How did your explosive child turn out?

amother

Emerald

Tue, Jun 27 2017, 1:51 pm

Emerald here, answering questions--

DIR is also known as floortime. It is a method of play therapy that give a lot of control to the child and helps them be empathetic, self aware, and build attachment. There is a lot of focus on eye contact, feeling awareness, enviromental awareness. It is usually done with a parent in the room to increase trust with the parent. DIR is often used for autistic kids. While explosive kids are not autistic in the least, they do tend to be out of touch with their feelings/regulation and unaware or not caring about other's feelings, similar to autistic kids. They also often have less than ideal relationships with their parents, do to constant misbehavior/punishments. DIR had the strongest impact on my son out of all the intervention we did.

Self regulation can be learned in many ways. With a little kid, here are some ideas:
- games that encourage purposely riling yourself up and then calming down (like pretending to be a raw noodle, up tall and straight, and then a cooked noodle, flopping to the floor). Freeze tag and musical chairs is a similar idea
- blowing bubbles, blowing a pom pom with a straw, blowing out candles (breathing)
-squishing silly puddy, playdough, kanetic sand
-doing something strong--pushing a couch across the room, or lifting a heavy box (I heard about one kid that had a lot of success going to the basement and banging on empty metal garbage cans)
-giving the kid a timer and telling them to choose how many minutes they will be angry for (this gives them the idea that they can control it, and maybe next time they will choose less time)
-using sensory objects like a weighted blanket or vest--this one had the strongest effect on my son, and he started going to it to calm down without my intervention.
-saying things to bring awareness "you are feeling so upset! your mouth is frowning and your arms are almost shaking! You must be very, very uncomfortable. I am a very reasonable person and I want to help you, what is upsetting you so much?"

Then there is the whole parsha of teaching flexibility. A lot of kids that are explosive also have OCD tendencies, even if they don't have the disorder, meaning they are very rigid and get upset when routine is broken or they can't predict what is going on. We made a pretend "rule machine" that we insert the rule the kid made up (ex: I don't sit on plastic chairs), and then better rules pop up that the kid can choose (I only sit on plastic chairs if there is nothing else available, or I only don't sit on plastic chairs if they are broken or dirty). This tool was incredible liberating for my son.

The foundation of any behavior change has to be the parent/child relationship. Thats why I'm so into DIR.

amother

Khaki

Tue, Jun 27 2017, 4:25 pm

amother wrote:

I have a 15 yr old daughter that is very explosive any ideas?

amother

Emerald

Tue, Jun 27 2017, 7:35 pm

Re DIR-- you can research DIR therapists in your area. Many times people are trained in DIR in addition to another thing, like DIR based OT/PT/ST or DIR based psychology. If your insurance covers any other service that she would benefit from--OT for self regulation is good--then look for one who is also trained in DIR. In addition to this, you should read up on it online/in books (sorry I don't have any specific ones to tell you about), because DIR can become a whole way of parenting. I currently have another one of my children who is very easy going in DIR based OT for sensory issues. I just feel that it is beneficial for every kid--for their self esteem and emotional intelligence. But for the explosive child it is a miracle.

Re the person with a 15 year old--I don't have any kids that old. I did however, have a sister who was extreamly explosive and a mother who's nature is to be explosive but learned to channel her energy into projects and chessed as an adult. Honestly, what helped my sister the most was getting married. I think she needed a tremendous amount of love, someone to listen all the time and be patient and accepting to her. Her husband is also super chilled. She learned from him. My mother says something similar--that when she got married it really mellowed her out. Sometimes the over-emotional, hysterical people are insecure and not at peace with themselves. 15 is pretty old to start the DIR approach, at least directly with a therapist. You don't want to validate any insecurity she has by implying that she has deep issues and needs therapy. You want her to feel normal and wonderful and that her extra energy is going to help her do things the average person can't. I'd say to encourage her to get involved in plays/camps/projects/chessed, work on showing her unconditional love and how you forgive yourself for being imperfect, and model self regulation (out loud, not just being calm. You can say, "shoot! I forgot the bread...gosh. This is really upsetting. OK, I am going to drink a tea and then figure out what to do." Also, nurture your relationship with her. Treat her with respect and love and forgiveness. Spend quality time--whatever it is that she likes. Make her feel like she gets all the attention she needs, and then some.

amother

Khaki

Tue, Jun 27 2017, 8:33 pm

amother wrote:

Any pointers how to nurture our relationship, she's very angry, explosive, rigid and I feel lost when she acts like a monster(literally).
I'm soft spoken and don't like arguments, I really try not to take the ugly things she says personally. Crying

I feel encouraged that you say marriage helped your sister but really want to help her now.
She would never want to go to a therapist for help.
Do you know how I can help her with ideas how to self regulate?
Thanks so much, I was crying when reading your response, I feel a little hopeful.

amother

Emerald

Tue, Jun 27 2017, 8:59 pm

amother wrote:

I feel sort of bad hijacking this thread..OP-- do you mind?

