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Accepting children for who they are



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Chaya123




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 28 2019, 7:35 am
Some of my children struggle with various issues, like much of society (including myself), but I struggle to accept them for who they are and view just their positives and when their difficulties are pointed out to me, it makes me so terribly sad.
How can I deal with this?
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amother
Seagreen


 

Post Thu, Feb 28 2019, 7:46 am
quick- tell me one positive for each of your children. Can you try to do that every day? Try to look for something good in them.


My dh once said to me something along the lines that having a challenging kids means Hashem trusts you to be able to raise them. Don't view it as you are doing something wrong but as a challenge, how can I help this kid? I think you might feel better if you feel like you are doing something about it. Oh my child has impulse control, is spacey, disorganized fill in the blank I know and we are getting guidance from professionals but thank you for your concern.

I think Mrs. Koval was the one who quoted someone as saying "you either marry your homework or give birth to it" (or both!) meaning its normal to find one or more of your children challenging for whatever reason.

I told my dd I look back at my childhood which was far far from perfect (my dd's childhood is worlds better then mine) and say my mother did the best she could with the tools she had. I hope that when she looks back at her childhood she will say the same thing. I know I'm far from perfect but I want her to know that I cared about her and tried my best.
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simba




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 28 2019, 7:47 am
Pat yourself on the back for being aware that you are even dealing with this.
Then try and internalize that Hashem entrusted these children to you.
You are not their sole influence. They came the unique way they are.
You are asked to give them the most that you can in order for them to reach their own unique potential.

I struggle to accept that my son may not have the personality I love or the academic abilities that I wish he did. Then I remember how my parents modeled acceptance for all their children and see successful and confident adults today (irrespective of their challenges) and I aspire to do the same for my children.
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 28 2019, 7:51 am
I struggle with this too. I work on it every single day. It's growing on me though, and I think I'm getting places Beezras Hashem.
Who is pointing out their issues to you?
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Chaya123




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 28 2019, 8:07 am
Thanks all. I'm aware they have various struggles, be it socially, academically, physically etc. It was pointed out to me over the years by school and we got them lots of help bh and they came very far. Yes, they have tremendous amount of maalos and I'm awed and inspired how amazing they are. Yet, when I see them struggle in various areas, especially when I see other children their age manage fine, it makes me very sad like why my children? Then I also feel self conscious when speaking to their teachers, principal or therapists like who knows what they think of me and child and maybe they're pitying us and I wonder how they would deal if it would be their own child.
Also, I struggled with infertility for many years so maybe expect everything to be perfect and smooth sailing now and of course it won't be. But it's just hard and painful and sad.
Also, I grew up with perfectionist high strung high power high expectations parents and always thought I'm somehow not good and struggled to live up to their expectations until I gave up looking for their approval BH after I got married bec realized how amazing I really am and how much my husband values me and has totally diff value system than they do. I so badly don't want to do the same to my children and shudder to think I'm following the same path and don't want them to feel any disapproval or negativity. I'm always complimenting and showing love and affection in every possible way yet am still sad over their struggles and cry for them.
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ectomorph




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 28 2019, 8:14 am
This might sound funny but one thing that helps me is to pick out one physical feature I find beautiful and focus on that. One of my kids that I have a hard time with has beautiful green eyes. I look at their green eyes when we're interacting and it makes me feel more positive.
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 28 2019, 8:17 am
I don;t think it's one or the other. You can grieve and cry for what the situation is. You can grieve for your dreams. You can and should daven that they should be successful in overcoming their challenges whatever they are.
And please, this in no way reflects on you at all. It's a nisayon that was custom made for you by Hashem. Whoever thinks of you only thinks of how amazing you are dealing with this situation.
And you already are not doing the same as your parents so you can really calm down.
Hashem should give you the koach and the stamina to all think positively and give you all the resources that you need. May you have tons of nachas from your children!
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amother
Seagreen


 

Post Thu, Feb 28 2019, 8:18 am
my oldest dc looked at our infant and said I wonder what issues she'll have. She saw how my other children each struggle with different things.
Its ok to be sad about their struggles, it means you care about them and sad to see them struggling.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 28 2019, 8:34 am
Google "enmeshed parenting".

It will help you realize that their good AND bad traits are not a direct reflection on you. You can separate yourself from their issues, and start viewing them more as individuals, and less as an extension of yourself.

BTDT

The person who told me to look this up made me really mad. I started researching it just to prove them wrong.. but yeah, that's exactly what I was doing.

Until I faced this issue withing myself, from an enmeshed viewpoint, I was in misery. Now I can love DD unconditionally, no matter where she's holding. Her choices don't hurt my ego, even though I can still hurt for her when I see her struggle. The difference is that it's not about me anymore.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 28 2019, 8:53 am
Chaya123 wrote:
Thanks all. I'm aware they have various struggles, be it socially, academically, physically etc. It was pointed out to me over the years by school and we got them lots of help bh and they came very far. Yes, they have tremendous amount of maalos and I'm awed and inspired how amazing they are. Yet, when I see them struggle in various areas, especially when I see other children their age manage fine, it makes me very sad like why my children? Then I also feel self conscious when speaking to their teachers, principal or therapists like who knows what they think of me and child and maybe they're pitying us and I wonder how they would deal if it would be their own child.
Also, I struggled with infertility for many years so maybe expect everything to be perfect and smooth sailing now and of course it won't be. But it's just hard and painful and sad.
Also, I grew up with perfectionist high strung high power high expectations parents and always thought I'm somehow not good and struggled to live up to their expectations until I gave up looking for their approval BH after I got married bec realized how amazing I really am and how much my husband values me and has totally diff value system than they do. I so badly don't want to do the same to my children and shudder to think I'm following the same path and don't want them to feel any disapproval or negativity. I'm always complimenting and showing love and affection in every possible way yet am still sad over their struggles and cry for them.


