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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Purim
No one offered to bring anything
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:11 pm
Yes, I know. When I host and when I invite, I need to be prepared to foot the whole bill. And I am. I am making the seuda as nicely but as frugally as I can, serving meatballs and chicken wings, soup, rice, challah rolls, brownies with ice cream for dessert... and the wine. I invited couples and singles that we are close with. ONE person asked if she can bring something and was visibly annoyed when I said sure, and then she offered to bring salad. Now she tells me that they are coming late and will get there "at some point". Ok, no salad.

When I go somewhere, I always ask what I can bring and then happily bring it! One of the guests is actually the person who will invite us all to her house, we accept, and then she changes it to pot luck and I end up cooking a main and dessert.

This group that I am having is our chevra. We do most holidays together. We have no family around and are BTs, so if we dont do holidays with friends, we are just with the immediate family, and thats ok, but we like to host when we can to mix it up and make Purim more lively.

Is it expected for the host to provide all of the wine for a Purim seuda? No one else even hinted that they will bring something.

I just never ever would come to something like this as a guest and know that the host is spending a ton of money and then not offer to bring something.

This is just a vent.
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Cheiny




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:15 pm
amother wrote:
Yes, I know. When I host and when I invite, I need to be prepared to foot the whole bill. And I am. I am making the seuda as nicely but as frugally as I can, serving meatballs and chicken wings, soup, rice, challah rolls, brownies with ice cream for dessert... and the wine. I invited couples and singles that we are close with. ONE person asked if she can bring something and was visibly annoyed when I said sure, and then she offered to bring salad. Now she tells me that they are coming late and will get there "at some point". Ok, no salad.

When I go somewhere, I always ask what I can bring and then happily bring it! One of the guests is actually the person who will invite us all to her house, we accept, and then she changes it to pot luck and I end up cooking a main and dessert.

This group that I am having is our chevra. We do most holidays together. We have no family around and are BTs, so if we dont do holidays with friends, we are just with the immediate family, and thats ok, but we like to host when we can to mix it up and make Purim more lively.

Is it expected for the host to provide all of the wine for a Purim seuda? No one else even hinted that they will bring something.

I just never ever would come to something like this as a guest and know that the host is spending a ton of money and then not offer to bring something.

This is just a vent.


While it’s a nice gesture and usual for guests to bring something, it’s absolutely not right to expect them to. If you invited, it means you fooT the whole bill. If you’re unable to afford, you don’t invite. What if they come with flowers or some other non-food gift? You should not be counting on their food contribuTions.
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Teomima




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:17 pm
Yes, it'd have been nice if everyone offered. But why not just ask them? Say, "Great! I'm so glad you can come! If you can, please bring a bottle of wine with you. Thank you so much!"

Or, just make it a potluck. That way everyone knows they're automatically expected to bring something.

Otherwise, the best approach, and easiest for your sanity, is just to go into it expecting no one to help. That's healthier than feeling resentful that your friends are not as considerate as you.
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:17 pm
Cheiny wrote:
While it’s a nice gesture and usual for guests to bring something, it’s absolutely not right to expect them to. If you invited, it means you fooT the whole bill. If you’re unable to afford, you don’t invite. What if they come with flowers or some other non-food gift? You should not be counting on their food contribuTions.

I know. I said all of that.
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precious




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:18 pm
I would think guests bring along a nice mishloach manos for their hosts, which may include wine or other food that can be used at the seudah. If they are thinking of it in that way, they would not think to tell you in advance.
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amother
Blush


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:20 pm
Being that its your usual chevrah, can you shoot them all a text about how you're really looking forward, the meal starts at whatever time, and, something like, 'come sober, bring some wine!!'
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amother
Gold


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:22 pm
OP next year bill it as a potluck seudah and assign guests to bring something. While most of us are socially skilled enough to offer at least a salad or dessert when being hosted, some people are not. Though I have had several situations where I've consistently offered to bring and been consistently denied.

But doing it potluck style will not only be better for your budget next year, you'll also be less resentful.
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:23 pm
I'm so sorry. Where I live it's expected that if someone invites you for the Purim seuda, you should be contributing something. When I hosted another family, they brought almost half the food. This year we're three families together and splitting pretty equally. I would probably ask people outright if they can contribute, when extending the invitation, if you end up doing this again next year.
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notshanarishona




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:26 pm
It's pretty standard for men to bring their own alcohol. I think every Purim seudah I have went too that has been requested. Just send out a text to all the people coming , looking forward to tomorrow, please bring whatever wine you like to drink.
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notshanarishona




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:28 pm
And yes while many Purim seudah are potluck the assumption when you invite someone as a guest is that you are doing the cooking. Next year instead of just offering to host , be upfront that you want the others chipping in .
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:30 pm
Thanks. I'm not resentful, I guess I'm surprised though. The friend who said she would bring salad will probably not in the end just because she is coming at "some point" and told me her day is too crazy to bring the salad before the seuda. I think I'm annoyed with her but not with the rest of the group, that she said she would and is pretty much backing out and I was counting on it. I have a cooked veg but still.

