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Help me parent correctly!!!
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 8:42 am
my daughter wont stop eating junk. getting her to eat something decent is a challenging battle. she only wants nosh, and snacks, instant soup, cookies, Leben..... shes not terribly heavy but I'm sure all the junk is not ok for her. I work so hard to encourage healthy food, I talk about health, I eat pretty healthy myself, I make nutritious yummy food and yet she only wants nosh. after an entire purim of junk eating that I didn't monitor too closely she ate more nosh today, a bowl of corn flakes and now is aksing for instant soup. I don't know what to tell her. shes only 8 and I don't want to make a big fuss over food at this stage but I'm so frustrated. how much can I battle this and not make her develop and unhealthy relationship with food??
help a mother in distress.
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trixx




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 8:52 am
If she's getting this stuff from your house then the only way is to remove it totally and stop buying it or letting it in.
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 8:57 am
now its mostly from mishloach manos stuff but even all year, she attracted to the junk food. even if it's not nosh, she wants the starch, but not the healthy stuff. I can eliminate to an extent but not completely.
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 9:07 am
She's 8, so her diet is pretty much completely controlled by you. You need to emphasize that these foods are special treats that she can only have after she has a healthy balanced meal.

Is there anything healthy she eats? Chicken? Tuna? Hard boiled eggs? If there is even one thing, I would just run with it.

You can also try serving her things with dipping sauces- see if she'll eat cucumbers dipped in ranch dressing, or thousand island, or even ketchup. Just start trying to get more healthy options into her. These instant soups and sugary snacks have addictive qualities, so you want to break the habit and get her eating other things.

Eventually, you'd want her to be okay eating fruits/vegetables/proteins as is, without empty calorie laden dipping sauces, but in the beginning any way she'd take it is good. And you also want her to experiment with trying new foods.
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 9:28 am
she'll eat a cucumber or an egg but how many eggs can I give her? breakfast and dinner? lunch is in school and I have no control over how much pasta and bread she eats there. I need to switch things up a bit and she always turns back to her junk food. even if she eats fruits im not sure that's good enough.
I guess I should be asking what a healthful eating plan looks like for an 8 yr old kid.
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 9:33 am
my daughters eight. we definitely "control" what and how much she eats. Nosh are treats. she seems to have a fine relationship with food. It's my job to take care of her, part of that is making sure she eats nourishing food. we discuss it.
do you have older kids? I can see that making it harder. my 8 year old is my oldest.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 9:38 am
First of all, I agree with not bringing certain foods into the house altogether. No, you can't control everything going on outside, but she's eating two meals a day at home, plus all of the weekend. That's a lot. You don't need instant soup at home, and cookies can be for shabbos party only.

Second, try to be honest with yourself about what she'll eat. I know that my DD who tends to overeat loooooves any kind of salad. Am I lazy about making lots of salads? Yes, sometimes I am, and she would be eating better if I admitted that and started making salad more often. Sit down with her and make as long a list as possible of all the foods she likes enough to eat without a fuss. Then make it your business to provide the healthier options on that list as often as possible.
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 9:44 am
I do cut up any fruits n vegetable that she likes almost every day but she keeps asking for carbs. like if she didn't have that then she's not satisfied. I never buy instant soup but when we go to a certain relative they have it and she asks for it every time. also, I do control and manager her meals to be as healthful as possible but I feel like I have to fight w her to not let her eat cake or cookies. she keeps asking and I keep saying no and I feel guilty and unsure and frustrated. at one point I was bribing her to eat chicken for dinner and I explained to her why I do it so now she thinks whenever she eats something decent she has to get chocolate or cookies after.
I don't want to shame her or refuse her all the time. isn't it normal for kids to have cookies after school? I'm just so unsure of myself.

also she takes two junky snacks to school. it's a long day and I don't want her to be hungry but she says apples turns brown, peppers n cucumbers get soggy, baby carrots are embarrassing. Rolling Eyes

