Wives of rebbes: an honest answer please!

thunderstorm

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 9:05 am

amother wrote:

I understand where you're coming from, but there's a mitzvah of mishloach manos on Purim. Why would a child show up with a check and no mishloach manos?

the Mitzvah of mm is two minim to one person. If you were yotzei this Mitzvah with giving to someone else it's not necessary to give a mm and a check is sufficient. I've done that a few times. Whatever money I would've spent on the mm goes towards the token of appreciation instead . The children are excited to have their Rebbe see them in costume and to dance with the Rebbe ( and get a mm in return) .

amother

Seashell

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 10:22 am

Orchid wrote:

Re the bolded, the Torah disagrees with you. It is impossible to accept money from someone (whether we call it a "token of appreciation" or crassly, a "bribe") and not be biased towards them. The Torah says as such, whether you recognize it is happening or not.

THIS.

ShishKabob

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 11:07 am

amother wrote:

I imagine that this is very much dependent on where you live. Norms differ. It could be that the rebbe was just telling his wife that there was no check so she could put it away with the food and not go looking for a check. Maybe they once misplaced a check. Maybe they were tense about how they would be able to afford Pesach.

I have to say that I really prefer a system where teachers are adequately paid and not dependent on tips. Rebbes are human too, and it's impossible to forget that one parent gave a big check and fancy wine while another sent homemade hamentaschen.

My thoughts along these lines as well.

amother

Amber

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 12:38 pm

amother wrote:

coral- how much do you pay for tuition? have a feeling that those who feel obligated to tip more pay less in tuition.

I don't think one has to do with the other . I know that my brother pays exhorbitant tuition (and the rebbeim get paid well too) but he gives $100 every Rosh Chodesh. He said he recalls parents doing it when he was growing up and those kids were treated better. He felt very badly as a child because his parents didn't do this and the rebbeim didn't treat him well (child of a broken home , who needed even more attention than others) and because of this he feels strongly that it NEEDS to be done. The sad thing is that his kids are difficult and the rebbeim have a very hard time with them and I don't think his $100 monthly helps. He believes it does. I don't agree with doing this unless you have the means to do so.

watergirl

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 12:39 pm

amother wrote:

Thats sick and these people should not be teachers.

amother

Mauve

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 12:42 pm

what do you consider exhorbitant and does he pay full tuition. I can maybe see if if your child is extra hard but if your kid is average and you pay full tuition ( and its not 3,000 per kid or something low like that) I don't see why you should be expected to tip.

thunderstorm

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 12:52 pm

amother wrote:

He pays around $12k per child no tuition break and he has multiple kids in the school.

amother

Natural

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 12:59 pm

My father is an elementary rebbe in a very mainstream yeshiva in Flatbush. He definitely gets tips on some of the mm he gets, bit certainly not all. And all amounts. It’s not weird if u don’t give, and it’s nice if u can.

DVOM

Tue, Mar 19 2019, 6:38 am

Good morning ladies! OP here.

I took a break from my screen for a bit and just had a chance to read all these responses. I particularly appreciate the honesty of the preschool morahs who responded here. I'm gathering that there is a strong expectation to give, not by every rebbe and morah, but by many.

I've discussed it with my husband. I'm still not sure what we're going to do. On the one hand, I don't want my children to stand out, and I don't want to seem ungreatful. We are truly greateful to our kids teachers, and want them to know it. On the other hand, we don't really have the money for a tip, and it would feel very wrong in a way. I don't like a system that puts poorer kids at a disadvantage. Even if I could easily afford it, I wouldn't want to contribute to that system. If I had the money, I think I'd want to call every mother in the class, tell everyone not to tip, and give the Rebbe a 3,000 dollar tip from my own cash, with a note stating that it was a gift of appreciation from every kid in the class. This way no one kid would be singled out as the one who couldn't/didn't give, and the rebbe would still get the tip they were expecting/counting on. Where does it end though? I guess we have to get used to each child, each family, living within their different means as some point.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Mar 19 2019, 8:58 am

DVOM- I completely agree with you. I'm all for people living within their own means but I feel like tipping is like bribery and it shouldn't be in the school environment. If teachers aren't getting paid enough let schools pay them more or let there be a "fund" that whichever parents want to pay in to it they can without names attached.

ggdm

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:41 pm

DVOM wrote:

If I had the money, I think I'd want to call every mother in the class, tell everyone not to tip, and give the Rebbe a 3,000 dollar tip from my own cash, with a note stating that it was a gift of appreciation from every kid in the class. This way no one kid would be singled out as the one who couldn't/didn't give, and the rebbe would still get the tip they were expecting/counting on.

It is probably too late for this time. But why don't you organize a collection among all parents next time? Either everybody gives the same or everyone what they want. In any case, the rebbe will receive one card with money and he will not know which student gave what. Or get all parents from the school united and stop the whole system - that may be a bit more work than you want to put in, though Wink