Another friend, who I know cant even bring mm because they dont have two pennies to rub together, I asked her if she would come over at a time thats convenient for her to help me make the meatballs. This is something that I've done for her before [editing for clarity - I’ve gone to her house to help her cook before when I was in a bad financial place). She couldn't. Ok, I'm sure she has too much to do and could not make it.

I'm thrilled to host and thrilled to have this chevra. I appreciate the tips on how to ask them to bring wine.

My OP was a vent and also asking for input on if its a "thing" to bring wine when coming to a Purim seuda.
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:31 pm
amother wrote:
Being that its your usual chevrah, can you shoot them all a text about how you're really looking forward, the meal starts at whatever time, and, something like, 'come sober, bring some wine!!'


Or some line about everyone bring their favorite bottle.
In all the seudos I've participated in, everyone brought their one or two favorite so as not to rely on the host only to find out that he puts out only sweet red and that makes me sick. Or something.

But generally, we do a group seuda with my "chevra" but we've changed our attitude. We used to host it. Now we jointly do it together and take turns at a different family's house.
So while I'm not hosting this year, I'm still participating in a meaningful way.
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:32 pm
notshanarishona wrote:
And yes while many Purim seudah are potluck the assumption when you invite someone as a guest is that you are doing the cooking. Next year instead of just offering to host , be upfront that you want the others chipping in .


I didnt want them to chip in. I guess I'm just feeling disappointed because when I go to these same peoples houses, they all know that I will bring something. One friend invited me once, said not to bring anything. I brought a cake. She laughed and said that she didnt buy dessert because she knew that I would bring a cake! People just know this about me.

I know this doesnt make sense and I know that its not really fair of me. Ergo, the vent. Its not logical and its not rational.
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:32 pm
Quote:
OP next year bill it as a potluck seudah and assign guests to bring something.

This.
We've been doing our seuda with a group of friends for a few years. From the first time it was clearly stated it was potluck. The host asks everyone to bring one protein, one side and one dessert. Host does not make food, but provides challah, paper goods and drinks (and obviously set up and clean up)
All men are responsible for bringing their own alcohol
I think this is basically how it's done in my community. I've not heard of anyone that cooks the whole seuda themselves Confused
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:32 pm
You did this all wrong.

1: hi do you want to join us for the purim seuda? We are having a big meal so I am asking everyone bring something if they join. What side dish can I put u down for? Oh you cant cook? Ok sure no problem. Can you buy paper goods or bring the soda?

2: we are doing byob. Bring your own beer. There will be a couple bottles of wine on the table but if you have anything you want personally feel free to bring it.

Cant wait to see you!
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:41 pm
I agree that you should have labelled it as a potluck to beginn with. the friend that backed out of salad, yeah thats really rude. even if shes busy there are salads you can make in advance. about the meatball thing, honestly thats strange. who has time on purim which is. a crazy day to roll meatballs? I would never ask.
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:47 pm
amother wrote:
I agree that you should have labelled it as a potluck to beginn with. the friend that backed out of salad, yeah thats really rude. even if shes busy there are salads you can make in advance. about the meatball thing, honestly thats strange. who has time on purim which is. a crazy day to roll meatballs? I would never ask.

You’re kind of putting a spin into my post that is not there. I asked my friend a few weeks ago if she had any time in the coming weeks to come over and make meatballs with me. I made them and they have been sitting in my freezer now. Who said anything about purim day?
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:48 pm
amother wrote:
I agree that you should have labelled it as a potluck to beginn with. the friend that backed out of salad, yeah thats really rude. even if shes busy there are salads you can make in advance. about the meatball thing, honestly thats strange. who has time on purim which is. a crazy day to roll meatballs? I would never ask.


I don't think that you have to label it as a "potluck" to anticipate that guests will volunteer to bring something. Maybe not a main dish, but certainly a dessert or beverage. I've never hosted where people didn't offer, and never been invited where I didn't bring.

OP, I'm sorry. But I hope you nevertheless have a wonderful Purim and seuda.
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:53 pm
amother wrote:
You’re kind of putting a spin into my post that is not there. I asked my friend a few weeks ago if she had any time in the coming weeks to come over and make meatballs with me. I made them and they have been sitting in my freezer now. Who said anything about purim day?


ok. but still strange to ask someone to come over to roll meatballs. I hear you about the financial part, but hosting means you are ok with the workload. rolling meatballs reminds me of a soup kitchen or an industrial meal not a small meal with friends. the only time I have heard of people offer to cook like that is daughters who help their moms cook before pesach, and thats because of the enormous workload.
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Wed, Mar 20 2019, 12:58 pm
[quote="Teomima"]Yes, it'd have been nice if everyone offered. But why not just ask them? Say, "Great! I'm so glad you can come! If you can, please bring a bottle of wine with you. Thank you so much!"]


I think it’s terribly tacky to ask people to bring something.
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