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Twins with other young children- how to plan



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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Mon, Jan 21 2019, 10:28 pm
Expecting twins. Have the wonderful blessing of a bunch of other young, demanding children who love and thrive on mommy's attention and time. I am trying to figure out what logistical things I should plan for as to make sure I can give everyone (including me!) what they need. I realize I need help, but not great at getting it, so it is making me a bit nervous. Husband is great but busy working much of the time.

Here is my plan/concerns:

Baby nurse at the beginning until I recover from birth. Concern: I am worried about the legitimacy and safety of these nurses and if I am planning to breastfeed, is it really helpful?

After baby nurse-
Try to swing live in help for the first few months: I will sleep with the babies and care for them at night, and then try to sleep during morning while live-in cares for babies and the other kids are in school. Live-in will help with babies when other kids come home so that I can pay attention to other kids. Concern:I am nervous to leave kids/babies with outside help. I cant afford the really expensive, premium agencies so I think I have to plan on getting a foreigner on a temp visa. Will they really be helpful or will I be anxious from them taking care of my babies the whole time? I am not good at delegating and telling people what to do. Will I just crave my own space post-partum?

Any other ideas or insights that you wise ladies may have that can help me plan?
Thanks so much for all your ideas
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 21 2019, 10:43 pm
In the immortal words of Mr. Ed, "It's been a lo-o-o-ng time since I was a pony!" My kids are 25, 24, 23, 23, and 19.

But you've got the basics: help, help, and more help.

During the first few months, I found having someone at night to be the most helpful. I went back to work when my twins were about 3 weeks old, so I really, really lived for those nights when I had help.

One development that I've noticed: quite a few post-sem girls who are in college or some other kind of school have started doing overnight care for multiples. That might make you feel a little more comfortable.

Also, if your husband can watch the twins while you do baths, stories, and bedtime with the older kids, that will go a long way toward alleviating any feelings of abandonment. If he works late or isn't always available, consider having high school girls fill in, either as part of their chesed requirement or for pay.

Don't be a martyr, and while it's easy for me to say, "Don't worry about the money," -- don't. Take advantage of whatever resources are in your community to get the help you need. Borrow money, talk to your rav about finding some people to chip in, ask your parents for money . . . whatever you need to do. In other words, don't be too proud to ask for or accept help.

B'shaah tovah! You'll get so much nachas from seeing your kids grow up together, and while there will be plenty of fighting, their closeness will make up for it.

I was recently at my DD's apartment, and she was video chatting with her twin, who is in Yerushalayim while her DH learns for a few years. Apparently they make Shabbos "together" every week, their phones propped on their kitchen counters as they cook. Seeing that made all those sleepless nights (I have virtually no memory of the mid-to-late 90s) worthwhile!
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butterfly2




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 21 2019, 10:53 pm
Take more help than you can afford, it’s cheaper than a psychiatrist.
I have a jamaican and she’s amazing!
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Mon, Jan 21 2019, 10:55 pm
My main advice is:

1) Gam Zeh Yaavor. However hard it will be (and it will be hard at times) it will pass. Things will get easier. Don't project the future. Babies also go through phases - maybe the 3-6 month phase will be the easiest, maybe once they turn 1.

2) Take lots of pictures! You won't remember a lot of it, because having twins often means going into survival mode. But they are adorable and delicious and it is so much fun to look back at the pictures.

3) One at a time. This is hard at first, but stop expecting yourself to always take care of both babies at the same time. They took turns to be born, and will also need to take turns to be fed, changed, and held. They will be JUST FINE. The advantages of having a twin vastly outweigh the times when you can't take care of them promptly.

4) Don't worry! Things will fall into place. You can deal with the challenges as they come. Not every issue that someone else had will be your experience. I learned to tandem nurse early on, and aside for during growth spurts I even managed to get work done at home.

5) Sleep! You need it. Make it a priority - even over dishes, laundry, phone conversations, etc. Trust me, you will be MUCH more productive if you get enough sleep.

I didn't know I was having twins, and when they were born I worried how my older kids would react to TWO babies stealing their attention. Turns out they were thrilled! Things can and will be great, and I would LOVE to have another set of twins.

