Out of area shabbos simcha accomodations

amother

Ivory

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 6:31 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

I have a relative that has 10 kids. Each of their 10 kids has k"ah 10 or more. That's 100 nieces and nephews who are manu married by now. By now there are about 50 great grandkids as well. It becomes impossible to accommodate that many couples and people for a simple Shabbos Sheva Brachos or Bar Mitzvah. After the family grew considerably it was agreed upon that there will be a no kids rule. In these families there is Ka"h usually a chasuna, aufruf, Sheva brochos, bris, or Bar Mitzvah etc on a weekly basis.

What does everyone do with their kids for Shabbos?

amother

Violet

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 6:32 pm

amother wrote:

It's a mix of both, no place for my kids to go and no accommodations for us. Both are equally an issue for us.
So for ppl who don't invite the siblings children then are you insulted if they miss your simcha? And where do the kids stay?

ETA and what about eruv issues if you do bring the baby?

I understand. What I'm saying is, if you can't figure out child care for your kids, the accommodations for you is a moot point. If you can arrange child care, let the Baal simcha know that you have done so, and ask explicitly for help in arranging your own accommodations.

I will add that not every community is set up in a way that people can host other families for a shabbos simcha. Sometimes the only accommodations available will cost money, and that's not something the baal simcha is required to cover. Of course if they really want people to come they should make some sort of gesture such as offering to pay a portion of accommodations. And don't get angry if people can't afford it.

amother

Olive

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 6:34 pm

pesek zman wrote:

I get it. My aunt has 10 kids. I just think it’s odd. If there’s (always) the no kid rule than when do all the cousins get to see each other?

Chanuka parties, chol hamoed trips or get togethers, weddings...

If all of my first cousins would have been by my shabbos sheva brachos there could have easily been 200 people there. No way my parents could have afforded to make an as it is expensive shabbos simcha for that size crowd (Especially a few days after my wedding!). If someone can afford it and is renting a simcha hall already then I think they would.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 6:44 pm

Amother Ivory, once one has older teens they can stsy home for shabbos and care for the little ones. Same with those who marrieds, the marrieds can babysit.

thunderstorm

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 6:49 pm

amother wrote:

What does everyone do with their kids for Shabbos?

Either relatives from their spouses side. Sometimes neighbors and sometimes friends. Or else they didn't go. Also the difference is they all live in the same city (at least the the married kids and their kids) the next generation are more scattered about and can't always join in the simchos. Since the simchos were mostly local and walking distance many hired teenage babysitters to babysit in their homes on Shabbos and they walked to the simcha. (There wasn't any Eruv so even living locally nobody could bring babies)

flowerpower

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 6:49 pm

amother wrote:

In our neighborhood the baal simcha places all out of area guest.
It's very common to invite couples only. Somehow everyone manages to place their kids. I ask my kids classmates if they can have my kids.

This. My sister is making a simcha soon. She had to find 12 basements for her guests. Kids are usually not invited. Somehow it works out.

SingALong

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 6:50 pm

With a lot of family out of town making simchas I don’t always make it and that’s life. One example My cousin got married I went to the wedding and my grandmother’s sheva brachos. My aunt wanted me to come for shabbos but I had a toddler and nowhere to leave her. I celebrated by the parts of the simcha that I can attend. Sometimes ppl invite but don’t provide a place to stay so I skip it, or try to find my own. Sometime ppl invite and offer to put me up, but I can’t find who to stay with my kids so I thank them and skip. That’s life. I’ve missed about 3/4 of the simchas I’m invited to since I have kids. I do try to go when I can, and take each simcha as it comes

tichellady

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 7:00 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

That’s fine but still weird to me to expect people to be able to find accommodations for their kids. There shouldn’t be resentment if people can’t make it

amother

Ivory

Wed, Feb 27 2019, 7:21 pm

amother wrote:

Exactly, don't be resentful or angry if we cannot.

Are they resentful because they have an idea of what you could be doing with your kids and where you could be staying and they are upset that you are not doing that, or are they just extremely unreasonable?

For example, if the grandparents from the other side live nearby and could easily have the kids for Shabbos and you have a few close friends who live in the neighborhood where the simcha is, I could see the ba'alei simcha hoping you would make these arrangements and come (though I still think they would be unreasonable to be upset if you couldn't or chose not to pull this off). But if you actually don't have anywhere to leave your kids and you actually don't know anyone in the neighborhood where the simcha is to be able to find a place to stay, what is their possible justification for resenting your not coming? Are they just really unreasonable people?

imasoftov

Thu, Feb 28 2019, 9:49 am

amother wrote:

When a sibling makes a shabbos simcha and you don't live nearby, who is supposed to find accommodations? You or the baal simcha?

Vayikra Rabba 37:4 tells how Yiftach did not go to Pinchas to annul his vow because he said "I am the king, why should I go to him?", and Pinchas did not go to Yiftach because he said "I am the Kohen Gadol, son of another Kohen Gadol, and I should go to this ignoramus?", between the two of them his unfortunate daughter met her fate and they were both responsible.

הָיָה יָכוֹל לְהָפֵר אֶת נִדְּרוֹ וְלֵילֵךְ אֵצֶל פִּנְחָס, אָמַר אֲנִי מֶלֶךְ וְאֵלֵךְ אֵצֶל פִּנְחָס, וּפִנְחָס אָמַר אֲנִי כֹּהֵן גָּדוֹל וּבֶן כֹּהֵן גָּדוֹל וְאֵלֵךְ אֵצֶל עַם הָאָרֶץ זֶה. בֵּין דֵּין לְדֵין נִסְפַּת הַהִיא עֲלוּבְתָּא וּשְׁנֵיהֶם נִתְחַיְּבוּ בְּדָמֶיהָ

essie14

Thu, Feb 28 2019, 10:46 am

Every time I have been invited to a simcha over Shabbat, I was told that accommodations will be provided. Sometimes they will say "for you and your x number of children" and sometimes just for me, DH and baby. But I can't remember being invited to a simcha and not having accommodations made for me.
Sometimes I know people in the area and will make my own arrangements because it's more comfortable not to stay at strangers.