I just want to say that you sound like an amazing mother, and so real. You are in touch with yourself and with your children.

Perhaps the first step to accepting your children as they are is to accept yourself as you are. Know that it's okay to be you and it's okay to be the mother you are - you are human and you experience a full range of emotions - love for your children, joy in their achievements, sadness and grief over their struggles. All of this is normal and okay and you can be a great parent while being aware of and acknowledging all of this.
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Chaya123




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 28 2019, 8:56 am
Chayalle wrote:
I just want to say that you sound like an amazing mother, and so real. You are in touch with yourself and with your children.

Perhaps the first step to accepting your children as they are is to accept yourself as you are. Know that it's okay to be you and it's okay to be the mother you are - you are human and you experience a full range of emotions - love for your children, joy in their achievements, sadness and grief over their struggles. All of this is normal and okay and you can be a great parent while being aware of and acknowledging all of this.


Thanks, yes, this is part of my problem, always thinking I'm not good enough and a failure. Sad
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Chaya123




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 28 2019, 8:59 am
FranticFrummie wrote:
Google "enmeshed parenting".

It will help you realize that their good AND bad traits are not a direct reflection on you. You can separate yourself from their issues, and start viewing them more as individuals, and less as an extension of yourself.

BTDT

The person who told me to look this up made me really mad. I started researching it just to prove them wrong.. but yeah, that's exactly what I was doing.

Until I faced this issue withing myself, from an enmeshed viewpoint, I was in misery. Now I can love DD unconditionally, no matter where she's holding. Her choices don't hurt my ego, even though I can still hurt for her when I see her struggle. The difference is that it's not about me anymore.


This definitely sounds very much like me! However, I feel that if I pursue my own interests/hobbies, will be at children's expense. Like I want them to know they are the most important ppl in my life, not work or anything else.
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 28 2019, 9:07 am
Chaya123 wrote:
This definitely sounds very much like me! However, I feel that if I pursue my own interests/hobbies, will be at children's expense. Like I want them to know they are the most important ppl in my life, not work or anything else.

Again, it's not one or the other. If they are the most important to you in your life, they will know it, pick up on it and feel it.
It doesn't have to cancel out your other interests or hobbies.
Perhaps, it will even inject more positivity in regard to your relationship with them.
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Chaya123




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 28 2019, 9:09 am
ShishKabob wrote:
Again, it's not one or the other. If they are the most important to you in your life, they will know it, pick up on it and feel it.
It doesn't have to cancel out your other interests or hobbies.
Perhaps, it will even inject more positivity in regard to your relationship with them.


To be practical, I enjoy socializing, shmoozing, going out, watching videos, reading, exercising. How in the world can I do this if I'm busy with them full time bh and fully focused on them and devoted to their attention?
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 28 2019, 9:13 am
Chaya123 wrote:
To be practical, I enjoy socializing, shmoozing, going out, watching videos, reading, exercising. How in the world can I do this if I'm busy with them full time bh and fully focused on them and devoted to their attention?

You can do a bit of list every day or every week. And with a time limit. Like treats to you. Not like a full time job.
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Thu, Feb 28 2019, 9:16 am
Chaya123 wrote:
To be practical, I enjoy socializing, shmoozing, going out, watching videos, reading, exercising. How in the world can I do this if I'm busy with them full time bh and fully focused on them and devoted to their attention?


It's very healthy for them to see you lying on the couch reading while they play, or doing an exercise video. You're not doing them a favor by providing undivided attention to them all the time they're at home.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 28 2019, 9:19 am
Getting more un-enmeshed is not always about having a hobby or getting out of the house more. It's definitely not about getting your nails done, or buying a new eye shadow.

The most important thing is that it's a frame of mind. It will improve your self esteem, and improve your relationship with your kids. I don't know if you have any teens yet, but believe me, when they really start to become their own people and get independent, you are going to need this mindset in order to ease the transition for both of you.
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Chaya123




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 05 2019, 7:21 am
This concept has been a lot on my mind past few days. Daughter just put on beautiful performance, where she was definitely given recognition, along with everyone else. As much as I shepped tons of nachas and couldn't get over how amazing she was, there's a pit deep down in my stomach of sadness when I saw other girls getting main parts, tons of solos, being in multiple scenes, being head of props, song dance etc. Is this shameful to admit? Not that I don't love my child the way she is, it's just hard and painful that maybe she's any less than anyone else and that maybe she's in any way not held in the same esteem as those girls who received more than her. Of course I never got even this much as a child so maybe I'm trying to give her what I didn't have and pushing my feelings on her? My child seems thrilled and happy and these things don't bother her at all. It's just me, the mother, who's sad and yearning.
I keep thinking back to all those painful years of heartache and tears, when we davened and waited for her to be born and then the immense gratitude and emotions every step of the way has been, and how far she came and how amazing she is in her own right, I can go on and on of all her maalos. I keep reminding myself this is the child Hashem gave us with all her maalos and her own personal struggles, just like every person in this world. But I'm still sad and crying deep down inside...
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 05 2019, 7:59 am
Chaya123, I feel for you. However, after you expressed it so well, I think this is more about you than about her. Try to have zero expectations. Expect them to get no part in the plays and you'll be relieved when they get a small part. On one hand it's good to have expectations, otoh, in such a case, I would vote no expectations, to balance out your emotional needs right now.
None of my kids were the main parts in plays but I encouraged them that whatever part they do get they should make the most of it and act their best.
Hoping you can come to a peaceful place. Bhatzlocha
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