Can you pinpoint the answer to this?

amother

Puce

Fri, Jan 18 2019, 8:45 am

Dh has a friend who is not religious. Dh has known him along time. He told dh that he loves and cares deeply about his wife and family, but he would have no problem being intimate with another woman. Dh responded to him that part of what makes the husband/wife relationship special, is the exclusivity. That they are only intimate with each other. His friend responded, why is exclusivity important in a marital relationship? I would eat and enjoy food cooked by another woman. I would go to a comedy show and laugh at the jokes from another woman. I would attend a lecture and benefit from the knowledge of another woman. Why with regard to intimacy is there this necessity to be exclusive?
What is a good answer to this?

amother

Maroon

Fri, Jan 18 2019, 8:52 am

He thinks eating another woman’s food is the same thing as being intimate with another woman??

Intimacy is inherently, well, intimate. It is a special relationship that the Torah considers holy, and not just animalistic. But it has to follow the right guidelines. I guess this would be hard to explain to someone who is not religious. We have guidelines for what we can eat, too.

I’m also having trouble pinpointing exactly what to respond to him. But I think it says something that most upstanding people in the secular world do not condone cheating. Intimacy, by most people, is meant to be exclusive. I think when you lose the exclusivity, it loses its specialness. And then it’s just a dirty physical act.

amother

Yellow

Fri, Jan 18 2019, 12:05 pm

I dont have an answer but part of being married means u are committed to each other such that its almost like a promise that he is only for her and she is only for him..such that its like a promise that he will only be intimate with her and vice versa...

But, does he really love his wife and care about her deeply if he thinks its ok to break the "promise of marriage" by being intimate with another woman?? He would be violating his contract of marriage....and she would feel unloved and would feel that he doesn't care to her so much if he's ok with breaking the understanding that a marriage is a commitment of exclusivity...

if he's ok with it and loves"" his wife, then let him ask her wat she thinks(obviously he wont do this)...most women wouldn't want to get married to a man who says that hell also be intimate with others bec that's like having two wives or more(most women want the exclusivity which is really part of the definition of marriage.

If he's okay with being intimate with another woman, its like he wants an open marriage or many wives which most ppl or women dont want...

amother

Slateblue

Fri, Jan 18 2019, 12:13 pm

A lot of people think that monogamy is biologically unnatural, and a product of a society which values patriarchy and bloodlines and exclusive rights to a child.

It’s a valid argument, even if you don’t agree with it.

Cheiny

Fri, Jan 18 2019, 2:52 pm

amother wrote:

If he’s not frum, he doesn’t have the Torah to follow, and like some non Jews, some have the attitude of “do whatever makes you feel good, you only live once.” One would have hoped though that for moral reasons alone, any person, religious or not, would have enough integrity to stand by their marriage vows....unfortunately some don’t. I don’t know that there’s any way to change his mind, if he do sent understand this on his own,

amother

Aquamarine

Fri, Jan 18 2019, 3:16 pm

Cheiny wrote:

ALL Jews have the Torah to follow.

And that same Torah allowed for polygamy - until the takana was made.

PinkFridge

Sat, Jan 19 2019, 9:36 pm

amother wrote:

ALL Jews have the Torah to follow.

And that same Torah allowed for polygamy - until the takana was made.

Yeah, and when it worked, it was ok. But it was a real avoda for the man to make both women feel loved and to care for them.

daagahminayin

Sat, Jan 19 2019, 11:12 pm

amother wrote:

His friend responded, why is exclusivity important in a marital relationship? I would eat and enjoy food cooked by another woman. I would go to a comedy show and laugh at the jokes from another woman. I would attend a lecture and benefit from the knowledge of another woman. Why with regard to intimacy is there this necessity to be exclusive?

These examples are all about ways you would enjoy receiving things from another woman, and no doubt you would enjoy receiving from them intimately as well.

But what about how you give of yourself to a woman, to your wife? The exquisite joy of an exclusive relationship is that you give your whole self to one other person who receives you willingly. You don’t share yourself between many people, you pick ONE to love, to cherish, to reveal your secrets to, to share your bodies and build your memories with. And what you have together lives in your shared consciousness and in the space between you both, and no one else can touch it.

That’s what it’s all about.

WhatFor

Sat, Jan 19 2019, 11:38 pm

I find with certain things it's easier to say, "it's something that I require in a relationship." That's what it boils down to anyway, isn't it? If he's not religious, then the religious argument won't work. Like you can say you prefer to be in a relationship with someone who will prioritize you above everyone else. That ups the intimacy factor, no? And the more people involved, the more you have to split your priorities. All I know is that I prefer to be at the top of someone's list. If someone else isn't religious and wants to share their partner with others, I know that's not halachically allowed but it's not for me to tell them what they need in a relationship. Let them do what works for them, I'll do me.

Bliss

Sun, Jan 20 2019, 3:00 am

I haven't seen in the OP any mention of forming a relationship with another woman or prioritizing like the post above me said. He's basically thinking of getting something only for himself here. To me it smells like he's not happy in his intimate life.