should I just keep doing what I'm doing and feeling like a bad mom bc she's probably resenting me all the time or give in and let her have whatever she wants?
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 9:50 am
I also have an 8 year old who basically eats bread, cheese and pasta. Absolutely zero vegetables and minimal fruit. Chicken in basically one form - deep fried and once she has that more than twice a week refuses that too. Eggs occaissionally but never eats more than a forkful or two.
She is my youngest and if this post would have come up when my older kids were 8 (and some were not healthy, picky eaters) I would have definitely agreed with posters who said,”she’s 8, you control what she eats...”
However this child has removed all vestiges of ga’ava in me regarding my parenting.
If I only have healthy food options in the house (like whole wheat bread, pasta, unprocessed cheese) she just refuses to eat. There is school where a savvy kid can trade snacks and lunches. There are neighbors who have “good” snacks to visit.
This child is stubborn. (I daven that she grows up and uses this midday to do great things.)
So for now I will tell you to try and have only healthy food options at home, continue to set a good example for her like you have been doing, and look away for a few days until you can sneak all that Purim junk into the trash or some tzedakah organization. But know that this may be one area that you will have to try your best, encourage and pray that the day her palette matures comes soon. Trust me, it’s not worth ruining your shalom bayis, sanity or your relationship with your child.
If your pediatrician has concerns, let him/her be the bad guy.
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 10:25 am
I think you need to figure out how you want to proceed and then stick with it. I know thats incredibly hard. If I could I would give you a hug. What I mean is if you think that two cookies and a glass of milk is a normal snack for kids when they get home then say that's what I'll do, not zero, not 10. She needs to know what the guidelines are so its not always open for discussion. People here can tell you what we do but I really think the most important part is consistency within reason of course,.

If you want to know what I personally do- treats are for special occasions and aren't given if she's "flipping out", she cant have more carbs until she has more vegetables, at a certain point she needs to take a break and if she's hungry later she can eat more but she needs to take time to digest. carbs are usually whole grain. snacks are things like rice and peanut butter, nuts, fruits, vegetables....
when we are at other people's house I'll "relax" a little bit like if everyone's having soda she can also but one small cup not five.... you don't want the kids to be resentful.

Can she get involved ion the food prep, like make an israeli salad....

tastebuds take time to change, if she's used to white flour she might not go for whole wheat right away.
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amother
Maroon


 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 10:28 am
I'll say something unpopular.

STOP talking about it. Stop watching what she's eating. Stop commenting. Stop talking about healthy eating and food altogether. Make it an entirely neutral topic. Do NOT call it cr@p or junk food or poison. Do not throw it all out or lock it up or keep it out of the house entirely. Serve a variety of foods and then don't comment on what anyone does or doesn't eat.

It's hard and runs counter-intuitive to everything you've probably ever heard, but it's the most effective way for kids to learn how to self-regulate.

to really see the impact, you have to give it time. like months, or even a year.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 10:41 am
amother wrote:
I'll say something unpopular.

STOP talking about it. Stop watching what she's eating. Stop commenting. Stop talking about healthy eating and food altogether. Make it an entirely neutral topic. Do NOT call it cr@p or junk food or poison. Do not throw it all out or lock it up or keep it out of the house entirely. Serve a variety of foods and then don't comment on what anyone does or doesn't eat.

It's hard and runs counter-intuitive to everything you've probably ever heard, but it's the most effective way for kids to learn how to self-regulate.

to really see the impact, you have to give it time. like months, or even a year.


My parents did this, and I actually did eventually self regulate. But only once I turned 18 and decided to take charge of my health/ weight. So it definitely wasn't months or a year.
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giselle




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 10:52 am
amother wrote:
I'll say something unpopular.

STOP talking about it. Stop watching what she's eating. Stop commenting. Stop talking about healthy eating and food altogether. Make it an entirely neutral topic. Do NOT call it cr@p or junk food or poison. Do not throw it all out or lock it up or keep it out of the house entirely. Serve a variety of foods and then don't comment on what anyone does or doesn't eat.

It's hard and runs counter-intuitive to everything you've probably ever heard, but it's the most effective way for kids to learn how to self-regulate.

to really see the impact, you have to give it time. like months, or even a year.


I know this is a big thing now, but I completely disagree with this extreme. My kids are pretty intuitive eaters, and I don’t make a huge deal about food, but there are still some guidelines that need to be set that are non negotiable. The trick is finding food they like that is healthy. You have to be creative, and it takes some work. For example, my kids really don’t eat vegetables, but I discovered if I bake them into muffins, they’ll eat them. If they like peanut butter sandwiches, there’s healthier peanut butter and jelly out there. Etc. My kids are picky eaters, but it works.
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 11:24 am
Just keep putting out food on the table. Serve family style in a large plate or platter with everyone filling up their own plates on their own. And let it go.
Eventually with time they see everybody eating it, nobody pressuring or saying just try it, and one day maybe a year later they will try it.
It's ok to send two snack bags to school that aren't both deep fried or full of MSG. That's normal for kids to eat and they also want to be like their friends. The kids who don't have it just keep schnorring from others anyway. No guilt. Feel good about sending your child with snacks for her day.
Always good to add something more nutritious too that the child likes and is easy for you to prepare. Could be cut colorful peppers. Grape tomatoes. Grapes. Clementine. Whole crunchy apple in a Ziploc that's been washed and wrapped in a paper towel for drips. Squeezie of applesauce. Box of raisins. Individual cup of cut fruit with a spoon. Sometimes it's more about variety, and always changing things up than finding something they like and always sending it until they can't look at it anymore.
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honeymoon




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 22 2019, 12:11 pm
amother wrote:
I'll say something unpopular.

