Do you ever hide on Purim?

mommy3b2c

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 9:13 am

amother wrote:

So if OP gets an official diagnosis of “social anxiety” vs merely exhibiting some of the symptoms she is rude? 🤔

I didn’t read into her post as rude at all. To me it doesn’t matter if she has social anxiety or not. It’s her prerogative to decide whether or not to open the door.

She doesn’t need an official diagnosis. But she needs to tell us. “It’s really hard for me to open the door to unexpected people. It makes me anxious” she didn’t say that. So why would I assume that?

And of course its up to her to decide to open the door or not. Everyone has a choice to be rude or not.

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 9:14 am

groovy1224 wrote:

Your privacy violated? Seriously?

I feel like you are responding to something OP did NOT post. She did NOT say: Purim is so overwhelming, bH I have so many friends but I find it so hard and taxing to open the door all day, not to mention prepare shalach manos for all these people! Is it okay to sometimes not answer the door?

Instead she said: Ugh, what is wrong with people? The people I give to are my FRIENDS. Why are these losers bothering me??

The tone matters. That is what people are picking up on, not the question of whether or not it's okay to be overwhelmed on Purim.

Yes seriously. Just because someone kindly gives me an MM, it doesn’t mean they have free reign to come into my house uninvited. It makes me uncomfortable. Maybe OP feels a bit like that too.

OP did not say her friends or others coming over were losers.

People nit-picking on OP’s tone are not giving her the benefit of the doubt. Someone mean and callous would be unlikely to post this vs someone feeling overwhelmed by the social expectations of Purim.

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 9:17 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

So OP’s attitude is getting slammed because her post hasn’t been articulated in a manner satisfactory to the IMAs on here. That is really unfair. Perhaps OP’s first language isn’t English and she doesn’t realize how her tone comes across.

groovy1224

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 9:20 am

amother wrote:

Yes seriously. Just because someone kindly gives me an MM, it doesn’t mean they have free reign to come into my house uninvited. It makes me uncomfortable. Maybe OP feels a bit like that too.

OP did not say her friends were losers.

People nit-picking on OP’s tone are not giving her the benefit of the doubt. Someone mean and callous would be unlikely to post this vs someone feeling overwhelmed by the social expectations of Purim.

People typically just stay at the doorstep, I can't say I've ever had people walk into my house and hang out unless I invite them but if that's your experience then I agree it's annoying. (If nothing else most people have family waiting in the car and/or other stops to make so they can't linger even if they wanted to)

She said she just wants to give to who she wants to give and not the 'random people' that show up at her door. I'm not one to nit pick words but the tone was pretty clear.

And again, I'm not arguing that one HAS to give everyone that shows up. I think if it's a hardship for whatever reason, it's okay to pretend you're not home. But personally if this was an issue I had often, I would buy extra water bottles and bags of chips, or something that will get used up anyway even if we don't give them out, and give them to unexpected people. Regardless, that isn't what people are reacting to. It's the attitude.

Mayflower

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 9:44 am

I just always try to think: 'how would I like to be treated?'.

I would not care if I didn't get any MM in return, just a gracious smile is fine.

I would feel horrible if I found out the person I went to was hiding because she didn't want to open the door for me.

mommy3b2c

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 9:44 am

amother wrote:

So let her explain herself.

southernbubby

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 10:10 am

Whatever her situation, and people always take the chance when they post of getting nasty replies, she was trying to determine if she is alone in her feelings or if others feel the same way.
Many validated her feelings, some made suggestions and some felt personally insulted because they may be planning to give to someone who really doesn't want them to come.
Purim is one of those days where you just can't be in control but it is good practice for your child's wedding day. Speaking of your children, please be careful to discuss safety rules, including becoming separated from parents in crowds, street crossings, and letting the baby have choking hazards.

A freilichen Purim to one and all🍻🍷🥂🍭🍪🤴👸

JAWSCIENCE

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 10:10 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

I've even seen one house that had two large boxes on the front porch. They were labeled "MM IN" and "MM OUT". You deliver yours to the in box, and take one from the out box. Weirdest thing I've ever seen.

When we were away for Purim day one year we decorated a box to match our theme and placed mm in it (obviously all non perishable) with a sign explaining we were away at family this year and please take one. We knew friends would come by/kids friends. Did not leave a box for “in” though. Lots of people left one and took one. We got good feedback on it. It just seemed to miss everyone and we knew the kids friends might stop By etc.

This was a smaller community though. People were Not very judgey.

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 10:23 am

groovy1224 wrote:

I personally keep bags of spares for everyone who comes to our door, if I am out or don’t answer, I have DH or DD to answer the door. But maybe OP doesn’t have this luxury.

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 10:26 am

Mayflower wrote:

But if the person isn’t opening the door to anybody, there is no need to take it personally. If I am not in the mood to answer the door, I won’t, irrespective of who may be out there.

