Totally at a loss of how to handle my child

Fox

Tue, Mar 12 2019, 8:20 am

At this point, OP, I think you need to back off -- both in terms of your 8-year-old and your other children as well.

While obviously none of us are experts, it sounds like your involvement is actually feeding and escalating the drama. Your kids are enmeshing you in their own quarrels and disputes to everyone's disadvantage -- including yours.

Sibling relationships are complex, and there is almost always more to the story. That's why it's dangerous for parents to get too involved. Kids have to learn to stand up for themselves, and they have to learn that there are consequences within relationships. The child who calls her sister "ugly" on Thursday may have been called "idiot" by that sister on Tuesday, unbeknownst to you.

It's great to empathize with your kids and even occasionally help them identify possible solutions to their problems, but you are not the cruise director on the ship of life.

Your 8-year-old is learning that she can stir the pot by making a single snarky comment. Your older DD is learning that she can gain your sympathy by appearing emotionally devastated by her sister's snark. Your 4-year-old is likely learning to be helpless. And your DS is learning that women are emotionally unstable.

None of these are good lessons for life, but they are the lessons that you are inadvertantly reinforcing when you don't put the brakes on your own responses. Make up some criteria for yourself; I used to tell my kids, "If there's no blood and no one from the FBI, Chicago Police Department, or the Health Department would be interested, then leave me out of it."

Obviously, that kind of laissez-faire attitude can be taken to unhealthy extremes, but I don't think that's a worry in your case right now. Once you're able to to detach yourself a bit, you can then think about how and when to get involved.

amother

cornflower

Tue, Mar 12 2019, 8:22 am

amother wrote:

In Terms of the scar, he wasn’t with me when she called it freaky. I said to her he’s your family, your brother. Don’t tear him down by saying that. Enough other children will tease him about it and as his sister you should be there to love him and not make comments like that.
She told me yesterday she was scared for the school to announce her birthday bc she thought my sons friends would boo her when they heard bc they don’t like her. Honestly I’ve heard she fights with his friends - even with her hands. That she hits them sometimes and they haven’t thank Gd hurt her back yet. But I told my son and he told me “oh she should have told me I would have told my friends not to do anything I would have made sure they didn’t boo her”
And then With the comment about the picture and her being prettier than her older sister - she said it to my daughters face. My older daughter was so upset she ran to her room crying.

She is not allowed to talk about her brothers scar because that is somehow tearing him down even if he is not in the room when she talks about it. How did he get this scar? Is she traumatized by it? Is she afraid that the same thing will happen to her? Why are you afraid to discuss this with her especially since she is sensitive enough to talk about it when he is not around?

She is being bullied in school and you perceive it as her being bad for protecting herself against her bullies. Have you done anything to protect her other than to ask your 9 year old son to talk to his friends? What other problems does she have in school that is not being addressed appropriately with the guidance counselor/social worker at school?

The older sister is better than her at art and is the "good girl" of the family. Seems like she can't handle the fact that the scapegoat 8 year old girl is saying that she is prettier than her. How dare the 8 year old outshine the oldest girl in anything.

Seems like the other kids need therapy as they are so used to being the best at everything that they can't tolerate anything the 8 year old says or does to make herself feel better about being the scapegoat. The 8 year old needs protection at this point both in school and at home but she is the scapegoat so she will probably never get that from you. I feel sorry for her and hope that she will be able to escape the toxic, dysfunctional environment that you have created in your house (and usually the scapegoated children do escape and are more successful than the favorite golden child (or children in this case) so there is hope for her).

dankbar

Tue, Mar 12 2019, 8:30 am

With a defiant child you don't want to start the fight. You give them choices where applicable if they have the need to be independent so they dont want to just go against you. Let's say in morn let her choose which dress she will wear or what she wants to eat for breakfast.
You don't command do this...which will get you a flat no...instead try like making it sequential like whenever you are done with your bedtime routine you can come & let me know so I can read you a bedtime story. Then just walk away & it's her choice what she does with the info, or tell her to look at the watch if she's ready for bed at this specific time she can read in her bed for 15 min. Instead of yelling get into bed already which she will try to test & keep coming out.

dankbar

Tue, Mar 12 2019, 8:36 am

Don't nag in between or mention anything. Don't even look her way in this 10-15 minutes that she is supposed to get ready for bed. After the time is up ask her if she's in bed & ready for the story....if not just tell her I feel sorry for you today that you missed it but maybe tommorow. Walk to the room close the light & walk away. You can tell her I put you to sleep already from now it's not my problem anymore if you get rested for your school day tomorrow. From now it is totally your responsibility & just walk away & ignore her after that.

Last edited by dankbar on Tue, Mar 12 2019, 8:37 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Burgundy

Tue, Mar 12 2019, 8:36 am

While I agree with you 'Fox' that this is the healthiest dynamic for a family I think at this point the family needs a reset button before this can be achieved. They don't have the skills right now to achieve this dynamic on their own and everyone needs help and guidance.

I also agree with the latest post that your 10 year old's reaction to her sister saying she is prettier was a bit extreme and did not seem like a healthy reaction to run off and cry in her room. Your 8 year old could have even said something far worse like 'you're ugly' all she said was that she was prettier. She should have a stronger backbone.

I'm sure it's overwhelming to read all these comments and to find the strength and encouragement to make these changes. Hashem gave you this child specifically to help you grow and overcome certain challenges.

Polina Belkina

Tue, Mar 12 2019, 10:36 am

I have a child ALMOST like this. But he IS the youngest. What I try is the following:
1. Ignore as much as you can the bad behavior - send to another room for timeout until the meltdown stops etc.
2. Separate. This is the best rule for everything bc it helps EVERYONE, namely your older children who are suffering. So take time with your 8yo alone and away from the rest. Have your husband/family/friends spend one-on-time time with her or the opposite - with your other kids while you you two are together. Send them to different activities etc ec. In other words - spend time with her aside from other children.
3. Her response to your baby is indicative. Try to make her solely responsible for the baby (under supervision of course)and see where it leads. Make this her prerogative, not other children, so there's a sense of exclusivity.
And good luck! Much patience and take really good care of yourself! Eventually, they all become functioning adults anyways.
Polina