STOP talking about it. Stop watching what she's eating. Stop commenting. Stop talking about healthy eating and food altogether. Make it an entirely neutral topic. Do NOT call it cr@p or junk food or poison. Do not throw it all out or lock it up or keep it out of the house entirely. Serve a variety of foods and then don't comment on what anyone does or doesn't eat.

It's hard and runs counter-intuitive to everything you've probably ever heard, but it's the most effective way for kids to learn how to self-regulate.

to really see the impact, you have to give it time. like months, or even a year.


I disagree. Her kid is eight, not eighteen. Kids don't exactly make the best choices when left to their own discretion. Kids live on instant gratification, they do not think of the long term effects all the junk food will have on their bodies.

Like somebody mentioned up-thread, even within the healthy food categories there are healthier and less healthy options. Peanut butter, for example, comes with sugar, corn syrup etc. or you can get the one that has only peanuts. I explained to my kids that its ok to eat junk once in a while if the body is nutritionally built up to counter the effects of the junk food. My kids know to ask if something has MSG, food coloring or high fructose corn syrup and they often choose not to eat it if it does. This can only work if you are really committed and take the time to talk about nutrition and model healthy eating. Wishing you good luck and great health!
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Mar 23 2019, 10:15 am
OP, you have got to stop bringing junk into the house. If it's not there, she won't have anything to beg for. Let her ransack the cupboards. She won't find anything, and she'll have to accept that as fact.

When you say " I feel guilty and unsure and frustrated. " I think this is your main problem. You are letting an 8 year old child control your emotions. You have to get a grip on yourself, for her own good. She needs you to be the adult here! Quit giving her permission to manipulate you. Set your rules, and be consistent. You'll both be happier in the long run.

As far as carbs go, server her in two courses. First course is protein and veggies. If she finishes all of her plate, she can have mashed potatoes, rice, or pasta. It's the only way you are going to retrain her to eat healthy foods. I don't care if it takes her 3 hours of whining to choke down a little bit of chicken and broccoli. If she wants pasta so badly, she'll figure it out.

We used to call DD "The Starch Beast", so I know exactly what you are going through.
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Sat, Mar 23 2019, 6:53 pm
thank you so much, imas, for all the replies. I appreciate the time you all took to respond. I guess I've been doing the right thing all along and I should just continue with more of the same. cut up fruits n veggies as snack after school, first protein and veggies for supper and only after the starch, only WW breads in the house.... I'm trying really hard it's just difficult to keep saying no candy now, no dessert when you ate pizza for dinner. no juice tonight, only water or milk.
I feel like I keep saying no, and only occasionally say yes and I feel like a bad mom. and I did explain to her why I say no so she knows it's for her good but she's a kid and wants her nosh and starches.
thanks again all for your advice. even if I feel bad I know I'm on doing good. hopefully, one day she'll see it too.
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Mar 23 2019, 6:57 pm
Give candy on shabbos. Only buy enough for 1 shabbos party.
It's ok to have dessert after pizza.
Why have juice in the house if you have to say no? Buy the 4 oz 100% juice box drinks and send that to school along with a water bottle. That gives them their juice for the day in a healthy increment.
Don't put yourself in a situation where you have to say no regarding food.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Mar 23 2019, 7:52 pm
Saying "no" to unhealthy things IS being a good mom.

Kids want all kinds of things, and the list will only get longer as they grow older. Saying "no" is part of guiding them on the right path.

When DD whines, I tell her "I understand that you want that. I want lots of stuff too. I want a fur coat and a diamond bracelet, but that's not going to happen. I can whine all day long, but it's not going to make that stuff magically appear."

OP, where did you get the idea that giving into your children was good parenting, and that saying "no" to certain things was bad parenting? It sounds to me like you've gotten your priorities reversed.
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the world's best mom




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Mar 23 2019, 8:22 pm
I don't think you should stop buying nosh completely, because then she will feel deprived. However, some limits are necessary. In my house, candy is only for Shabbos, and the kids can take one unhealthy snack to school The other snack has to be healthy, which can include granola bars, fruit, vegetables, crackers, or cereal.

After school, my kids eat whatever snack I've taken out, which is sometimes cookies, but usually it's pretzels or rice cakes or crackers.

We have tradition soups for lunch on Fridays. I hate serving them, but some of the kids love them more than anything else, and this way they know it's available but limited to once a week.

Dessert is for Shabbos, and after supper, my kids can eat fruit is they are hungry.

I don't think you should limit her fruit intake. Fruit is healthy and good for her.
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