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My mother has only bad things to say about my in laws



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amother
Khaki


 

Post Thu, Mar 21 2019, 11:46 pm
My mother always talks badly about my in laws. They are such good people but she has nothing good to say about them. She always complains about them and makes me feel bad and she always tries to make me feel like I didn’t marry into a good family. She complains about everything about the amount they agreed to pay for our wedding and how they tried to get my parents to pay for everything, about how they never invite them over for Chagim or stay in touch with them, about how cheap they are, and many other things which is very hurtful to me because it makes me feel like I didn’t give my parents nachat because they are always complaining about my in laws and also because I love my in laws and they treat me like a daughter and it makes me feel bad to hear my parents talking badly about them. I wish they would appreciate my in laws have good heart and how they treat me like a daughter but unfortunately they have no appreciation for that and it hurts me. Was anyone ever in the same situation as me?
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exaustedmom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 21 2019, 11:56 pm
Try not to talk to your mother about your in laws at all. It's possible she feels threatened by your wonderful relationship with them.
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 12:02 am
Just because she says these things doesn't mean you have to listen. When she starts in on your in-laws, just get up and leave.

I agree she's probably motivated by insecurity and there's not a lot you can do. Just change the subject and move on.
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Cheiny




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 12:29 am
amother wrote:
Just because she says these things doesn't mean you have to listen. When she starts in on your in-laws, just get up and leave.

I agree she's probably motivated by insecurity and there's not a lot you can do. Just change the subject and move on.


Sounds like jealousy. You should tell your mom firmly that your in laws are wonderful to you, and that you will not allow her to badmouth them to you any longer! Ask her if her goal is to cause you and dh shalom bayis problems!
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WhatFor




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 12:35 am
Would your mother be receptive if you communicated this to her?

"I understand that you don't like my in laws, but I feel very uncomfortable when you talk to me about them that way. They are now my family too, they are going to be the grandparents to my children like you will, and I think it's important that I have a good and loving relationship with them. If you have issues with them you have to discuss it with someone else because I'm not the appropriate person to share this with."
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 12:50 am
You need to shut down these conversations before they start, every single time. Loud and clear, nope. This can be very damaging. You're not going to change your mother, the only thing to do is to set in stone that you will not be an audience to these comments.
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 1:37 am
amother wrote:
My mother always talks badly about my in laws. They are such good people but she has nothing good to say about them. She always complains about them and makes me feel bad and she always tries to make me feel like I didn’t marry into a good family. She complains about everything about the amount they agreed to pay for our wedding and how they tried to get my parents to pay for everything, about how they never invite them over for Chagim or stay in touch with them, about how cheap they are, and many other things which is very hurtful to me because it makes me feel like I didn’t give my parents nachat because they are always complaining about my in laws and also because I love my in laws and they treat me like a daughter and it makes me feel bad to hear my parents talking badly about them. I wish they would appreciate my in laws have good heart and how they treat me like a daughter but unfortunately they have no appreciation for that and it hurts me. Was anyone ever in the same situation as me?


Yes. Not exactly somewhat similar.

I'm curious ( u of course don't have to answe) was there a lot of stress while u were engaged about wedding preparations?

Do u think theres possibility that most of bad feelings go back to then?
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OOT




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 2:08 am
Is your mother only negative towards them, or to others as well?
If only them, it would probably help to help her realize how valuable she is to you and your dh, as she may feel that they “stole” you. BUT
You actually have a halachic obligation to :
1) tell your mom that it’s LH and you can’t listen
2) change the topic
3) get up and leave
LH can cause real problems. Stop it as soon as you can.
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amother
Plum


 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 6:42 am
I really feel for you
this is no good pretty much no matter what the in laws are doing -- and you have a good relationship with your in laws B"H!
not good for anyone and yes in the kindest way possible you can let your mother know that you are not the right venue for her to talk to about this
if she really must vent or confide in this way then she needs to find a peer to do it with, spouse, mentor, friend, or therapist -- certainly not you
hugs and hatzlocha
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amother
Peach


 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 6:59 am
My parents hated one of my sibling's in laws. They pulled the same schtick at the wedding saying they had no money after they agreed on finances and wanted my parents to pay for it all and then claimed that they didn't like what my parents provided.