Mayflower

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 10:54 am

amother wrote:

But if the person isn’t opening the door to anybody, there is no need to take it personally. If I am not in the mood to answer the door, I won’t, irrespective of who may be out there.

That's very different from what OP said. She said she doesn't want to open the door for "random people" with MM:

amother wrote:

I gotta admit sometimes I just don’t want to answer the door when random people come with shalach manos and I don’t have one prepared for them. Enough is enough. I want to just give those I’m giving to (a lot) and not other people so I’m really thinking about not answering the door beyond that.

ShishKabob

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 11:19 am

ra_mom wrote:

Can you keep gift bags available and throw in items that you want to regift from incoming MM? The extra people who come that you weren't expecting, you can just keep opening and repacking in between each ring of the door.

Excellent Advice!
OP, I don't think you're rude or anything. I think you're just overwhelmed by all of this and weren't thinking of the people that were making the effort to come.
Don't feel pressured, but if you can rebag the stuff and give it, it's a great way of dealing with it.

amother

Chartreuse

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 1:18 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

So let her explain herself.

I don't think op needs to explain herself. She wrote a short op without giving detailed reasons why she wants to hide. She only gave part of the story.

However, regarding some ppl saying her tone comes across as.....

WELL LETS REMEMBER WE ARE NOT ALL GREAT AUTHORS SO NOT EVERYONE CHOOSES THE CORRECT WORDS TO CONVEY THE TONE THEY WANT US TO Understand

Therefore, as yehudim, we need to be Dan lkaf zechus, even here on the internet.

If someone here thinks that ppl must open the door otherwise its mean, then write that in response to ops post.

But, to personally attack her based on a vague post is against imamother rule and against torah.

She asked for one thing. To see if others agree it makes sense to hide. Everyone can agree or disagree, but she didn't ask you to judge her as mean or disgusting!

But, if you or anyone thinks she needs to give more information otherwise you'll attack her, well, no, if she doesn't explain herself more then you still can't attack her.

I think that those who are in a similar position would understand op EVEN WITH NO MORE EXPLANATION FROM op.

ra_mom

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 1:23 pm

If people come early Purim morning before anyone is dressed I don't go to see who it is or answer the doorbell. 🙈 It's only happened once or twice with neighboring kids excitedly coming to deliver at an ungodly hour. And they'll usually leave their package by my door, and once my kids get dressed, they happily go to give mishloach manos to that family.

etky

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 2:33 pm

The word 'hide' in the title cued my intuitive understanding that the OP was overwhelmed by the demands of this day. She then explains that she is stressed by the situation of being put on the spot when someone unexpected comes to the door and she has nothing prepared for them. I don't see how anyone can construe her post as anything but a vent against the stress of this chag and the awkwardness that often crops up because of the chaos that comes with MM delivery and receipt.

amother

Coffee

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 3:14 pm

Didn’t read the whole thread so don’t know if this is was already said.

As soon as a package comes in I seperate

All KLP stuff is put on the side. Especially chocolate.

Then I make a pile of mezonot - packaged stuff
A pile of chocolate
A pile of drinks/bottles
A pile of filler candy
A pile misc.

My kids then take a gift bag -
1 or 2 from each pile
Viola-instant MM

The next person (if I’m out) gets that pack.
They don’t wait until you scramble something together.

Plus I always have at least 5 ready to go.

After Purim all extras, especially candy, gets donated to the shul, for the kids program.
No one needs that much junk in the house.

amother

Jade

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 3:17 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

I’m just wondering if maybe just maybe you stopped to think that your posts and preaching and judging are rude? Or do you only (think you) see rudeness in other people? Maybe there’s things about me you don’t know that make it hard for me? Maybe I can’t afford it? Maybe something else? Ever hear about being dan lkav zchuss?

amother

Jade

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 3:23 pm

amother wrote:

She is unlikely to do so now after everyone has criticized her first post.

You’re right. I will not lower myself to the levels of the nasty people who ironically said I’m being nasty. I feel sorry for all of you sitting on your high horse judging and thinking you’re better than me at the same time being so horrible. I’m leaving. Thanks for nothing. I hope you work on yourselves see the error of your ways and do teshuva. You wouldn’t want G-d to judge you like you judged me.
—————————
groovy1224 wrote:

Instead she said: Ugh, what is wrong with people? The people I give to are my FRIENDS. Why are these losers bothering me?? quote]

.

Please show me where I said that-I’m shocked at how you and raisin and mommy3b2c are readin g into my post things I never ever said or meant-you’re putting words in my mouth and literally writing things you claim I said that I didn’t (losers? So many friends? What is wrong with these people? Show me where I said it ) I won’t even say what I think of these horrible things you 3 wrote that is false. You don’t know me you don’t know my situation you just judge. Shame on you talking about rude when this is how you act. You need mirrors to look into before you call other people rude.