Besha'ah tova!
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Israeli_C




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 22 2019, 12:11 am
I'm going through a similar situation- 6 week old twins, 1.5 year old toddler and a 3 year old. All together one big happy family...! I didn't get a nurse because I didn't feel comfortable having another woman in my house (for privacy reasons and it made my husband uncomfortable). Something that really helped me was that after a hard night (which, BH, is getting more rare since I started formula feeding) a woman from my community would pop by from 10am for 2 hours to let me sleep while my 2 older kids were still in maon/gan. That 2 hours of sleep (straight to bed! sometimes eating a bit beforehand) was a lifesaver. I don't have much advice because I'm still working on this myself, but also it's important to stay positive. People who met me would give me a pitying look and ask how I was. I've learned to smile and think of their cute little faces and say a true "Baruch Hashem!" rather than starting to complain that it's hard. Make sure you've all the equipment in advance- it's a mistake I made. I didn't even assemble beds or have bottles before they were born. Be prepared- physically it's hard to go shopping and you'll want DH at home with you. Don't be afraid- it's intimidating the first time you're 'alone with everyone'. Get a good stroller. A twin has started crying so I've over and out-- good luck!!

EDIT after feeding! My 1.5 year old started acting out after the twins were born. He's still waking multiple times at night (sometimes more than the babies). I really think it's because before when I was pregnant we were always together and then suddenly strangers were collecting him from the maon, lifting him, bringing him home for a few hours... use outside help, but use it wisely (depending on the age of your youngest). The babies don't notice the difference of who's holding the bottle or burping them - but older kids will ('older' lol he's still a baby himself). Yesterday I took him for falafal and to the park for 2 hours and have vowed to be the only one to collect him from the maon. I'd rather use the time to sleep, but he needs me more. I think he's also in shock that suddenly he's in a house full of women (from on sister to 3 over night, poor guy!). My parents are here for a month (which has it's own issues because they're not Jewish, but I'm not going to hijack the thread with that issue...!) and it's helped enormously. But this is just a sidenote to say- the older ones need you more. If you can offload the twins, do it. And use the time for the older ones.
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Israeli_C




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 22 2019, 1:04 am
butterfly2 wrote:
Take more help than you can afford, it’s cheaper than a psychiatrist.
I have a jamaican and she’s amazing!


She'll need to have more than One Love for these two Very Happy
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 22 2019, 1:09 am
There are org or schools who send girls as chesed to help out with twins.
Apply to an agency to get an aide to help you during day or night. ( Medicaid or Insurance pay for them)
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amother
Lavender


 

Post Thu, Feb 14 2019, 6:48 am
Israeli_C wrote:
I'm going through a similar situation- 6 week old twins, 1.5 year old toddler and a 3 year old. All together one big happy family...! I didn't get a nurse because I didn't feel comfortable having another woman in my house (for privacy reasons and it made my husband uncomfortable). Something that really helped me was that after a hard night (which, BH, is getting more rare since I started formula feeding) a woman from my community would pop by from 10am for 2 hours to let me sleep while my 2 older kids were still in maon/gan. That 2 hours of sleep (straight to bed! sometimes eating a bit beforehand) was a lifesaver. I don't have much advice because I'm still working on this myself, but also it's important to stay positive. People who met me would give me a pitying look and ask how I was. I've learned to smile and think of their cute little faces and say a true "Baruch Hashem!" rather than starting to complain that it's hard. Make sure you've all the equipment in advance- it's a mistake I made. I didn't even assemble beds or have bottles before they were born. Be prepared- physically it's hard to go shopping and you'll want DH at home with you. Don't be afraid- it's intimidating the first time you're 'alone with everyone'. Get a good stroller. A twin has started crying so I've over and out-- good luck!!

EDIT after feeding! My 1.5 year old started acting out after the twins were born. He's still waking multiple times at night (sometimes more than the babies). I really think it's because before when I was pregnant we were always together and then suddenly strangers were collecting him from the maon, lifting him, bringing him home for a few hours... use outside help, but use it wisely (depending on the age of your youngest). The babies don't notice the difference of who's holding the bottle or burping them - but older kids will ('older' lol he's still a baby himself). Yesterday I took him for falafal and to the park for 2 hours and have vowed to be the only one to collect him from the maon. I'd rather use the time to sleep, but he needs me more. I think he's also in shock that suddenly he's in a house full of women (from on sister to 3 over night, poor guy!). My parents are here for a month (which has it's own issues because they're not Jewish, but I'm not going to hijack the thread with that issue...!) and it's helped enormously. But this is just a sidenote to say- the older ones need you more. If you can offload the twins, do it. And use the time for the older ones.


You sound amazing!!! Mazel tov enjoy and much nachas!
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