Toxic Friend Warning Signs?

amother

Brown

Sun, Mar 31 2019, 3:12 pm

amother wrote:

I was badly burned by a toxic friend. She pretended to be really sweet and interested in my welfare when I moved into the building. Slowly she started asking for more and more favors. When I tried to put my foot down, she had her dh ask mine because my dh would never say no. Also she was calling me three times a day to yell at me for no reason and I ended up blocking her number. What red flags should I be aware of?

Love bombing, Push pull, Critical for nonsensical nitpicky reasons, etc.
Look up covert narcissistic abuse. Covert narcs are "soooo concerned" about you but their actions never match their words (like Jekyll and Hyde but its hard to recognize unless you are aware of whats happening). Its scary what these people can do to you without you even realizing it since they are love bombing you at the same time they are abusing you. Ruined my life and am still having flashbacks and screaming rages several years later but can't get rid of it. I hope it won't ruin your life as well.

amother

Denim

Sun, Mar 31 2019, 3:44 pm

amother wrote:

Ruined my life and am still having flashbacks and screaming rages several years later but can't get rid of it. I hope it won't ruin your life as well.

She totally ruined my life also. First of all this woman completely sabotaged my other friendships which is why I totally lost my cool at a kosher grocery store one day and yelled at a boy who was jumping in a shopping cart. My exact words were, "If you break it you're going to pay for it." I did not use foul language nor I did not touch this boy and police were never called. This happened years ago and to this day parents ( frum(???) fathers and mothers) grab their kids and run the other way when they see me. The grocery store was practically empty and all these bad people weren't in the area at the time. It's obvious that another narcissistic person took my facebook pic and posted it to watsapp groups all over with a twisted version of events. I have spoken to rabbonim and it's obvious that all these people are in violation of loshon hora. There are also one or two isolated individuals whose names I don't know but they go out of their way to say good shabbos to me as though I'm some kind of freak. It's just as hurtful but I am not angry at them. Still, it's painful and I finally stopped davening for Hashem to punish all these evil people just 4 months ago.

My life will never be the same. I used to daven for Hashem to watch over the entire Klall Yisroel every single day. I can't bring myself to daven for them anymore. It's too painful for me to say the tefilla by Shma forgiving everyone who hurt me. It hasn't stopped in all this time and no one has ever asked for forgiveness so I just daven for a few individuals who I know are the real deal.

amother

Brown

Sun, Mar 31 2019, 4:05 pm

amother wrote:

She totally ruined my life also. First of all this woman completely sabotaged my other friendships which is why I totally lost my cool at a kosher grocery store one day and yelled at a boy who was jumping in a shopping cart. My exact words were, "If you break it you're going to pay for it." I did not use foul language nor I did not touch this boy and police were never called. This happened years ago and to this day parents (frum(?) fathers and mothers) grab their kids and run the other way when they see me. The grocery store was practically empty and all these bad people weren't in the area at the time. It's obvious that another narcissistic person took my facebook pic and posted it to watsapp groups all over with a twisted version of events. I have spoken to Rabbonim and it's obvious that all these people are in violation of loshon hora. There are also one or two isolated individuals whose names I don't know but they go out of their way to say good shabbos to me as though I'm some kind of freak. It's just as hurtful but I am not angry at them. Still, it's painful and I finally stopped davening for Hashem to punish all these evil people just 4 months ago.

My life will never be the same. I used to daven for Hashem to watch over the entire Klall Yisroel every single day. I can't bring myself to daven for them anymore. It's too painful for me to say the tefilla by Shma forgiving everyone who hurt me. It hasn't stopped in all this time and no one has ever asked for forgiveness so I have no reason to.

Yup. It sucks. You experienced the smear campaign which isolates you from people who can support you because you reacted to the abuse (called reactive abuse) and the flying monkeys will support the abuser who looks and acts like the victim. Its extremely difficult to get out of this dysfunction that the abuser has created all the while you thought she was your friend (although it could happen in any relationship, mine was an authority figure who I didnt know well at all).

