Rubs me wrong, but is it really?

amother

Wed, Apr 24 2019, 10:24 pm

My DD6 has a good friend who's at our house a lot. Friend feels very comfortable saying "I'm hungry, can I have something to eat?" Often she will ask for specific things, sometimes labor intensive like "can you cut me up a salad" or costly things that I was saving for a specific purpose. At first she would even go to the pantry/fridge and look for herself but I put a stop to that.

I was raised that as a guest, you NEVER ask, you only take what is offered. Recently we went out for a shabbos meal and my kids (mirroring this girl I believe, they've never done it before) said they were hungry while the hostess was preparing the food. She offered them some snacks but I was so embarrassed.

Would like to get some feedback, what is normal here?

crust

Wed, Apr 24 2019, 10:30 pm

You can tell your kids this behavior is not normal without mentioning this girl.

If they say but this girl does it you can say her mother probably didnt get to tell her yet.

You can tell this girl that you don't have time to cut up salad. You can give her a cookie or a chip or a cup of juice.

And please remember she's all of six years old. Not terrible behavior.

Rappel

Wed, Apr 24 2019, 10:33 pm

I think a child who knows to say, "I'm hungry, may I please have something to eat" is healthy, and a good communicator. If the kid specifies what he would like, it makes it that much easier to feed him.

You, as the adult, also have the right to determine whether to grant that specific request. For example: "I'm not making a salad right now, but I can cut you up some carrot and cucumber sticks" or "I'm saving the pecans for something special. Here, let me peel you an orange instead."

amother

Plum

Wed, Apr 24 2019, 10:43 pm

If it's a neighbor, just send her home when she asks for food. If it's not a neighbor, you can still set your own limits. She is still young and maybe doesn't know better yet. Just recently my neighbor mentioned that my 6yo asked for pizza, just as I was coming to pick him up. I was a little embarrassed and explained to him that if he is hungry, he needs to come home for food.

amother

Wed, Apr 24 2019, 11:37 pm

urban gypsy wrote:

OP I sympathize with you. My son’s “best” friend is quite demanding in the same way and it really annoys me. He talks to me like an adult and wants to know why he can’t have things or why I won’t buy him things or why we have plans and can’t have a play date and I find it extremely rude and very entitled.

Yes!! This is the way it seems to me. She will also ask "why" when she comes over to ask for a playdate and I say no.
So, would you guys say a good geder is "you can nicely ask for something to eat but I'll tell you what's available"?

urban gypsy

Wed, Apr 24 2019, 11:40 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes!! This is the way it seems to me. She will also ask "why" when she comes over to ask for a playdate and I say no

Argh exactly!!! And I try to be polite and make up some excuse and he will aggressively talk me out of why it’s not a good reason or otherwise meddle into the plans of a grown up. This is a 7 year old boy he drives me bananas At wits end

FranticFrummie

Thu, Apr 25 2019, 12:09 am

Asking politely for a snack is not bad behavior.

Asking for a fancy meal is bad.

Arguing back is extremely bad!

OP, just say "no", and "you can go home and ask your mom for that." You are not responsible for anything more labor intensive than an apple or a cookie that you already have on hand. I never gave soda or nosh, either. I didn't want to set up a dynamic where I was the house where everyone came because "I had the good snacks".

Kids need boundaries. They may complain, but they secretly thrive on them. They aren't even aware of it, but it makes them feel more secure. Too much freedom is scary, and they will push and push until you finally give them a boundary. Better to do it early, and stay consistent.

I get the sense that you may be a bit of a people pleaser, and you want to be a good hostess. If the guest child in question is throwing a fit and won't listen, this is probably not the influence you want around your child, anyway.

amother

Amber

Thu, Apr 25 2019, 5:15 am

My kids seven and under have friends who announce that they're hungry when they come over sometimes. Unless it's mealtime, I don't generally offer choices. I'll just say ok, I'll prepare a snack. And cut up a fruit or vegetables, which is what my kids get between meals. During mealtime I do give choices, within reason. If I made pasta for lunch, each child can choose how she wants to eat it (plain, with cheese, sauce etc); if I'm serving bagels they can decide what they want inside.

As far as my own kids, I have been teaching them that if we go over to someone for a meal, the polite thing is to wait for the meal to be served. It's ok to be hungry for a few minutes if you know that they're serving a meal soon.

amother

Chartreuse

Thu, Apr 25 2019, 5:25 am

I hate the "guests should only eat and drink when offered"... I can't read my guests minds... I don't want them to suffer because I didn't know they need a drink.

So I think it's perfectly fine for her to ask... But it's also perfectly fine for you to say no. Do you always do what your kids ask you to do? I don't.
So if someone asks me to make a salad and I don't want to I say no, you can have xyz instead.
Also do you know her family? What's going on there? Does she get enough food?

