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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
WWYD? 10y/o DS brought VS catalog to school



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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Sun, Feb 17 2019, 10:52 am
Help!
DS is a challenging kid, ADHD, maybe anxiety (we're getting another eval now). This morning I caught him with a card from Victoria's Secret in his backpack as he was getting ready to leave (not a full catalog, one of those coupon cards you get in the mail). He must have taken it out of the garbage (he took something else that I accidentally threw out yesterday). He tried pretending that he didn't have anything, folded it up and stuffed it in the garbage when DH wanted to know what he had in there. Got extremely defensive.

Now he goes to a very RW school, he could've gotten kicked out over that. We told him that (yes, stayed calm the whole time even while he worked himself up). But we also stressed to him that we are upset that he tried to hide it from us and wasn't truthful, more than that he had it in the first place. We made it clear that we are disappointed that we can't trust him, because he obviously knew he was doing something inappropriate and then flat-out lied to us.

For now I sent him to school and told him that he is grounded until he can be truthful with us about why he was bringing it to school (he says he "doesn't know" why he packed it up). He says that no other boys have done it (so either he's lying about that too or he's the bad influence Crying )

Please help me. I'm out of my depth here. What should I do when he comes home?
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 17 2019, 11:46 am
10 is old enough to be able to write you a letter.

Ask him to explain to you why he thought what he did was a good idea. Ask him to explain why he thought it was OK not to tell the truth.

Now here's the important part: Ask him what HE thinks the consequence should be. This will be extremely interesting, to say the least.

I love the book "Parenting Teens With Love and Logic". Get it, it will save your sanity, especially if you have very smart kids.
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ellacoe




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 17 2019, 12:03 pm
Excellent advice from FF above.

I would also suggest to try and keep the two infractions, separate, the not being truthful and the poor judgement in bringing the item to school. They are two separate things, explain to him about trust and honesty etc and why it is so important.

And perhaps discuss with him what his thought process was in bringing that to school, let him explain and think through the consequences if he had been caught with it. Don't start by spelling it out with him, but rather let him talk through it and get to the end on his own (if possible).

He shouldn't link the two, but rather see them as two separate things. You were upset that he wasn't truthful. (If he understands this on its own and apart from the poor judgement etc. He will learn to understand the value of trust etc.)

And you were confused by his lack of judgement, but not angry at him.

It sounds like you and your DH both stayed calm. Continue to do so and approach him from a place of caring and curiosity, not anger and judgement Smile
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amother
Firebrick


 

Post Sun, Feb 17 2019, 12:06 pm
good advice

also...id unsubscribe to VS and the like and keep it out of the house
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 17 2019, 12:11 pm
amother wrote:
good advice

also...id unsubscribe to VS and the like and keep it out of the house

Agree that you're sort of sending mixed messages here.

If you get this catalog in your home, then why do you think your son thinks it's a problem to take it to school?
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Sun, Feb 17 2019, 12:19 pm
DrMom wrote:
Agree that you're sort of sending mixed messages here.

If you get this catalog in your home, then why do you think your son thinks it's a problem to take it to school?


I once purchased an item from them and ended up on their mailing list. It took multiple phone calls to get off their list. In the meantime, I received a few more catalogs. I had a shared mailbox and was quite embarrassed embarrassed

If her DS found this in the trash, I assume OP didn't purposely have this catalog laying around her house.
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amother
Burlywood


 

Post Sun, Feb 17 2019, 12:26 pm
DrMom wrote:
Agree that you're sort of sending mixed messages here.

If you get this catalog in your home, then why do you think your son thinks it's a problem to take it to school?


Your logic is sound for a 3 year old but not for a 10 year old.
A 10 year old knows the difference between a Mom ordering (or not) a bra from a catalog and bringing in pictures of half naked women to show around to the boys.
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amother
Gray


 

Post Sun, Feb 17 2019, 12:45 pm
amother wrote:
I once purchased an item from them and ended up on their mailing list. It took multiple phone calls to get off their list. In the meantime, I received a few more catalogs. I had a shared mailbox and was quite embarrassed embarrassed

If her DS found this in the trash, I assume OP didn't purposely have this catalog laying around her house.


Same.
Took me many months, emails, calls, to get them to stop.
No shared mailbox but teens living at home.
I was obsessed with checking the mail.
Took me a few years to get over and stop rushing to look what was thrown in by the mailman.
That taught me a lesson about where not to shop.
Wishing you luck op.
Raising kids is so hard.
Sounds like you’re staying calm and thinking things through and that’s the main thing.
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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Sun, Feb 17 2019, 1:19 pm
Thanks everyone. FF I will try your sage advice!

And it wasn’t a catalog really, just one of those cards notifying me of a sale or a coupon or something. With naked ladies Can't Believe It I used to buy my underwear from VS (now I don’t like them anymore) and haven’t been able to shake the odd card or two from them!
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amother
Tangerine


 

Post Sun, Feb 17 2019, 3:00 pm
If you write on the card, "No longer lives here, return to sender," hopefully after getting a couple mailings returned to them, they'll take you offer their list.
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Cheiny




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 17 2019, 3:13 pm
amother wrote:
Help!
DS is a challenging kid, ADHD, maybe anxiety (we're getting another eval now). This morning I caught him with a card from Victoria's Secret in his backpack as he was getting ready to leave (not a full catalog, one of those coupon cards you get in the mail). He must have taken it out of the garbage (he took something else that I accidentally threw out yesterday). He tried pretending that he didn't have anything, folded it up and stuffed it in the garbage when DH wanted to know what he had in there. Got extremely defensive.