As for forgiving them, they didn't ask you for forgiveness because they don't believe they did anything wrong. Remember they are projecting their bad behavior onto you so in their eyes you did something wrong, not them so they will not ask for forgiveness. So why forgive them if they don't believe they hurt you?

I don't know if there is a cure for that (for me I developed ptsd with flashbacks, avoidance etc which I don't think there is a cure for) or if karma will ever get these people back (also remember that they have no feelings but are only imitating what they have learned so they dont really feel the consequences of their actions even though they act like the victim) I would suggest al-anon, emdr, somatic experience, and educating yourself about covert narcissistic abuse/covert abuse so that you recognize the red flags and stay away from people like that. Also, volunteering is extremely helpful and important as it will help you stop ruminating about what happened and give you a sense of accomplishment (and get you out of your head for at least a little bit and make you feel better about yourself).

amother

Denim

Sun, Mar 31 2019, 4:31 pm

I do volunteer with a developmentally delayed girl and I do crafts with her. She is entitled to services but she needs more stimulation. And my rav told me that these people are giving me all of their mitzvos each time they cause me pain. It's sad because they are going to daven to Hashem and wonder why Hashem doesn't answer their tefillos and it's because they gave me all their merits. Shabbos is very hurtful when I pass by a (frum?!?) father and son walking to shul and the (frum?!?) father will pull his son out of my path. I know that Hashem will punish the (frum?!?) father and I feel sorry for the son. I mean my outburst was years ago and this happened twice this Shabbos. Let the men daven for parnosso and give it all to me.

amother

Brown

Sun, Mar 31 2019, 4:42 pm

amother wrote:

So that is something that may have been appropriate for the father to do and may have had nothing to do with you. Why would you want to bump into a boy?
I highly suggest you see a therapist who is familiar with covert narcissistic abuse/covert narcs so that you can learn the difference between healthy and unhealthy behavior.

amother

Denim

Sun, Mar 31 2019, 4:54 pm

I would never walk directly into a child. You don't see the (frum?!?) father pulling the son away from other people, just me. Often I see the (frum?!?) father grab the son's hand when I pass by and then let go of the child's hand after I pass, but not when others pass by. It's mean and vicious and I see this week after week for the last few years. You wouldn't believe how much evil can be generated from a few twisted comments on whatsapp. And all these evil people are guilty of perpetrating the abuse.

Thanks for explaining to me what covert abuse is. I will google it thoroughly and train myself not to let it happen again. All these people would deny that I do crafts with a three year old girl every single week.

amother

Ecru

Tue, Apr 02 2019, 8:20 pm

Hugs. I just want to let you know that I understand you. It's so super painful.

I've been terribly besmirched with lies, by severely abusive, xh. Now nearly all my friends, some of my siblings and the whole community including rabbis, and even my children's school staff. When they see me, they act angry towards me. If I make a new friend, xh manages to get that person also angry at me and suddenly I see there is no friendship. Only 2 of my friends remained hidden friends with me, because if he finds out, they will suffer. The loneliness, that feeling of being hated by all. It excruciating. The only thing that comforts me is the fact that Hashem knows the truth and only that matters. I keep saying this to myself over and over again. I smile to everyone, even if they look angry. But inside I'm crying bitterly.

If only people followed halacha and didn't believe loshan hora and motzei shem ra. The world would have been a much better place.

amother

Denim

Tue, Apr 02 2019, 9:08 pm

amother wrote:

If only people followed halacha and didn't believe loshan hora and motzei shem ra. The world would have been a much better place.

I am so sorry for what you are going through but you brought me comfort knowing that I'm not the only one. There are days when I just stare at the steak knives and want to rip apart my veins. I try so hard to distract myself from the bad people by focusing on keeping busy and spending time with my true friends who are the real deal. I was able to make new friends once I severely limited my time to ten minutes a week with the toxic friend and I don't tell her anything personal. (It's a long story but I can't cut her off completely.)

You said it so well. Hundreds of people (this is not an exaggeration) just believe everything that other people tell them even if they never met me or spoke to me in their entire lives. But they can't expect Hashem to reward them for doing bad things even if they are just victims of the Narcissists. It has nothing to do with me. Hashem does not reward bad behavior. Ever.