Hurting for my child

amother

Khaki

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 11:20 am

So in post below, I explained that daughter had a very promising summer job option and went for interview yesterday. This was after lots of phone calls back and forth between my daughter and her and then myself and her. I also did reference calls myself and made all kinds of arrangements for it to happen and discussing with other friends' mothers as well. After all this, the lady tells me today "it's not going to work out, I'm looking for something diff." This is really hurtful and the rejection is painful. How can someone not want my child? This is after she heard raving reviews from her teachers and made it sound like she's getting the job. It's hurtful and painful and I so badly want to shield my child from any hurt or pain or rejection but I guess this is first encounter with real world. I just feel for her and will downplay it when she returns from school or maybe not tell her until after Purim or until she asks me. I feel and hurt for her, my precious child.

Chayalle

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 11:53 am

I think the hurt we feel for our children is sometimes the most painful kind of hurt.

I'm a mother of a post-teen and an older teen, and we've had our share of summer jobs that worked out or didn't....some of these camps can be really unfair. For example, DD worked in Camp X one summer, and they assured her they want her back the next year, she did a great job....then the next year, somehow they hired too much staff and forgot that she had signed up and it didn't work out, and by that time we missed interviews at other camps....B"H, at the last minute a great job opened up for her that summer, (she ended up running the afternoon program for a Morah in our neighborhood who had a playgroup/daycamp with extended hours. She had mornings to chill and prepare, and she earned more than she would've in the other job, in half the amount of hours.)

amother

Seagreen

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:03 pm

Yup it's painful, and she will be learning early on that life doesn't always work the way we want and that there are many disappointments in life.
As bad as you feel for her, it's healthy for her to experience rejection. It teaches them good life skills. You will see how she takes it and teach her a lesson of acceptance.

ShishKabob

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:25 pm

It's ok to sympathize with your dd and to acknowledge your own disappointment with this. However, don't let it drag you down. It doesn't accomplish anything good for either of you.

OP, it's one of those inevitable unpleasant things that happen in life.

What you can do is to continue supporting your daughter without being resentful of the other party. It's not as if they told her that she got the job and then went and rescinded it. That would be terrible and I'd step in. I think you are disappointed as well and you were counting on that job.
However, it's a great learning experience for her and for you. These things are bound to happen again. Such is life.
Tell her that it must be that Hashem has a better plan for her and that's why this job is not the best thing for her right now.
I really believe in this, it's Hashem's orchestration, but this woman was the messenger.
BH, there are other opportunities available for her that may be suited better for her.
Wishing you a Freilichen Purim and a very enjoyable and successful summer!

jflower

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 1:16 pm

amother wrote:

I decided to call anyway to give one last push. She told me she's looking for someone more "geshmak". Surprised

This comment took my breath away. What chutzpah! It doesn't sound to me as though this woman would have been a pleasant boss to work with and I sincerely hope that your daughter finds a great job surrounded by great people.

amother

Violet

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 2:12 pm

Maybe you can present it to your daughter in a way that can make her decide she doesn't want to work there? Or that you heard some negative things about her would-be boss and decided it's not a good environment for her? This way she doesn't have to know she was the one rejected.
My mom did that for me in a different situation and she only told me about it years later. I thought it was so special of her.

amother

Khaki

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 2:43 pm

jflower wrote:

Not so sure, I heard great info about her, which makes me feel even worse. Sad

amother

Khaki

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 2:44 pm

amother wrote:

I would rather say the truth, just in a gentle loving compassionate way.

Chayalle

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 2:49 pm

It kind of blows my mind, what these people running the camps think they need in counselors.

I'll be honest - one of my girls is the geshmak, fun, life-is-a-bowl-of-cherries type of kid. She walks into an interview and waltzes out with the job (did the same on her road test, too). It's kind of mind-blowing, really. She's a great girl, lots of Maalos, but you know....the other daughter - the quieter one, who is conscientious, responsible, caring, etc...is also fabulous as a counselor. Her campers loved her. Yet it was harder for her, sometimes, to snag the job (it ends when you get to the real world, though....Office jobs like the quiet, careful personality....)

My good friend has two daughters with different personalities, and had very similar experiences.

So upsetting, but there are lots of daycamps B"H, and lots of jobs. Keep looking, and daven. Something great will B"EH work out for her.

And I second jflower - I wouldn't want my DD to work for such a boss.

jflower

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 2:51 pm

khaki, no matter what you heard I can't imagine any scenario where it's okay to make a comment like that to the mother of a job applicant. I just can't. I think you just have to view this as your daughter dodging a bullet.

I really hope she finds a fabulous job that she finds rewarding.

amother

Khaki

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 2:52 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Yes, it really is mind blowing. Anyone who doesn't want my daughter doesn't deserve her! She's the most wonderful caring kind responsible conscientious person! So what if she isn't loud and "geshmak"? Since when does a girl need to be that way? Being aidel and dignified is what a bas yisroel is all about. Anyway, thanks for the chizuk and yes, it's def something else to daven for on Purim!

amother

Linen

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 2:55 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I have two daughters: one is quieter, gentler type and the other is a geshmack ra-ra - guess which one is better with children?

jflower

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 2:59 pm

amother

Khaki

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 3:00 pm

amother wrote:

I have two daughters: one is quieter, gentler type and the other is a geshmack ra-ra - guess which one is better with children?

yup, I told her how good my daughter is with kids. She also tried to use the excuse of looking for someone "older". I told her my daughter is from the oldest in her grade and she was pleasantly shocked and then used the "geshmak" answer. Rolling Eyes

Chayalle

Wed, Mar 20 2019, 3:26 pm

amother wrote:

I have two daughters: one is quieter, gentler type and the other is a geshmack ra-ra - guess which one is better with children?

About my own girls, I have to say that each of them are good with children in their own way. They are both very caring human beings B"H.

But I will tell you about their camp experiences over the years. They both agree that some of their rah-rah counselors didn't care two hoots about their campers. They took jobs with lots of friends and socialized as much as possible in the hallways, and hustled their campers thru the day with minimum effort. They showed favoritism to certain campers (especially relatives of their friends...) It was only here and there that they had a counselor that they really liked and appreciated (this was true in both daycamp and sleepaway camp.)

I wish camp directors would take note that those geshmak counselors are not necessarily what the campers are looking for (some are, some aren't.)

My point is, geshmak is not the defining quality needed to give kids a good time and a positive camp experience.