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Hanging out with coworkers outside of work



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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Thu, Feb 28 2019, 11:40 pm
I am feeling really torn. I’m a nurse and I work night shift. I have a very friendly relationship with the nurses I work with, none of them are Jewish. We’re all about the same age, mid to late twenties, although I’m the only one married with children. Because most of the patients are sleeping during my shift, I spend a lot of time with my coworkers. I would call them friends, honestly, because we talk about anything and everything. I don’t have a huge social life outside of work, and with my introverted nature, my social needs are kind of filled by the forty hours a week I spend socializing with patients and families and my coworkers. I would love to have more meaningful relationships with ladies in the community, but it is so hard to make the time to cultivate that when it requires so much energy for me.
Anyways, the nurses wanted to have a get together outside of work and meet at a trendy bowling place, get food, and hang out. Initially, I was excited to go. It would be fun, just like it is at work. I could just get a soda and not feel out of place. But a little part of me didn’t feel right about it, like maybe I shouldn’t be hanging out with people who don’t have the same hashkafa as me. Like it’s one thing to be together at work and make it an enjoyable experience, but it’s another to choose to go into their world. I am struggling with this, like what would Hashem want from me? I don’t maintain strict boundaries at work, but I don’t socially text coworkers and never would have hung out outside of work before this planned outing. I ended up choosing not to go, but I wanted to know if maybe I’m being crazy for having hesitations about going, and that I’m feeling disappointed that I didn’t go. I don’t know, sorry for rambling. Has anyone else had a similar experience?
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groisamomma




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 28 2019, 11:52 pm
Yes, on several occasions. I ask a sheila every time something like this comes up. Explain the situation and your thoughts exactly as you did here and you will be surprised that the answer is not always no. With clear guidelines from a rav, you can make things like this work and not feel confused.
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malki2




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 28 2019, 11:57 pm
Been there. Work in a company with some Jews and some non Jews. The atmosphere is very friendly and mutually respectful. However there is no socializing with the non Jews outside of work. Not as a rule. It just works out like that. Maybe because the boss and some of the employees are very frum and don’t do it. Believe me, it works out much better that way. Once you start socializing out of work, it will be expected, and it will go further and further. They will invite you to occasions and will expect to be invited to yours. If you stay friendly but apart, it will stay like that and they will understand that you don’t socialize and will respect you nonetheless.
I know that many people will have experience to the contrary and enjoy their social relationships with non Jews. If it works for you, great. I am just speaking from my own experience and also saying that if you do want to remain “apart” it is much easier to do so by remain completely apart, than it is by going out together and trying to keep that on a limited basis.
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amother
Beige


 

Post Fri, Mar 01 2019, 12:00 am
I used to be very friendly with work people and go to their outings. It got very tedious after a while. Our lives are just too different. We aren't in the same life stage, we value different things, we have different interests, etc. I dont think its wrong per se to go to an event here and there but going to too many and you might find then less and less enjoyable like I did.
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justforfun87




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 01 2019, 2:26 am
haha. Did I write this post? I also work nights as a nurse and went bowling with my coworkers.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 01 2019, 3:20 am
amother wrote:
But a little part of me didn’t feel right about it, like maybe I shouldn’t be hanging out with people who don’t have the same hashkafa as me. Like it’s one thing to be together at work and make it an enjoyable experience, but it’s another to choose to go into their world.

I don't see the issue. You enjoy their company and it's a safe venue: It's not a treif restaurant, a dance club, etc. It's just bowling. Frum people can go bowling.

Why can't you spend time with someone who is not of your hashkafa? If you are MO, you wouldn't spend time with someone who is Lubavitcher? That seems unnecessarily insular.
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moonstone




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 01 2019, 4:11 am
DrMom wrote:
I don't see the issue. You enjoy their company and it's a safe venue: It's not a treif restaurant, a dance club, etc. It's just bowling. Frum people can go bowling.

Why can't you spend time with someone who is not of your hashkafa? If you are MO, you wouldn't spend time with someone who is Lubavitcher? That seems unnecessarily insular.


Thanks, you said it better than I could. OP, you're overthinking this. Go and have fun.
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amother
Tangerine


 

Post Fri, Mar 01 2019, 4:40 am
amother wrote:
I am feeling really torn. I’m a nurse and I work night shift. I have a very friendly relationship with the nurses I work with, none of them are Jewish. We’re all about the same age, mid to late twenties, although I’m the only one married with children. Because most of the patients are sleeping during my shift, I spend a lot of time with my coworkers. I would call them friends, honestly, because we talk about anything and everything. I don’t have a huge social life outside of work, and with my introverted nature, my social needs are kind of filled by the forty hours a week I spend socializing with patients and families and my coworkers. I would love to have more meaningful relationships with ladies in the community, but it is so hard to make the time to cultivate that when it requires so much energy for me.
Anyways, the nurses wanted to have a get together outside of work and meet at a trendy bowling place, get food, and hang out. Initially, I was excited to go. It would be fun, just like it is at work. I could just get a soda and not feel out of place. But a little part of me didn’t feel right about it, like maybe I shouldn’t be hanging out with people who don’t have the same hashkafa as me. Like it’s one thing to be together at work and make it an enjoyable experience, but it’s another to choose to go into their world. I am struggling with this, like what would Hashem want from me? I don’t maintain strict boundaries at work, but I don’t socially text coworkers and never would have hung out outside of work before this planned outing. I ended up choosing not to go, but I wanted to know if maybe I’m being crazy for having hesitations about going, and that I’m feeling disappointed that I didn’t go. I don’t know, sorry for rambling. Has anyone else had a similar experience?


I'm in the same position as you. I'm also a nurse working night shift and very friendly with many of my co-workers at work. However, I don't hang out with anyone outside of work and don't text unless work related. I am bh very busy with my family and the limited time that I have to hang out I choose to spend with friends who I have more in common with. I prefer to spend my free time with other frum people.
Yes, sometimes I feel a little out of the loop but this is a decision that I made. I am different, and these are my boundaries. I am friendly, sometimes very friendly, but not friends.
It sounds like you would benefit from a social circle outside of work. It's definitely an investment of time on your part but it will pay off in the long run.
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amother
Peach


 

Post Fri, Mar 01 2019, 5:09 am
I'm in the same situation. Only thing is I'd have absolutely no interest to go. If I have spare time I want to be home with my husband or go out with a friend or call a sister or something. I love to shmooze at work but at the end of the day my life is so different. I know my colleagues see that and I think they be surprised if I came. They see me as different. I'm not on social media my kids don't play fortnite or watch movies or have access to technology. I don't swear. I wear a skirt. I don't get references to music or shows/ actors. They can't discuss yom to plans, shabbos plans, what kids are doing at school, chinuch issues are different ( my 2 year old doesn't swear) you get the drift.

Otoh my husband often goes for happy hour with colleagues and he finds this to be a great experience to bond with his teams, which makes his job more pleasant and makes him relatable to colleagues. So to each his own I guess.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 01 2019, 7:12 am
I sounds like the answer here is "do what you are comfortable with". If you'd rather use that spare time with DH and the kids, then that is valid. If you need an evening away from home with friends, that is valid too. Honestly, as long as these are moral, upstanding people, I don't see a problem with it.

The one caveat, is that I would be wary if any of the nurses was a supervisor. I have found that hanging out with equals can be a bonding experience, and actually improves the work team. Once you blur the lines of hierarchy, things can get very complicated. You don't want to be buddies with the person who writes your quarterly reviews, because that puts you both in an awkward position.

My advice? Get out of your head, and stop worrying about "what you should do". Think with your gut, and follow that.
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