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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Purim
Don’t ask someone where they are for Seudah - Vent
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amother
Lime


 

Post Tue, Mar 19 2019, 10:27 am
I find it extremely unpleasant when you are delivering Mishloach Manot a person will ask you are you by your sister, brother, parents or inlaws for the Seudah. If you are not eating the seudah with family for some reason its no ones business.
Please don’t pour salt over someones wounds. Also, its none of your business to ask who is by someones seudah. If they volunteer info who was invited that is fine but don’t ask. Its no ones business that some people are not having the seudah with family for whatever reason and its none of your business!!!
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amother
Jetblack


 

Post Tue, Mar 19 2019, 10:35 am
I know what you mean. We stay home alone on Purim because family is not an option so I get that it can be a sore point. I have found with many things, that having a prepared answer works wonders. Mostly people are really not asking to be mean. And they just assume that you have these wonderful family or friend plans just like they do.

So I say something like, Oh we're home with a full house this year! With a big smile on my face. Then I try to veer the conversation away and say something like I love hosting and planning menus. And then I try to ask them a question about an appetizer. Like I'll be Oh my gosh, I was stressing about the appetizer and if the kids will eat it. Meanwhile, its not really a completely true statement, but I think these conversations protect me and kind of grease the wheels of societal conversation. Its meant to make superficial connections is all it is. Most times that works. If they say oh who is coming? I just laugh and say oh my goodness, you don't even want to know! I'm making tons of food! What will I do with all the leftovers, yada yada yada. Be prepared and have some chit-chatty, airheady conversation sentences to choose from. You'll do fine!!
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Tue, Mar 19 2019, 10:37 am
Why are you delivering MM to people you aren't friends with?

"Not this year, Happy Purim, we're on to the next house".

I see this is a sensitive question for you - but you need to develop some internal resistance. Its a friendly question.
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Bruria




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 19 2019, 10:38 am
Maybe they are asking because they want to invite you, just a thought.
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amother
White


 

Post Tue, Mar 19 2019, 10:43 am
Thanks for the reminder! I know I have friends who have just married off kids, and I have to bite my tongue because I'm just naturally wondering if they are coming for the seudah, it seems like a nice innocent question but really it is NONE of my business! TMI
And I should know better because we don't have family at the seudah either!!!!
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 19 2019, 10:50 am
Genuinely asking-is it such a sensitive topic not to eat with family? I dont always eat with my family. This year we chose to eat with close friends of ours.
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amother
Peach


 

Post Tue, Mar 19 2019, 10:50 am
Could it be that they are waiting for you to invite them because no one else did? Or that if they find out you are eating alone, they would ask you to join their seudah? There are so many possibilities.
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amother
Oak


 

Post Tue, Mar 19 2019, 11:03 am
Honestly, they're just making conversation. Its Purim, everyone is going to a seuda, its a topic of small talk. No one means anything by it. No one means to be hurtful.

It seems like there are no "safe" topics anymore. Where are you having the seuda? So hurtful. How are the kids? Didn't you know? Cruel. Nice weather we're having? My sister lives in Nebraska.

BTW, I thought I was going to have to make our seuda in a hospital room. Fortunately, we won't have to.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 19 2019, 11:11 am
Sorry that you got hurt. Soon well see a vent saying “no one asked me where I am eating the seuda”. Many people ask just to make conversation or to be nice.
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 19 2019, 11:12 am
OP, it's just an innocent question usually. If it isn't you can prepare an answer in advance that you can have on the tip of your tongue. But keep it light! It's purim today!
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amother
Ecru


 

Post Tue, Mar 19 2019, 11:12 am
I get why it can be upsetting and you could feel left out, but most people (except a select nosy few) are just making conversation.

It's just DH and I and kids for our Seudah this year. I would respond with "I'm making X.." and talk about a menu item I'm excited about.
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aricelli




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 19 2019, 11:23 am
I understand you. I learnt this the hard way when I asked a friend this question and saw a look of pain cross her face. Of course, my question was coming from a good place but I Learnt not to assume
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amother
Burlywood


 

Post Tue, Mar 19 2019, 11:29 am
I host a purim meal. Last year I did ask somebody where they are going to be for the meal. It turned out, that they actually had no place to go. And I was happy to have them by me for the meal. I don't see why it's such a bad question to ask. Usually when I ask that it's because I have no problem hosting them if they have nowhere to go and I would be happy to.
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Mamushka




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 19 2019, 11:32 am
aricelli wrote:
I understand you. I learnt this the hard way when I asked a friend this question and saw a look of pain cross her face. Of course, my question was coming from a good place but I Learnt not to assume

So why didn't you invite her? That's what I do when I ask someone they are alone
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amother
Pink


 

Post Tue, Mar 19 2019, 11:33 am
I don't have this sensitivity for Purim because we live across the country from family, but for Pesach we are not being with any of our family, and none of my siblings are together either. Why? Cuz were all varying degrees of messed up and hate each other. Not something I want to announce to the world.
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Mamushka




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 19 2019, 11:34 am
The question here is why you feel embarresed to say you are home.
Eighter be proactive and invite a friend or work on beeing happy with what you have.
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aricelli




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 19 2019, 11:37 am
Mamushka wrote:
So why didn't you invite her? That's what I do when I ask someone they are alone

I did- turns out they already decided to make the best out of a bad family situation and host a few friends. I was happy and learnt something
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 19 2019, 11:44 am
I haven't seen OP post again. But she is saying it hurts when ppl ask "are you by your sister, brother, parents or inlaws for the Seudah" that's very different than a general "what are you doing for seudah"

I think her point was don't ask about spefic plans

I agree that "what's your general plans" is just chit chat

Asking a specific leading "will you be by x" is nosy and not appropriate
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 19 2019, 11:47 am
amother wrote:
I don't have this sensitivity for Purim because we live across the country from family, but for Pesach we are not being with any of our family, and none of my siblings are together either. Why? Cuz were all varying degrees of messed up and hate each other. Not something I want to announce to the world.


But I dont understand whats so embarassing about saying youre getting together with friends, or staying home.
I also have a complicated family situation unfortunately. And its very difficult. But its such a normal thing to stay home yourself/host others/go to neighbors or friends, im not sure why its embarassing to say so.
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amother
Jetblack


 

Post Tue, Mar 19 2019, 11:51 am
I'm not the OP.

But just to explain. When it hits a sensitive nerve, sometimes that rush of pain makes you not be able to think of an appropriately "pareve" answer.

Because you're thinking:

1. Its so painful that I don't have siblings/parents/in-laws to share the meal with.
2. Its impossible for us to attend anyone's seuda because of my special needs child who can't handle the noise and I hate having to explain it.
3. Take your pick or add your own.
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