My mom is psychologically ill.. She didn't really give us food when we were young. Whenever I was at friends houses I ate tons. Noone ever ask why. Maybe they thought I'm not polite meanwhile I was hungry.

amother

Chartreuse

Thu, Apr 25 2019, 5:31 am

urban gypsy wrote:

Why don't you talk to his mom? Or him?
One of our neighbours has a foster kid. Very sweet girl but she doesn't have boundaries. She met so many people throughout her 7 years of being in this world so it's understandable. She often asks why we don't buy her things or if she can have this or that. I talk to her about it. I understand that for her it's confusing. It's a different story to your sons friend but maybe he will understand if you tell him that's you're the adult( and not his parent) and he's the kid and that's just how it works.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Apr 25 2019, 6:27 am

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

That is so heartbreaking. Crying

I spent ages 16 to 18 in a foster home, and I saw many cases of what I now know is Reactive Attachment Disorder, as well as insecurity hoarding. These patterns form in the first year or two of life, and are extremely difficult to manage.

I definitely agree with knowing the home situation of DC's friends, and judging from there.

amother

Gold

Thu, Apr 25 2019, 8:00 am

Rappel wrote:

I agree. I think it preferable than a child being hungry but not voicing it then going home hungry and cranky with their parents thinking you starved their kid!

urban gypsy

Thu, Apr 25 2019, 9:13 am

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

Why don't you talk to his mom? Or him?.

What would that accomplish? It's not my place to impose my chinuch on someone else's child. I think he is just the youngest child of a wealthy family and very spoiled. When he asks for things repeatedly I calmly and blankly state my boundaries repeatedly. We just stare at each other annoyed, in a deadlock LOL

heidi

Thu, Apr 25 2019, 9:24 am

My old neighbor was anorectic and very open about giving her kids just enough food to survive.
Whenever those kids came over I gave them whatever they asked for without question.
The kids friends, most of whose parents I know are quite normal, I offer water and cut up fruit or veggies.
If a kid says he's starving at mealtime I check with parents if I have extra noodles. If I have an exact amount of chicken or whatever I send them home to get supper.

amother

cornflower

Thu, Apr 25 2019, 10:05 am

I think OP is over thinking this in terms of a six year old child.

It is totally normal for a six year old child to announce he/she is hungry and ask for something to eat. A six year old doesn't have the emotional (and probably physical) ability to deal with long term thoughts of - oh I am feeling hungry but I will be going home in 45 minutes and I can wait until then. Nor do they probably have the emotional maturity to realize that some foods are expensive or hard to prepare.

Just as one might for one's OWN children, just because a child is hungry doesn't mean you drop everything to prepare a difficult snack. At least in my house - and in those of my children's friends, it would be normal to have stuff like baby carrots; fruit; raisins; crackers; cheese sticks; ices; yogurt that I would feed my children and their visiting friends if they were hungry without giving it a second thought. Don't people with children always have kid friend snacks available anyway.

If a child is asking for a cut up salad or food that you wouldn't feed to your own child as a snack, I think it's perfectly fine to say I am sorry but that's not available would you like - fill in a substitute or few substitutes.

I don't think it's the norm for adults to announce they are hungry unless there are extenuating circumstances but I also generally offer something to drink and a nosh when my friends are visiting and unless I am popping in for a quick unannounced visit, almost the first thing people ask is whether they can get me something to drink.

In general older kids are visiting their friends (your children) who are older and so their friends (your children) would determine whether and what got eaten and the parent isn't generally actively involved. Tweens and teenagers seem to disappear into their bedrooms or the playroom with vast quantities of snacks which go into their perpetually empty stomachs. Very Happy

amother

Orange

Thu, Apr 25 2019, 12:05 pm

Agree with many posters response that this is typical of a child this age.

What I would do though, is make a “snack time” during play dates and the snack that’s offered is what’s available- a carb, drink, fruit or veggie- snack cupboards/ closets get locked (literally), and that’s it for my child and his/her friend.

Re learned behavior- I’d be far more bothered by this.
I have seen in an 8 year old this behavior where they argued with me, opened my freezer, announced by food was “ew” and wanted candies or an ice pop - told me how to prepare my food for “next time” to her personal preference lol. I was taken back. But she’s 8... and clearly isn’t being told it’s not ok. That’s her mother’s / fathers responsibility.
Not sure if the mom was aware but I would NEVER want my child to talk like that ever.

Your child needs a discussion how that behavior is not okay, they say thank you when at a guests house and when they leave they can privately tell you their critics / what they would like to eat at home if they weren’t satisfied.

Last edited by amother on Thu, Jun 04 2020, 8:43 am; edited 1 time in total