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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Pesach
Vegans invited themselves for Pesach... and we're chabad
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Thu, Apr 18 2019, 11:35 am
notshanarishona wrote:
There is nothing wonderful about a man who needs to be told again and again that his wife is not superwoman and chessed begins at home.


By her own descriptions of herself, it sounds like OP is very driven, and very accomplished. When all she says is "go," how is he supposed to know that not all is right with the world?

She probably only complains to us, in private.
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amother
Orange


 

Post Thu, Apr 18 2019, 11:46 am
notshanarishona wrote:
When someone is in denial that is what they need to hear. If after 75 people saying it nicely the message is not getting across then you need to be straight and cut out the sugar coating.
Op needs to realize for her own good and the sake of her kids that her and her husband need help.


There are many many many many many wonderful things about OP's husband, making him a wonderful person.

He does however need to be more attuned to things at home.

OP came here looking for some support in her conviction to say "no not this time" to these guests. She got it.
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trixx




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 18 2019, 11:57 am
Israeli_C wrote:
Just on a sidenote- DH is far from being a jerk. He's actually very intelligent, loyal and sincere. However he's also a people pleaser and it sometimes comes at a price. He has a number of 'friends' who take advantage of his good will and inability to say 'no', such as this request.

In the end, DH simply stopped mentioning the topic of hosting. I think that he also didn't really want to host them, but as usual felt badly for his friend (who, along with his wife, is a long time user and loser). B"H this time we could 'blame' our minhagim (the topic of non-vaccinating is too sensitive for them... I tried broaching the reason why, and his wife snapped at me and asked why she needed to bother vaccinating when everyone else already did it). Ugh.


No one thinks your husband is a bad man. He's not even a bad husband - that's on you. So he dropped the topic because he doesn't really like them? Not because his wife might be physically unable, emotionally overwhelmed, or maybe totally fine but he thinks she deserves to be pampered?

And you're lucky it turns out he doesn't like them, because you likely didn't mention any of the above, so if it was this guy was his total bestie your meal would still be on.

By the way why are you both even hosting this annoying and taker couple? Tell her the truth about your vax feelings, offend her once, and you'll be done. You don't seem to be good at standing up for yourself. Not in your marriage, friendships, and I hope your kids are in perfect babysitter/school situations too where they never need to be advocated for.
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Thu, Apr 18 2019, 12:18 pm
trixx wrote:
No one thinks your husband is a bad man. He's not even a bad husband - that's on you. So he dropped the topic because he doesn't really like them? Not because his wife might be physically unable, emotionally overwhelmed, or maybe totally fine but he thinks she deserves to be pampered?

And you're lucky it turns out he doesn't like them, because you likely didn't mention any of the above, so if it was this guy was his total bestie your meal would still be on.

By the way why are you both even hosting this annoying and taker couple? Tell her the truth about your vax feelings, offend her once, and you'll be done. You don't seem to be good at standing up for yourself. Not in your marriage, friendships, and I hope your kids are in perfect babysitter/school situations too where they never need to be advocated for.


This. I'm not sure why I keep coming back to read this ridiculous thread.

OP knows how crazy her situation is and doesnt do anything to fix it.

Its common sense that a woman with 4 babies under 3 with 4 month old twins needs help and shouldn't be doing anything besides caring for herself and children. Her husband needs to be going to work and helping her and nothing else. Maybe maybe going to minyan if she is managing at the time but even that is subject to change at a moment's notice.

What more is there to say?
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studying_torah




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 18 2019, 12:43 pm
Thank you cobalt & trixx. This and the other thread (about shabbos) were maddening to read.
I think serious counseling is in order after pessach. Someone needs to set the husband straight really fast.
And help OP stop being a martyr .
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 18 2019, 12:45 pm
Israeli_C wrote:

In the end, DH simply stopped mentioning the topic of hosting. I think that he also didn't really want to host them, but as usual felt badly for his friend (who, along with his wife, is a long time user and loser).


Good! You did it!

It doesn't matter if it wasn't graceful, or if he grumbled en route.

