Help - I am becoming verbally abusive

amother

Wheat

Thu, Jan 31 2019, 12:08 pm

My mother was a "yeller" or what today would just be called mildly verbally abusive. She had no patience for kids. I well remember the feelings of tension and tiptoeing around her. She's way better now that everyone is grown/teens but man she did not do well with babies in the house. (she still doesn't know how to interact with her grandchildren but at least there's no more yelling bc she's not the one raising them)

I tried very hard to parent differently. I have one 2y old. I express physical and verbal affection, I cosleep, I parent respectfully, I provide a lot of independence. But my kid just turned 2 and overnight entered the pushing boundaries phase. In the past two days I have said NO more than I have ever said, I have yelled, I have said "stop!" I have even said "go away" more than once which made the poor kid burst into tears.

The thing is its not in a vacuum. I am stuck in a very unproductive and unfulfilling job, I am in a bad mood most of the time, my husband has been Mia dealing with a work crisis the past two weeks. I have no patience. I also this morning (after asking my husband three times to help get us out the door - in his defense he had woken up at 6:30 and let me sleep in) started screaming at the baby just to get his attention. I might have said a few real curse words. It wasn't even for my kids sake - it was so my husband would take me seriously bc if I just say "can you help me" he doesn't get that I am this close to snapping until I actually do.

I know it's wrong, I know it's not OK, I have been reading parenting books all my life and have a degree in education, I know all the science and techniques. I just can't stop myself when I'm frustrated or not in the mood. Help.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jan 31 2019, 12:18 pm

Have you ever considered that you might have ADD? I find that when I'm trying to get something done, and I get interrupted by non emergency things, I can really lose it. It's so stressful for me to get pulled away from my task, it's literally painful.

How are your nerves in general? You sound really frazzled right now. Try taking Magnesium supplements, and drinking passiflora tea instead of coffee. Even decaf coffee can make you jumpy and cranky if you're already stressed out.

If you have to, hold your breath and count to 3 before you yell. Try bending down and speaking very quietly instead of yelling. If you do yell, calm down and apologize. Explain to your child that mommy was wrong for yelling, and that you want to be a happy mommy.

Remember that boundary pushing means that your child is developing in a normal and healthy way, and praise Hashem that your child is doing well.

Daven, daven, daven! I don't mean from a siddur, I mean just have an every day conversation with Hashem. Tell Him how much you want shalom in your life, and patience and wisdom to be the best mom and wife you possibly can. Tell Hashem all the things that are driving you crazy. He's listening. Hug

aliavi

Thu, Jan 31 2019, 12:25 pm

If your expectation was that you would never "loose it" or never "snap" you didn't expect to be a human mother. You are not your mother and you are not turning into her. Move forward and try to be more self aware, doing what you can to reduce stress and increase fulfillment in both the long and short term. Be sure to apologize to your DC and to your DH.

oneofakind

Thu, Jan 31 2019, 12:36 pm

The first place to start is with yourself. Do what it takes to take care of yourself. When you are emotionally "full" you can start giving to others. You may need to get reparenting to undo your own childhood.
Is it possible that your husband got used to you "loudly" expressing your needs so if you do it softly he learnt not to take it seriously. You can "retrain" him. Express your needs softly but persistently. He'll eventually get the message so that when you are loud, he'll know it's a real emergency.
With your child, maybe you want to make it a positive message, "Feet on the floor" "Use words" etc. which is more effective than no, no, no, a whole day.