calmly as he gets older.

amother

Peach

Fri, Jan 11 2019, 12:08 pm

my 8 dd was being chutzpadik, she would constantly argue and my dh said it was my fault because I let her get away with it. I became super strict. anything I said required an ok mommy. the slightest bit of chutzpa was not tolerated. I told my dd straight out. she's gotten in to bad habits and we need to break them. once we break them I won't have to be so strict. she knew exactly what was going on. if she didn't say ok mommy she would have to answer me all over again, if she stomped she would have to walk again.... I was a drill Sargent and I hated it. I made sure to spent positive time with her as well though like if she was calm I would read to her, in order to fill her love tank. I think I might have done it for around 2 weeks, it was over r"h, yk time so she was home a lot. y"t was dreadful but it worked. she is sooo much more pleasant now.

my dh commented not so long ago "shprintzy" hasn't flipped out recently. when I asked her why she said she realized it wasn't a good idea because it did't work and she didn't like me being so strict.. life is more pleasant now. I only think it worked because my dh and I spend a lot of time with her... we have a relationship with her and she knows we love her, don't know if it would work with every kid.

Sometimes its due to not knowing how to communicate so you will need to roleplay with them. I'll ask her how else can you say wwhat you want to say? does your child know how to label his/her emotions? its ok for a child to say I am feeling really angry at you right now...

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 3:38 am

At a time when you are both calm,discuss with him and offer him appropriate responses to you. Praise him when he manages to do even part of what you discussed. If you must respond during a time when he was chutzpadik, simply label it, "that was chutzpah". Also offer lots of tlc in between! Good luck

amother

Firebrick

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 4:20 am

I work in foster care, these aren't my kids but they come from aweful families where even from a young age they get called aweful things and foul language is just part of then when they arrive. After a few months of living with us they use foul language very rarely. We are strict about it... Pocket money and dessert depend on good behaviour, same as being allowed to play with friends or eating lunch or dinner with everyone at the table. I myself am always surprised at how well it works but somehow it does.
If it was my child calling me names I'd strip him/her of a few privileges and explain to him that if he expects to be treated respectfully he needs to do the same.