Now he goes to a very RW school, he could've gotten kicked out over that. We told him that (yes, stayed calm the whole time even while he worked himself up). But we also stressed to him that we are upset that he tried to hide it from us and wasn't truthful, more than that he had it in the first place. We made it clear that we are disappointed that we can't trust him, because he obviously knew he was doing something inappropriate and then flat-out lied to us.

For now I sent him to school and told him that he is grounded until he can be truthful with us about why he was bringing it to school (he says he "doesn't know" why he packed it up). He says that no other boys have done it (so either he's lying about that too or he's the bad influence Crying )

Please help me. I'm out of my depth here. What should I do when he comes home?


Why would you punish him? If it was in your home, and you left it somewhere that was accessible to him (obviously), how was he to know better? You’re the one who was irresponsible with leaving it wherever he could get it, and he’s not the one who’s wrong here.
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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Sun, Feb 17 2019, 3:55 pm
Cheiny wrote:
Why would you punish him? If it was in your home, and you left it somewhere that was accessible to him (obviously), how was he to know better? You’re the one who was irresponsible with leaving it wherever he could get it, and he’s not the one who’s wrong here.


Wow. That's helpful. Not.

Had you read my post and the thread a little more carefully, you'd see that I'm not exactly bringing it into my home on purpose. I didn't leave it out. It was in the friggin garbage can! What should I have done, burned it? And obviously he knows better because he tried to hide it from us, so he knew it was wrong. And I believe that a 10-year-old can take some responsibility for his own poor judgment.
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cookiecutter




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 17 2019, 6:56 pm
If he pulled it out of the garbage and was going to take it to school, it's because he was intrigued by it and wanted to share it with his friends. That seems like an important step OP and everyone else slipped right past in trying to figure out if he is the "bad" kid and how to punish him.

Have you ever spoken to him about zexuality and explained in terms he can understand what is and is not appropriate behavior? How is he supposed to learn to deal with it in a healthy manner if nobody explains anything to him and he just gets punished whenever something happens to raise the topic?
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 17 2019, 7:22 pm
I don't have any experience with ADHD kids, so my advice may be worthless. Discard anything I say that doesn't match the reality.

If you're like most people, it's impossible to adequately filter your mail. I've received quilting catalogs and magazines that had inappropriate pictures or articles. The kinds of stuff that is perfectly family-friendly to many people doesn't always reflect even the loosest Jewish standards.

So I would start with a simple discussion that he is to take nothing from home to "share" without your permission. Explain that not everything received in the mail is appropriate; that's why you throw it out. And even some things that are appropriate at home are not appropriate at school. Then explain that it is your job to help him learn the difference between things that can be shared at school and things that shouldn't be.

The element of lying about the item is probably because he doesn't really know himself why he took it. He probably knew it was salacious, but he may not have considered it beyond that. As CookieCutter suggests, it may be an opportunity to start a discussion of s-xual matters with him, but his interest may not be that specific. He may simply have perceived it was "naughty," and therefore of potential interest.

If I had to guess, I'd say that he is perhaps looking for ways to get attention from classmates, and sharing something they'd find intriguing or titillating is his primary goal. So more than a discussion of s-x, he probably needs ongoing coaching on how to make and maintain friends.

Finally, I'd alert the school pre-emptively in a calm manner. They obviously know that he's being evaluated for various conditions/issues, so this isn't coming out of left field. Simply tell his rebbe/principal/teacher/menahel about the situation in general terms and ask their cooperation should it happen again. Explain that you're monitoring the situation, but need their help in making sure he attempts to get attention in positive ways.

While upsetting, this isn't a show-stopper. It's actually the kind of thing many kids do to one degree or another. The key is recognizing the intent behind it and directing the desire for attention in better directions.
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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Sun, Feb 17 2019, 7:42 pm
Thanks cookiecutter and Fox for your wise words. DH was going to have “the talk” with him soon, guess it’ll be sooner than we expected.
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amother
Lilac


 

Post Sun, Feb 17 2019, 9:29 pm
I believe the point OP is trying to get at is (regardless of the content of the item taken), this child has taken something from the house which he knows is not allowed/appropriate (cheating), and lying about fact that he took without permission.
I too have a son with ADHD, who keeps taking stuff to school without permission. We've had many conversations about not cheating and lying and he still does it. I need to check his pockets before he goes to Yeshiva daily.
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happyness




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 17 2019, 9:33 pm
Cheiny wrote:
Why would you punish him? If it was in your home, and you left it somewhere that was accessible to him (obviously), how was he to know better? You’re the one who was irresponsible with leaving it wherever he could get it, and he’s not the one who’s wrong here.


I really think you should think before you post. Your posts come off as very offensive, and often insulting or adding fuel to the fire. can't imagine OP came here for that
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