You stuck to it, and protected your children and yourself.

Keep it up!

Chag kasher v'sameach.
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roses




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 18 2019, 1:23 pm
OP, you said that your husband is a people pleaser, and that leads him to make the (poor) choices that he does.

I'm wondering if you recognize that same quality in yourself? I'm thinking that you are a people pleaser as well especially in regards to your husband and also these so called friends. The problem is, when both parts of the couple are people pleasers, and are making choices for selfish reasons- to look like good people, to avoid uncomfortable emotions and interactions, to make themselves feel good- the choices often hurt the family members they should be caring most about. In this case, your children are the ones getting hurt in the process, because of two parents who are people pleasing to the detriment of their well being.

I'm wondering if you can look at this dynamic and really SEE your role in it and how it plays out in your family. And ask yourself some hard questions about what led you to develop this personality quality, and what your internal fears are should you decide to change and make non- people pleasing choices

Ideally, this should be done with a therapist. The health of your family is really at stake here
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gamanit




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 18 2019, 1:51 pm
Israeli_C wrote:
I tried broaching the reason why, and his wife snapped at me and asked why she needed to bother vaccinating when everyone else already did it). Ugh.


Wait, what?? So she's outright telling you that she's relying on herd immunity and just taking advantage of everyone else. Being that she's mentioned this in the past maybe now that there's an outbreak she will immunize? Can you find out?
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Israeli_C




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 18 2019, 2:11 pm
gamanit wrote:
Wait, what?? So she's outright telling you that she's relying on herd immunity and just taking advantage of everyone else. Being that she's mentioned this in the past maybe now that there's an outbreak she will immunize? Can you find out?


She said this at the height of the outbreak. I think that she also finally realised that her 3 year old is autistic and she's blaming the immunisations, which is why her 1 year old hasn't even seen a doctor since she was born...
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 18 2019, 4:04 pm
Israeli_C wrote:
She said this at the height of the outbreak. I think that she also finally realised that her 3 year old is autistic and she's blaming the immunisations, which is why her 1 year old hasn't even seen a doctor since she was born...


Banging head Banging head Banging head

I wouldn't let them within 100 feet of my house.

Good for you for taking care of the situation. I do think you are somewhat a people pleaser too. This is a great step towards running a happy and healthy home. Please don't feel guilty for even one second.
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Miri7




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 19 2019, 12:02 am
Israeli_C wrote:
Just on a sidenote- DH is far from being a jerk. He's actually very intelligent, loyal and sincere. However he's also a people pleaser and it sometimes comes at a price. He has a number of 'friends' who take advantage of his good will and inability to say 'no', such as this request.

In the end, DH simply stopped mentioning the topic of hosting. I think that he also didn't really want to host them, but as usual felt badly for his friend (who, along with his wife, is a long time user and loser). B"H this time we could 'blame' our minhagim (the topic of non-vaccinating is too sensitive for them... I tried broaching the reason why, and his wife snapped at me and asked why she needed to bother vaccinating when everyone else already did it). Ugh.


I had babies when measles was around a few years ago, and I had non-vaxxers who said something similar to me. I just said something like "just as you chose not to vaccinate your kids, I choose not to invited unvaccinated people into my home."

Honestly, who needs such rude people? They're just taking advantage of you and DH - using you as a restaurant and a travel agent to find accommodation.
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frumarochel




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 29 2019, 3:15 pm
My MIL once wanted to visit on the trip home from her visit to China during the last days of Pesach. This meant traif and chometz. I politely told her we'd make it on some other time than Pesach. It did not make the in-law relationship any worse.

Remember people who suggest imposing upon you have no idea of the difficulties they will present or how much extra work is going to be required. They are usually innocent of wanting to cause trouble for you and are just thinking of how much fun it is to visit you! (The possible contagion of a communicable disease is an extra responsibility. You may have to schedule an outdoor cookout or picnic for their visit.)
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cbg




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 29 2019, 4:30 pm
I did not read past the first page.
But if this were me I would be honest with them about anti-vax.
I would tell them, sorry I can not host you until your children are vaccinated.
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