khaki--Does your husband have a more similar nature to your daughter? Sometimes people with that same "fire" can empathize better than someone out of it that feels like, "what the heck is wrong with you." It is truly a gift to have that fire, but before it is channeled it comes out as rigidity, rebelliousness, and anger. It's important to lead her to discover that in herself. Until she can see her innate nature as something good, that she wants to develop and channel, she won't love herself, so you'll both feel stuck.
About self regulation--
1. a lot of tools that can be helpful might be rejected if they are coming from her mother. Sorry, but that's how most teens are. And you shouldn't feel bad about that. Does she have a teacher that she connects with, or an older sibling or relative?
2. it is important to find out more information about the anger/explosiveness. If there are any underlying issues like abuse, bullying, social problem, learning problems--even if any of these things were a problem ten years ago and aren't currently, it is important to explore that. Did her behavior start at birth or did it gradually evolve as she got older? This is tricky, because if she is 15 and exploding at you, she isn't exactly poised to open up and spill her guts. That's why step one is nurturing the relationship as much as you can, and keep this in the back of your mind and keep your eyes open.
3. Tools that work with teens for self regulation are tools that work on adults. In the moment of panic you can ground yourself, saying or thinking in your head, "I am angry, I feel my heart pounding. I feel like smacking her. I need to close my eyes. I feel the floor. I have so much tension inside of me. I need to breathe. ok...."
4. Listening to music and having positive sensory experiences throughout the day also seems to help high strung people. Going to the gym is good, but doing something creative, like dance, is better because it brings a higher level of confidence. Drinking a cold smoothie picks people up, a warm drink calms people down. Sucking through a straw and chewing up can calm some people. Playing with a fidget spinner or silly putty might not be typical at her age, but if she goes for something like that, don't stop her!
5. I can't stress this one enough--the explosive child is a Strong, Smart, Capable, Leader who does not know how to translate the energy inside of her. If you treat her like a strong, smart, capable leader and trust her and give her responsibilities and listen to her opinion, you give her the ability to grow into that role. If you punish her and berate her and want her to shut up, you increase her ambivalence about her innate nature, which is crushing for her self esteem and ruining the trust in her relationship with you. Start to treat her like an adult, even though she is acting like a 5 year old, and she will learn to speak like an adult.

I am telling, you, my six year old son says things like, "I know you want me to put on my pajamas, but I am concerned about not looking Shabbosdik at the shabbos seuda, and that is very important to me. To make us both happy, can I promise to put on my pajamas right the second after I bench, as fast as I can?" He only got there because I taught him the dialog that is appropriate when you feel something strongly and you aren't allowed to do it. He trusts that I am a reasonable person and don't make up rules for no reason, and there are usually compromises that can take care of both people's concerns. He has been in very intensive therapy for the past three years, granted, but it is the same concept with an older kid.

(btw, my passion for DIR is so strong that I dream of making a center to train parents in DIR to use with their children. It is such a pity that only the kids with extreme behavior or abuse get to learn these skills. How about everyone else? Doesn't every kid deserve to be treated with respect, have strong self confidence, and learn to be resilient??)

This is just the tip of the iceberg, I'd say to google DIR and self regulation with teens, and how to nurture your relationship with your teen online, and see what else you come up with. You might be able to find a therapist who will meet with YOU to teach you how to deal with her, if you don't want her to be in therapy.

One more line my high strung mother used to tell my explosive sister: it's true that we feel sad deeper and more intensely than other people. But we also feel motivated and excited and joyful deeper and more intensely than other people. Highly emotional people live life in HD.

Sorry OP for hijacking this thread...you can tell me to shut up if you want Smile

amother

Olive

Tue, Apr 23 2019, 3:29 am

amother [ Emerald ] wrote:

my son was insanely explosive from birth until age 6. we took him to a child psychologist from age 3-6, did OT (regulation, body awareness, sensory issues), DIR (for attachment and self-regulation), and also implemented the explosive child method. In short, we put our kishkas into this kid. At age 6 he is literally the sweetest kid. He has so many tools under his belt, has amazing self-regulation and conflict resolution. At this point, he is actually my easiest kid and that is something I wouldn't have dreamed of ever saying even a year ago. He is still strong minded, very smart, and very opinionated, but he has learned to explain himself calmly and compromise or give in. When he feels he is getting would up, he often will start his self regulation tools on his own. Most importantly, he feels very attached to his parents and really believes we love him no matter what and are on his side. We treat him with a lot of respect, almost like I would treat a teenager. Explosive children are really super-capable leaders that haven't yet learned how to channel their kochos.

Been going to therapy too with my 4 year old for a year now. OT and play therapy. I see a big difference bh.

PurpleandGold

Tue, Apr 23 2019, 8:14 am

amother [ Denim ] wrote:

My 16 year old is also explosive and very dificult. Very hard clothing shopper.Has only one close friend and some 4 very superficial friendships like for small favors or miniature plans. Shabbes afternoon is only with that one best friend. She sometimes speaks not nice to girls.She is very nasty to me. I fear some very scary untreated diagnosis all the time. DH does not agree to send for therapy but I see this is important so we will need to go to learn how to get the best out of her. We went a littlefor therapy together to an old outdated frum therapist but we did not apply most of the little that was adviced like to get her a tutor for at least one weak subject....She matured a little bit this past year BH but not enough. Did we miss the boat?

There's always hope, as long as she is still living in your home, you can have an influence on her. But if she is already sixteen, time is of the essence.

If it was recommended that you get her a tutor, what are you waiting for? A tutor can help in two ways: 1. If the tutor is a role model that she respects, she can ideally make a relationship with a good mentor (that is worth spending money on!) 2. If she starts to excell in a school subject because of the tutoring, her self esteem will rise and her behavior will definitely improve as a result. Success is the best motivator for more success!

You mentioned your daughter is mean to you and even to other girls. This is a sign of a girl who is hurting - "hurt people hurt others." Did you try "dating" her, taking her out for ice cream or whatever once a week, so you can have private time to talk? You can ask her simple questions about her class, siblings, friends, and teachers to get her to be open up about her feelings and her pain...

But GET STARTED! At sixteen you will blink and she will be out of your house, married and coping with her pain in stressful, adult situations.