From not liking the kallah jewelry to not liking that my parents gave a barely used crib for the first grandchild, my parents couldn't do anything right. They thought my parents should provide everything that they wanted their daughter to have but they couldn't provide.

My brother was a student, so everything fell on my parents.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 7:32 am
Cheiny wrote:
Sounds like jealousy. You should tell your mom firmly that your in laws are wonderful to you, and that you will not allow her to badmouth them to you any longer! Ask her if her goal is to cause you and dh shalom bayis problems!


What script would you give her that would b'kavod to her mother?

I suspect that this isn't the only example in OP's life. She probably needs some good all-purpose tactics.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 7:37 am
OOT wrote:
Is your mother only negative towards them, or to others as well?
If only them, it would probably help to help her realize how valuable she is to you and your dh, as she may feel that they “stole” you. BUT
You actually have a halachic obligation to :
1) tell your mom that it’s LH and you can’t listen
2) change the topic
3) get up and leave
LH can cause real problems. Stop it as soon as you can.


This is good. Because if her mother says, "But it's true," OP can say,True IS LH. Halachically, this might be problematic because it's insinuating agreement with her mother. OTOH, maybe she can say this with the kavana we're intending and if it diffuses the conversation, it's for the greater good. A rav can answer this hypothetical situation.

Or maybe she can say, True IS LH, not true is rechilus, and neither are appropriate and Mama, you raised me to speak nice about other people. Let's take the high road.
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amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 8:21 am
my mother also has only bad thing to say about my mother-in-law who is a widow
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 8:23 am
amother wrote:
my mother also has only bad thing to say about my mother-in-law who is a widow


Wow, double whammy.
Try to have compassion on your mother. And gratitude that as a gracious woman, you are breaking the cycle.
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amother
Maroon


 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 8:35 am
Please please remove yourself. Unfortunately, what you hear can influence you or your children in ways you don't expect and can hurt relationships with mom and mil. Do not be available for this conversation.

We used our wedding money to pay my in laws wedding obligations, and I tried to say lovely things about mil to my mother. My mil is NOT amazing, but my dh is. I wanted to build a strong marriage according to my values, not my mothers.

My mother also picked on DH. I became less close to her and didnt engage in these topics.
I didnt want to repeat her experiences or her in law relationships.

It's a great challenge, but I'd rather my mom know it's no use to talk bad than for me to start thinking bad about my mil. Her words were in the back of my mind all the time.

PS I was greatly influenced by a dh close friend whose parents HATED his dw and her family. They divorced. I dont think it was because of his parents per se, but it spooked me.

I'm married 15+ years. This was tough the first few years of marriage till I effectively showed my mother it was a no go. It did change my relationship with my mother, to what I believe was more healthy and appropriate. I still loved her and was close, but did not tolerate negativity about dh and his family.
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amother
Violet


 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 9:57 am
It's worse when your in-laws speak with disdain about your parents.
My in-laws have made it very politely clear that I come from stock that doesn't measure up, and that they think my parents are strange.
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 10:20 am
I know people are always saying - speak to a therapist....but in this case, I think it would be a good idea to speak to a therapist or rav. You can get a good idea of how to respond in a respectful way, while still maintaining boundaries. You will likely not get her to change her attitude, but you can keep it from harming your relationship with her, and with your husband and in-laws.
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nechamashifra




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 3:45 pm
The only thing you can do is not respond, even to defend your in-laws. Defending them will just make the conversation escalate. I would completely change the subject.
If she continues talking badly about your in-laws even after you have tried to change the topic, I'd just say something like "oh, is that the time? I have to run".
It's sad but you have to remind yourself that it's not under your control - your mom's choices (if she continues on this path) will cause a distance between you and her but this would not be your fault, just the natural result of her own actions.
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amother
Amber


 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 6:33 pm
By any chance is your mother narcissistic?
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