Do u let your teen buy what they want even if it’s a mistake

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 5:15 pm

I live in South Africa and a speech that always sticks with me was someone who grew up as a maids son. Super poor and managed to pull himself out of poverty, go to university and is super successful today.
And he told a story about how he lost his school uniform sweater once and his mother’s employer wanted to replace it because she felt bad. And his mother said no. How will he learn to take care of his stuff if every time he isn’t responsible someone else fixes it. (You can only wear the school sweater to school so it’s not like he could have worn something else.)

He tells this story with pride as one of the ways his mother empowered him to be a success in the face of extreme challenges.

We need to let our children make small bad decisions and learn from them. Because that’s how they learn to make good choices. (There’s a lot of data to back this theory up. )
So I think we can allow our teenagers to make poor choices and learn from them. They don’t need us to swoop in and fix them. Obviously, we need to look at what’s the worst case scenario and see if it’s something we can live with. Worst case scenario- no proper winter coat- bulk up with sweater. Impractical shoes- she will either have to babysit to pay for new shoes or wear slightly scuffed shoes, or be super stressed every time she wears them.- to me these are all consequences that are fine.

Obviously, if you have a bad relationship with your kids, every interaction is going to reflect badly. Cuz it feels like it’s being done with spite instead of with love.

Oh and by the way- you can be entitled in one situation and still not be an overall entitled person.

amother

Black

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 6:38 pm

amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:

The funny thing is I think I may have paid. I had just a bit of money from birthdays etc. Def not enough for a second coat.

Anyway, obviously there was a lot more to my relationship with my parents that this backfired. When all you do is withdraw from the emotional bank account and never make any loving gestures, these “lessons” don’t work. But everyone on imamother loves jumping on people that they’re entitled. But to those of you who think that, you know nothing about me.

I can totally relate to that. My mother is also only busy teaching and showing her kids who's boss. She forgot all about the gaining her kids' trust, and making sure that they know that she loves them, and building up their confidence .

Op, I have the same issue with my preteen. I used to get very stressed out when shopping with her, as I was constantly busy convincing her to get what I liked, and what I felt was most practical. Now, I know that she feels so good when I tell her to get what she likes and I like teaching my kids to trust their intuition, and develop their personal taste, regardless of what ''everyone ''has. If they sometimes get things that are ugly in my opinion, or less practical stuff, I consider it ''chinuch '' expenses . They will hopefully gain important life experience, in a not too damaging way. I was a grown adult with no idea what I like, what is considered practical, and I had to learn the basics much later on.

amother

Bronze

Wed, Apr 10 2019, 7:44 pm

amother [ Taupe ] wrote:

I don't think being taken care of and being entitled to two coats, one on a whim and one functional, are the same thing.

I say this as a mother of teens who sometimes will buy her daughters something they like "just because" and sometimes, when things are tight, they use their own money to buy those extras.

But in either case, I don't think my not getting them that extra means I'm not taking care of them.

It's a mothers responsibility to make sure the child has a warm coat to wear. That's why I think the one coat a winter is a stupid policy. Don't allow your teanager to buy a coat that's not warm and teach her a lesson. I would rather not let my child buy it in the first place. My kids can have the same coat for 2 or 3 winter's if it fits and is in good condition. They get what they need. And if they need 2 coats a winter they will get 2 coats.

urban gypsy

Thu, Apr 11 2019, 9:21 am

amother [ Bronze ] wrote:

Don't allow your teanager to buy a coat that's not warm and teach her a lesson. I would rather not let my child buy it in the first place.

I agree but in that case vermillion would be angry and resentful till this day that she didn't get the pretty jacket. With kids, sometimes you just can't win.

amother

Taupe

Thu, Apr 11 2019, 9:39 am

amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:

No, it was not obvious from your posts that your relationship with your parents was complicated. You didn't say anything about that - you only said that they didn't get you a second coat when you wanted the pretty jacket.

I'm sorry that you did not have an emotionally healthy and fulfilling relationship with your parents. That is probably behind alot of the resentment you feel.

Hug