Shame-free way to address 3yo touching herself?

amother

Sienna

Sat, Feb 02 2019, 9:30 pm

I've been avoiding the topic, but I feel like I really should address it with my daughter. I know it's normal and feels pleasurable for her. I don't want her to have any negative associations, but how do I gently get her to stop touching herself?

How would you go about it?

causemommysaid

Sat, Feb 02 2019, 9:39 pm

Best way to deal with it is to not say anything. If she does it in public, say something mild like that's something we don't do in front of people.

amother

Aubergine

Sun, Feb 03 2019, 1:39 am

Parameters for us are that areas kept covered with clothing aren’t touched. Take your hands out of your underwear and let’s go wash would be my approach.

I wouldn’t allow in public or at home.

amother

Emerald

Sun, Feb 03 2019, 2:28 am

I have a child who has been doing this for years. When she was little and had no concept of why this felt good, we literally left it alone. As she got older, I talked to her that this is not something we do in front of people and if she wanted to she could do this only in her room. I am sure she is still doing this, and she is not so young anymore, but she knows now that this is something she can do, only in her room because otherwise its just not tznius.
But I never told her not to do it, I didnt want her to feel shame from her body, ever.

Rappel

Sun, Feb 03 2019, 2:44 am

I would tell her that people touch areas covered by clothing when in private - alone in her room, or in the bathroom - and that they wash their hands when they're done.

I wouldn't use language like "*shock* that's not tzanua!!" or similar unclear statements. Children of that age are extremely sensitive to criticism, so your statement of boundaries should be very precise, and friendly/informational.

heidi

Sun, Feb 03 2019, 2:47 am

amother wrote:

Parameters for us are that areas kept covered with clothing aren’t touched. Take your hands out of your underwear and let’s go wash would be my approach.

I wouldn’t allow in public or at home.

Great way to make her ashamed and scared of her body. And then you'll wonder why she is unable to relax and enjoy with her husband.
It is normal to feel pleasure from touching our geni#tals. That's how the human race perpetuates.
OP, I would explain to my child that that area is private property and therefore ok to touch only in private ie: the bathroom or in her bedroom.
If she seems to be obsessively touching and unable to control where and when I would explore with her why that is.

amother

Rose

Sun, Feb 03 2019, 8:15 am

For all those who say to tell her to do it in her bedroom, in private, what if there is another (younger) child who sleeps/plays in the bedroom with her?

Ruchel

Sun, Feb 03 2019, 8:51 am

kids discover themselves without ^parents encouraging it by telling where to touch themselves, it's actually creepy to me to say do it in your room

I go wuth aubergine

sorry nak here

amother

Aubergine

Sun, Feb 03 2019, 10:41 am

heidi wrote:

I didn’t shame in the least bit. I wasn’t upset or angry or anything else negative and I didn’t deliver it that way. Shame was not the reaction. It was no different than any other behavior I want to curb. Sure DD wants to hit when being hit by a younger child, but that doesn’t mean if I attempt to stop it I’m damaging her.

I am very comfortable zexually and have always been. My parents didn’t encourage or permit self fondling.

oneofakind

Sun, Feb 03 2019, 2:50 pm

I wouldn't make up stories ie infection/hurt. Make sure her skin isn't irritated because 3 year olds don't wipe themselves well and bathing in a tub is literally sitting in dirty water. I would also keep her hands very busy. Lots of opportunities for messy fun- play dough, paint, mud, silly putty etc.