Invites to Parents

amother

Wed, Apr 24 2019, 3:07 pm

We are at that stage in life where our parents are on the tip of being “old” but still have younger kids around. They don’t ever invite us for Yom Tov, and we don’t have enough room to host them and single siblings. Are we supposed to invite ourselves?! What is normal? I was always under the impression that it’s more appropriate to wait for an invitation, and I don’t want them to feel pressured to host if they’re not able, even though we are a pretty easy-going family and not a lot of work to host, relatively speaking. (*groan*)

amother

Saddlebrown

Wed, Apr 24 2019, 3:32 pm

Of course you don't invite yourselves, unless there's a legitimate need for you to be on the receiving end of help at some point. They obviously don't feel up to hosting for any number of reasons. It would certainly be nice if you feel up to hosting them eventually when you don't need to accommodate too many people.

asmileaday

Wed, Apr 24 2019, 3:36 pm

How's your communication with them in general?
I'd ask outright, do you want to have us over? We're totally fine if you can't but if it's not too hard it would be nice to come.
I've done that in the past with my parents. They were always honest with me.

MiracleMama

Wed, Apr 24 2019, 7:15 pm

You should not invite yourself but you can ask. "Mom, I don't want to impose if you're not up to it, but we would love to come stay with you for YT. Do you think that would be ok? Or is this not a good time?"

amother

Apricot

Thu, Apr 25 2019, 12:22 pm

What’s your family’s “shittah”? When our kids married, we told them that we don’t invite because we’re bound to invite them just when they’re otherwise committed. (BTDT too many times.) So they’re welcome to come any time, just let us know earlier in the week so we can prepare.

Well, some of our kids accept this and come for Shabbos reasonably often. The others either have no desire to spend any more time with us than they absolutely have to, or they didn’t get the memo, because they never ask to come and we do end up inviting them, usually when one of the invitation-not-required siblings is coming already.

Why not ask your parents directly which method they prefer? Could be it’s really too hard for them to have you for sleepovers and they’d prefer to see you Sunday afternoons. Could be they consider that their house is still your home and you don’t need an invitation to visit your own parents. There’s no absolute right or wrong here—each family does what works best for its members.