Invited 4 seder. What to bring

Ema of 5

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 9:24 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

I’ve read about people bringing their own matzah and wine on this site. Otherwise I have never heard of that.

I’ve see both sides- it’s a huge expense, so it’s nice to offer, but it’s pesach and people are super strict about what comes into their house, so they may not want other people bringing their own food.

amother

Lime

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 9:34 am

Ema of 4 wrote:

No one said it is expected. We have company every year for the Seder, and I would never expect them to bring their own. However, it is a nice gesture, to acknowledge the additional expense.
A good hostess will either tell the guest what to bring, or say don’t bring anything. I tell my guests not to bring anything edible, all year round, because of kashrut concerns.

My point was I was not asked in advance (nor was there any kind of offer to bring anything else, in which case I would have said 'just bring yourself' as I always do) and therefore I was taken aback, being totally unfamiliar with this.
It's not a nice gesture if you don't ask you hosts in advance and can even be insulting.

amother

Sienna

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 9:48 am

I have never been asked or expected to bring our own matzo and wine, neither would I ever dream of having guests bring their own. Who/what communities are doing this? I find it is impolite to ask guests to bring their own and I would certainly find it very ill mannered to have me bring my own. If I invite, seder or otherwise, I am not expecting guests to part fund the meal.

amother

Wine

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 9:54 am

amother wrote:

We bring it if we are going out of the country. This is a huge expense for our hosts and our pleasure to being. We bring several boxes of grape juice 4 to 6. One memorable Pesach, the grape juice was held up by customs. They couldn't imagine so much grape juice could be for personal consumption. It got delivered right before the seder after much panic.

amother

Pearl

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 9:59 am

Shmurah matzo cost more per pound than any other food that anyone in my house eats. You can buy inexpensive wine but cheap hand made shmura matzo does not exist. It is the one absolute item that family members brings to the host when we get together for sedarim.

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 10:34 am

OP, ask your host "what would you like us to bring?" If they say "oh, just yourselves" you could follow up with "how about if we bring some shmurah matzah and a bottle of wine?" Your offer will certainly be accepted. I am not familiar with the Imamother practice of bringing your own matzah and wine to a seder, but obviously it's a known custom in some communities and both are very normal housegifts for a seder, so you're covered either way.

Ema of 5

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 2:16 pm

amother wrote:

I meant ASKING in general, and specifically asking about wine and matza. I don’t think it’s insulting exactly, but I do have nderstand why you would be upset.
I once had someone show up unexpectedly on shabbos (we have an open house, so this happens very often) for a meal, and she brought a pie with her that she wanted to warm up in my oven. Generally I would have explained to her why I couldn’t, and why I wouldn’t serve it, but she had grown up religious and knew darn well that I wouldn’t serve it, let alone warm it in my oven!! She did it purposely to pick a fight. (She later became one of the famous “I grew up chassidish, not I’m not religious” people.....)

thunderstorm

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 3:08 pm

Our neighbors had my mother and my siblings and I for at least one Seder , sometimes both. They were a large family themselves. Since my mother wasn't preparing for the Seder she spent a few hours erev Yom Tov making and frying Potatoe chremslach for the neighbors entire family so that they didn't have to bother feeding their family on erev Pesach or dealing with an extra mess.
She also always gifted our neighbors a few boxes worth of clear disposable tablecloths (around a $50 value) (they had three tables at the Seder and went through boxes of disposable tablecloths throughout Yom Tov)

After she remarried she had the sedarim at her husband's kids home. Since they were also a very large crowd my mother took upon herself to purchase , wash, dry and thoroughly check all the romaine lettuce needed for the Sedarim. This was hours of work and it was one less thing the host had to be bothered with.
When I go to my inlaws, even though they are hosting us we bring matzah and when they come to us they also bring matzah.

cbg

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 4:37 pm

amother wrote:

We're lubavitch and our Pesach chumras are really intense Smile

. We don't put anything on the table that we can't insure is chometz free so flowers would fall under that category.

You can’t put them somewhere else
Entrance way table, coffee table, mantel.

amother

Aquamarine

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 4:44 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

I’ve read about people bringing their own matzah and wine on this site. Otherwise I have never heard of that.

I hadn't heard of it either, until, one year, we invited two families to seder. They both brought their own matzo and wine. I'm fine with people bringing matzo and wine. But - they only ate their matzo, had their own matzo cover, and proceeded to essentially do their own seder at our table - going ahead, or lagging behind. They kept their wine for themselves and did not offer to share. Typically, when people bring wine, it essentially goes into the collective supply of wine, which people share.

I was deeply offended and have never invited those two families to my home again.

It's not like they were concerned about our kashrut - obviously they ate all of the food I prepared. I felt like they were using me as a hotel where you can come do your family seder and then are served all the food. We have hosted both sedarim for about 20 years, and have never had guests do this - DH, my kids and I were SO confused. It was our worst seder ever. (In fact, it was our only seder that I didn't enjoy a lot - the sedarim are my favorite event of the year.)

So, it's one thing if you want to bring wine and matzo. It's fine if you only want to eat your super-special matzo. But, for goodness sake, please bring enough to share and don't insult your hosts by essentially ignoring them, doing your own thing, and just taking the food that they went to great trouble and expense to prepare.

OK, vent over.

amother

Papaya

Sun, Mar 24 2019, 4:58 pm

Thanks for all the good ideas.
Will ask the host if she would let me bring something. I can't imagine she will so ill get them somethibg.
Tbh I would like to offer to check the lettuce when it comes nearer to the time but as a single mum doing most jobs myself I'm not guaranteeing I will manage any extra jobs unfortunately